In a shocking development, it was revealed today that Presidential candidate Donald Trump had been genetically modified before birth – the first time a human had DNA from other organisms combined with his or her own. This fact was discovered after a reporter covering Trump sent a sample of Trump’s saliva – wiped from the reporter’s own face after a press conference – to a genetic tracing laboratory. The resulting DNA report detailed Trump’s Scottish and German heritage – but also the surprising fact that the billionaire shared DNA with a Japanese blowfish and a carrot. “There’s no telling how his DNA became so bizarre,” said the reporter. “Maybe Trump’s father Fred had it done in 1946 before Donald was born. It’s also possible that Trump’s mother had been abducted by aliens and her baby’s DNA modified for some reason. In either case, it’s the first case of human genetic engineering on record.” Trump’s blowfish and carrot relatives account for much of his behavior and appearance.
Hillary Clinton’s problems with her State Department emails stem from the simple fact that she’s always been uncomfortable with computers. She doesn’t know how they work, and is apparently unwilling to learn. That’s why she has stated that if she is elected President, neither she nor anyone else in her administration will use a computer. “There’s nothing wrong with a phone call or a letter,” she said. “You can keep track of things perfectly well without a computer. Franklin Roosevelt never had a computer, and yet look at all the good things he was able to accomplish.” The news of a Hillary computer ban came as a shock to Obama’s White House team, who are the most technologically literate people ever to work for a President. “I guess there’s a plus side,” said a White House aide. “The government would save money on electricity.”
You can identify a Trump building from miles away by its huge “Trump” sign. Now Donald Trump is planning to put a big one on the White House – when he’s the inhabitant. Trump is so confident he’ll be elected that he’s already placed an order for a 250-foot-long “Trump” sign to be installed on the White House roof. “Now, that’s chutzpah,” said one political analyst.
At long last, the American public will get to hear the singing voices of George Bush and Dick Cheney. The former President and Vice President are preparing to star in a new Broadway show called “Sorry ‘Bout That!” “Those two were just sitting around with nothing to do,” said Barbara Bush, the former First Lady. “So I got them to do this show. George has a beautiful singing voice, and I thought why not let everybody hear it? Dick took a little convincing, but he’s on board now.” The new show, with songs like “Who’d’a Thunk It?”, “Oopsy Daisy” and “Gettin’ In and Gettin’ Out” will feature Bush and Cheney singing and dancing through the story of their White House years. The rest of the cast includes James Woods as Saddam Hussein, Bryan Cranston as Alan Greenspan and Neil Patrick Harris as Turd Blossom.
World leaders like Vladimir Putin, Bashar Assad and Kim Jung Un as well as Congressional leaders like Mitch McConnell and John Boehner have been confronted by President Obama’s finger-wagging – and have ignored it. Frustrated by his ineffective approach, President Obama has finally decided to consult experts to improve his technique, according to the White House. Threat display experts from the military, business, and even wildlife were called in to give the President guidelines on how and when to wag his finger. “It’s more complicated than it seems,” said a White House spokesman. “It’s not just the finger, it’s the whole facial and body language thing. It’s the attitude, the posture. When finger-wagging is your only solution to serious problems around the world, it pays to be as effective as you can be.”
In a last-ditch effort to close down Iran’s nuclear program, the White House is employing its most dangerous weapon – the Internal Revenue Service. After a sophisticated computer worm called Stuxnet slowed but failed to stop Iran’s nuclear centrifuges, the IRS was called on to develop paperwork that will completely clog any nuclear program and drag it to a complete halt. The IRS’s top form-writers and rule-setters have worked with Israel’s Mossad to translate the resulting stack of lethal forms into Persian, and special IRS agents will travel to Iran to insert the paperwork into that country’s nuclear program. Figuring out the new rules and filling out the confusing forms will cause Iranian scientists to gum up their own nuclear program so badly that it will grind to a halt and could never be restarted.
Google’s impressive mapping technology is being called upon by the White House to help its new BRAIN Initiative that will improve scientists’ knowledge of the human brain and find sources of disease. Already, Google has miniaturized its array of mapping cameras and has sent them throughout a human brain, visiting every fold and out-of-the-way crevice, taking pictures in multiple directions and producing the first digitized 3D map of the brain. The Google Brain Map will enable scientists to move through the digitized brain in any direction, zooming or pulling back to reveal previously unknown structures and connections. Scientists and researchers are particularly excited about Google Street View feature that places them on the surface of the brain, letting them navigate the previously hidden nooks and crannies of the brain and see exactly what diseased areas look like as if they were standing on a street corner. Ultimately, scientists think the Google Brain Map could help find a way to treat or prevent brain disorders such as Alzheimer’s disease, epilepsy, Parkinson’s disease, autism and schizophrenia. Or at least find the shortest route from the right side to the left side of the brain.
Never one to do the expected, former President Bill Clinton is introducing a new men’s cologne he personally created. Called simply “Bill,” the new cologne reflects the former President’s personality with its mix of classic and funloving scents. “Bill” projects an aura of respectability and gravitas with its unique combination of earthy wood and leather tones with actual White House aromas and hints of money, but features unexpected but playful tones of fine whiskey, flowers, cheeseburgers, candy, private aircraft, European hotels, suntan lotion, and bed linen. “Bill” is one cologne that’s guaranteed to get attention – so when you wear it, be prepared to be in the spotlight.
“Bill” by Bill Clinton, 3.5-oz. cologne, $69.95
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