The question of whether Russian hackers interfered with the Presidential election has been answered, according to President-Elect Trump. “Vladimir called me and said they didn’t do it,” he announced to a small group of reporters. “That’s good enough for me, okay? I believe him. He’s a straight-shooter. He called me a genius and a statesman, and that proves he knows what’s what. He said his people don’t even know how to work computers. I hope this puts an end to all the guessing and investigating, and we can get on with making America great again. By the way, Vlad also said that thanks to cuts in Russian real estate taxes, my investment properties in St. Petersburg have gone through the roof.”
After discovering that building a “big, beautiful” 12-foot-high fence along America’s 1,900-mile border with Mexico would cost $100 billion, President-elect Trump has changed his mind. He still wants a fence, but instead of a physical one, he has decided to install the world’s longest Invisible Fence™, a simple wire buried in the ground along the border. This device will cause anyone wearing a special dog collar to receive a severe shock if they come up to the invisible fence — and Trump is requiring all Mexicans to wear the collars. “Every Mexican will have to wear a collar,” said a Trump spokesman. “And the Mexican government will pay for them. We have to stop these illegal immigrants from coming in to our country — and this is the best way to do it. It’s a win-win-win situation — we get to preserve the beauty of our border, the Mexicans get a stylish fashion accessory, and we stop the flood of immigrants.”
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