Former House Speaker Newt Gingrich says that in order to find out who in this country are Muslims, and liable to be terrorists, it’s not necessary to ask them if they believe in Islamic Shariah law. After all, that would be against the Constitution, and it would be too easy for a Muslim to say “No.” Instead, he proposes that we ask each person to draw their idea of what Mohammad looks like. “It’s a simple test,” says Gingrich. “Non-Muslims could draw their own image of Mohammad, even if it’s just a stick figure.But since it’s forbidden for Muslims to create any image of Mohammad, they would refuse. Presto – you’ve got a Muslim. Just trot him out to a bus and deport him on the spot. It’s a foolproof idea.”
In an proactive effort to stop worldwide terrorism, President Obama intends to speak to the terrorists directly. “The President will travel to Syria in two weeks to bring his Stop Terror Now presentation to the only people who can bring an end to the madness – the leaders of the biggest terror groups,” said a White House spokesman. “These leaders are being invited to an auditorium in Damascus to hear the President’s specially-prepared Powerpoint presentation detailing the benefits of stopping terrorism around the world. These are powerful talking points, and the President feels confident that once the terrorists see the truth, and see how they can’t possibly win, they will all agree to go back to living peaceful lives once again.” In an aside, the spokesman said, “Frankly, this is kind of a last ditch effort on the President’s part. If this lecture thing doesn’t work, he doesn’t know what else to do.”
The worldwide crackdown on the terrorist group ISIS just became more intensified. Joining the governments of France, the United States, Germany and Turkey, the Boy Scouts of America declared they too are actively stepping up their efforts to battle terrorism. “We’ve got a lot of great kids who want to use their Scouting skills to bring an end to the scourge of ISIS,” said a spokesman for the Boy Scouts. “They’re trained to use knives, bows and arrows, hatchets, and other weapons, plus they know how to use camouflage, track an enemy, survive in the woods, communicate in code, and bring down a computer network. Up to now, they’ve been content to collect merit badges, but now they want to use that knowledge help mankind. We’ll be sending Boy Scout troops from all over the country to the Mideast, where they’ll take ISIS by surprise and help free the world of ideological terrorism.”
Fed up with attacks on tourists in Tunisia and Libya, a busload of tourists traveling through Jordan took matters into their own hands and killed a group of ISIS terrorists yesterday. During their visit to ancient sites, the tour group, comprised of tourists from the U.S., Great Britain, Germany and Holland, came across evidence of ISIS terrorists in the area. “We were just so mad, we grabbed some weapons from a local police station,” said a woman from Cincinnati. “Then we got back on the bus, tracked down the terrorists, jumped out and just mowed them down.” Officials say the tour group killed 32 terrorists and gravely wounded 16.
Officials of the FBI announced that they had discovered – and foiled – an incredible terrorist plot to commandeer tractors on farms across the country and use them to spread poison on corn and other crops. “This rivals the 911 plan,” said an FBI spokesman. “Al Qaeda terrorists were trained in the use of modern tractors and were supplied with American farmers’ clothing. A huge cache of bib overalls, checked shirts and John Deere caps were found in several barns in various areas of the Midwest, in addition to detailed maps of many large farms. The terrorists were instructed in the use of biological poisons, and would have used the captured tractors to spread the poisons on our nation’s fields, disrupting our food supply. We have captured the fifteen terrorists involved. Americans can sleep soundly, knowing that their corn flakes are safe to eat.”
Frustrated with their inability to get huge amounts of ransom money for captured journalists, the terrorists of ISIS are trying a new tack. Instead of western reporters, the terrorists have captured a variety of ordinary people they’ve come across – a vegetable seller, a rug dealer, a librarian, a street sweeper, and two store clerks. “We are offering Western powers a deal,” said an ISIS spokesman. “We want twelve Chicago-style pizzas for the rug dealer, twenty-four buffalo wings for the librarian, and some Dim Sum for the store clerks. We’ll throw in the street sweeper for free. Your choice. You can even mix and match.” So far no response has been issued from the U.S. State Department or any other government entity.
Despite being threatened by terrorists, Pope Francis has decided to sell his own handgun to raise money for the poor. “His Holiness realized that the gold-and-jewel-encrusted Colt .45 he carries under his robe in public appearances is worth tens of thousands of dollars, and is offering it for sale so that he may further help the homeless and downtrodden,” said a Vatican spokesman. “He trusts God – and the Swiss Guards – to protect him if he is attacked.” The pistol comes with the Pope’s jeweled holster and Italian concealed weapon permit, making it one of the most valuable items ever put up for sale by a Pope.
Not content with capturing and operating three fighter jets in its battle to establish an Islamic state, terror group ISIS has now taken control of a local Iraqi airline, complete with five passenger airliners. ISIS has renamed the company ISIS Airlines, and is using the planes to ferry its soldiers back and forth across its territory. However, ordinary citizens can book flights on ISIS Airlines, too. The flights are a little irregular, but you can be sure no terrorists will try to bring down your plane. That’s because everyone on board, from the air crew to the stewards and the passengers, is an armed terrorist. If you are over six feet tall, you will be asked to sit in the rear of the plane so as not to obstruct the soldiers’ view of the jihadist video constantly being played on the overhead screens. If you refuse to move, your head will be taken off and placed in an overhead bin for the duration of the flight.
In the most outrageous misidentification ever recorded, the British rock band Procol Harum – famous for its 1967 song A Whiter Shade of Pale – was arrested by Nigerian police for kidnapping 200 schoolgirls in Nigeria. “We have arrested the outlaw group Boko Haram,” said a spokesman for the Nigerian police. “Now their reign of terror, mass murder and kidnapping will stop.” The members of Procol Harum, who were arrested after their concert in Leffrinckcouke, France, denied kidnapping or hurting anyone. “We’re all about peace and love,” said group member Gary Brooker.
It’s that time again! Spring is blossoming, the air is getting warmer, and the world is full of juicy targets. That’s why the al Qaeda folks are celebrating with a huge blowout and fun fest that’s perfect for the whole family. Everyone’s invited – but don’t tell anyone, because it’s a secret! There’ll be sack races, balloon tossing, weapons checks, pie-eating contests, target practice, frisbee games, home-made plastic explosives tips, clowns, and slogan chanting, with music provided by the Tally Band! Oh – and you’ll also find out about the latest plans for world disruption! It’ll be a whole week of fun and merriment, so gather the family and head over to the al Qaeda ranch down the road from Uncle Ibn’s place. And remember – mum’s the word!
If you’re a terrorist in Afghanistan, you’d better hope that the U.S. military doesn’t have your picture. That’s because the newest generation of autonomous drones is programmed to go after specific individuals. The new drones are equipped not only with ground-penetrating radar and night vision, but the latest facial recognition technology, enabling them to target individuals anywhere they might be hiding. “Sure, one at a time is an expensive way to get rid of your enemies, but if it works, we’ll keep doing it,” an unnamed spokesman for the Army said. As a result of the new drone attacks, Taliban and Al Qaida leaders are lining up for plastic surgery to alter their looks, and have stopped taking selfies.
One of the most unusual aspects of the war against terrorist leaders is the necessity to keep killing them over and over. This week, US and Pakistani officials announced that Taliban leader Hakimullah Mehsud was killed by a drone strike – again. Mehsud had been killed once before, in a strike in 2010, but returned to life, kept up his terror activities, and had to be killed again. “This is a disturbing pattern,” said a US Government source. “These zombies keep coming back, forcing us to expend more resources to keep them dead.” No one would say how many zombie Taliban leaders had returned from the dead, but the number is estimated to be in the dozens.
The Air Force isn’t the only service to employ drones. Now comes news that the Army will launch their own… but not the flying kind. The Army drones are based on robot vacuum cleaners that move autonomously around your house, cleaning up dust and dirt while you watch TV. The Army drones won’t be doing any cleaning, however. The Army version, called AD-1X, is specially modified to move silently among suspected terrorists’ hideouts, listening to conversations and broadcasting them back to headquarters. It’s not romote-controlled – the AD-1X is completely autonomous and moves on its own, deciding where to go, where to hide and what to record. If the AD-1X is discovered by a household pet, the robot will use a special spray to incapacitate the animal for half an hour. In case the AD-1X is spotted by humans, it’s programmed to destroy itself, leaving nothing but a pile of ashes.
The National Security Agency’s official website, nsa.gov, suffered a massive outage yesterday, and officials originally thought it was due to a cyberattack by hacks or terrorists. The NSA has come under criticism lately because of its electronic surveillance operations, and many experts thought the website had gone down in a sophisticated denial of service attack. After examination, however, technicians discovered that the site had been brought down because it had been spying on people applying for healthcare on another government site, healthcare.gov, and the two sites became hopelessly entangled and collapsed together in a mass of digital debris. “Our website will be up and running in no time,” said a spokesman for the NSA. “Just as soon as the healthcare situation has been straightened out.”
Investigators revealed that Navy SEALS – the elite assassination team fielded by the Navy – has dropped its time-consuming and difficult tactic of parachuting at night and hiding before shooting known terrorists abroad. Instead, the expert squad will now drive monster trucks directly through the streets of Libya, Somalia, Yemen and other terrorist centers, crushing cars and plowing through crowds. “Monster trucks have proven to be an effective attack weapon,” said a source close to for the SEALS. “They are unstoppable, they are deadly – and they can be dropped by helicopter quickly anywhere in the world.” Navy SEAL leaders reason that there are bound to be terrorists hiding in any group of people in the Mideast, so driving recklessly through any town will mow down dozens. “We can identify people later,” said the source.
In an attempt to attract more tourists to their country – despite its being a hotbed of terrorism – the government of Yemen is introducing a multi-million-dollar tourism promotion. Consisting of international television commercials, brochures and a comprehensive web site, the new campaign is built around a cuddly character called Yemeni Cricket. Yemeni Cricket will be seen in front of famous tourist attractions in Yemen, urging people to experience all that Yemen has to offer – a welcoming culture, beautiful historic sites, exotic food, exciting everyday life, and an excellent hospital system. It remains to be seen if Yemeni Cricket will have any effect on tourism to Yemen, given the total ban on visiting the country by most western nations.
Following an unusual amount of “chatter” on terrorist networks, the U.S. State Department is warning Americans to avoid travel to Mideast destinations – especially embassies – for the month of August. At the same time, the State Department is also warning terrorists not to carry explosive devices without an Official Terrorist permit. “Terrorists caught with bombs or other weapons without an official permit will be arrested,” a State Department official warned. “In addition, if terrorists do set off explosives and kill themselves and others, we will make sure they do not receive their promised 72 virgins in the afterlife.” The State Department has set up several registration points around the Mideast so that terrorists can sign up and receive their Official Terrorist permits. Terrorists should bring two 2 X 3-inch photographs of themselves and some form of identification. Official Terrorist permits will be issued within four to 6 weeks.
In an attempt to attract young terrorists, Al-Qaeda is changing its tune. Instead of producing inflammatory videos showing terrorists in training, leaders inciting a crowd and enemies being executed, the international terror organization is turning to music. The new Al-Qaeda music video Allah Akbar shows young terrorist wannabes singing and dancing in the street, wearing suicide vests and waving weapons. Already, Allah Akbar has reached number 36 on the charts, with a bullet.
Suspected terrorists and enemy combatants incarcerated at the prison at Guantanamo Bay Naval Base since 2002, who are holding a hunger strike to protest their indefinite stay, will be dealt with soon, say lawyers for the government. They won’t be detained much longer at Gitmo – but neither will they be put on trial. Instead, the men will be transferred to a place as far away as possible, in order to be completely out of the public’s consciousness and the news – not at Thomson Correctional Facility in Illinois, but an nearby asteroid that has been captured by a NASA spacecraft. The asteroid, which doesn’t even have a name, will be stocked with enough air, food and water to last the 166 men twelve years – until the asteroid makes its journey around the solar system and comes back to Earth. At that time, government prosecutors will make another decision on whether to deal with the prisoners – or not.
Noting that the destruction and loss of life from car bombs is extremely high when compared to the cost, the Air Force will begin using the weapon, switching from expensive high explosive conventional bombs. Car bombs weigh no more than a typical blockbuster bomb, are much more cost-effective if used cars are employed, and can be dropped by the same aircraft being used now. “We’ll give terrorists a taste of their own medicine,” said Air Force Commander Paul Selva. “It’ll be a complete surprise – and we’ll save money, too.” While some logistics need to be worked out, and bombers need to be retrofitted to drop autos instead of conventional bombs, the Air Force is confident in its ability to accurately drop car bombs on terrorist hideouts. Military planners can’t wait to see the results of a coordinated car bomb air attack, with hundreds or even thousands of cars being dropped at a single time. Air Force officials are busy locating suitable used cars and importing them to Afghanistan, installing bombs and preparing them for use. If you have a used car you’d like to donate, please contact the Air Force at www.af.mil/carbomb.