Former House Speaker Newt Gingrich says that in order to find out who in this country are Muslims, and liable to be terrorists, it’s not necessary to ask them if they believe in Islamic Shariah law. After all, that would be against the Constitution, and it would be too easy for a Muslim to say “No.” Instead, he proposes that we ask each person to draw their idea of what Mohammad looks like. “It’s a simple test,” says Gingrich. “Non-Muslims could draw their own image of Mohammad, even if it’s just a stick figure.But since it’s forbidden for Muslims to create any image of Mohammad, they would refuse. Presto – you’ve got a Muslim. Just trot him out to a bus and deport him on the spot. It’s a foolproof idea.”
“Hawaii is great, but it’s just too dang far away,” said a spokesman for the Department of Homeland Security. “The islands are just hanging out there in the Pacific, halfway to China, looking like ripe targets for takeovers by other countries. Our Naval base at Pearl Harbor is too expensive to supply at those distances, with all the cutbacks going on, yet we can’t afford to reduce protection. Plus it’s too far for people from the mainland to visit comfortably, and vice versa. So since the islands are not that big, we’ve decided it’s feasible to just bring them closer.” The spokesman explained that the U.S. Government plans to use powerful lasers developed by the Navy Department to basically saw the islands off their volcanic foundations, and use the fleet of aircraft carriers and other powerful ships to tow them closer to California. “The Hawaiian Islands will be towed across the ocean in a complex operation that is expected to take 14 months,” said the spokesman. “They’ll be anchored a hundred miles off San Diego, making them easier to supply, protect and visit. While it’s an expensive proposition, the Government will save billions of dollars, and the country will be safer.”
In an proactive effort to stop worldwide terrorism, President Obama intends to speak to the terrorists directly. “The President will travel to Syria in two weeks to bring his Stop Terror Now presentation to the only people who can bring an end to the madness – the leaders of the biggest terror groups,” said a White House spokesman. “These leaders are being invited to an auditorium in Damascus to hear the President’s specially-prepared Powerpoint presentation detailing the benefits of stopping terrorism around the world. These are powerful talking points, and the President feels confident that once the terrorists see the truth, and see how they can’t possibly win, they will all agree to go back to living peaceful lives once again.” In an aside, the spokesman said, “Frankly, this is kind of a last ditch effort on the President’s part. If this lecture thing doesn’t work, he doesn’t know what else to do.”
The worldwide crackdown on the terrorist group ISIS just became more intensified. Joining the governments of France, the United States, Germany and Turkey, the Boy Scouts of America declared they too are actively stepping up their efforts to battle terrorism. “We’ve got a lot of great kids who want to use their Scouting skills to bring an end to the scourge of ISIS,” said a spokesman for the Boy Scouts. “They’re trained to use knives, bows and arrows, hatchets, and other weapons, plus they know how to use camouflage, track an enemy, survive in the woods, communicate in code, and bring down a computer network. Up to now, they’ve been content to collect merit badges, but now they want to use that knowledge help mankind. We’ll be sending Boy Scout troops from all over the country to the Mideast, where they’ll take ISIS by surprise and help free the world of ideological terrorism.”
Fed up with attacks on tourists in Tunisia and Libya, a busload of tourists traveling through Jordan took matters into their own hands and killed a group of ISIS terrorists yesterday. During their visit to ancient sites, the tour group, comprised of tourists from the U.S., Great Britain, Germany and Holland, came across evidence of ISIS terrorists in the area. “We were just so mad, we grabbed some weapons from a local police station,” said a woman from Cincinnati. “Then we got back on the bus, tracked down the terrorists, jumped out and just mowed them down.” Officials say the tour group killed 32 terrorists and gravely wounded 16.
Officials of the FBI announced that they had discovered – and foiled – an incredible terrorist plot to commandeer tractors on farms across the country and use them to spread poison on corn and other crops. “This rivals the 911 plan,” said an FBI spokesman. “Al Qaeda terrorists were trained in the use of modern tractors and were supplied with American farmers’ clothing. A huge cache of bib overalls, checked shirts and John Deere caps were found in several barns in various areas of the Midwest, in addition to detailed maps of many large farms. The terrorists were instructed in the use of biological poisons, and would have used the captured tractors to spread the poisons on our nation’s fields, disrupting our food supply. We have captured the fifteen terrorists involved. Americans can sleep soundly, knowing that their corn flakes are safe to eat.”
Despite being threatened by terrorists, Pope Francis has decided to sell his own handgun to raise money for the poor. “His Holiness realized that the gold-and-jewel-encrusted Colt .45 he carries under his robe in public appearances is worth tens of thousands of dollars, and is offering it for sale so that he may further help the homeless and downtrodden,” said a Vatican spokesman. “He trusts God – and the Swiss Guards – to protect him if he is attacked.” The pistol comes with the Pope’s jeweled holster and Italian concealed weapon permit, making it one of the most valuable items ever put up for sale by a Pope.
Not content with capturing and operating three fighter jets in its battle to establish an Islamic state, terror group ISIS has now taken control of a local Iraqi airline, complete with five passenger airliners. ISIS has renamed the company ISIS Airlines, and is using the planes to ferry its soldiers back and forth across its territory. However, ordinary citizens can book flights on ISIS Airlines, too. The flights are a little irregular, but you can be sure no terrorists will try to bring down your plane. That’s because everyone on board, from the air crew to the stewards and the passengers, is an armed terrorist. If you are over six feet tall, you will be asked to sit in the rear of the plane so as not to obstruct the soldiers’ view of the jihadist video constantly being played on the overhead screens. If you refuse to move, your head will be taken off and placed in an overhead bin for the duration of the flight.
In the most outrageous misidentification ever recorded, the British rock band Procol Harum – famous for its 1967 song A Whiter Shade of Pale – was arrested by Nigerian police for kidnapping 200 schoolgirls in Nigeria. “We have arrested the outlaw group Boko Haram,” said a spokesman for the Nigerian police. “Now their reign of terror, mass murder and kidnapping will stop.” The members of Procol Harum, who were arrested after their concert in Leffrinckcouke, France, denied kidnapping or hurting anyone. “We’re all about peace and love,” said group member Gary Brooker.
It’s that time again! Spring is blossoming, the air is getting warmer, and the world is full of juicy targets. That’s why the al Qaeda folks are celebrating with a huge blowout and fun fest that’s perfect for the whole family. Everyone’s invited – but don’t tell anyone, because it’s a secret! There’ll be sack races, balloon tossing, weapons checks, pie-eating contests, target practice, frisbee games, home-made plastic explosives tips, clowns, and slogan chanting, with music provided by the Tally Band! Oh – and you’ll also find out about the latest plans for world disruption! It’ll be a whole week of fun and merriment, so gather the family and head over to the al Qaeda ranch down the road from Uncle Ibn’s place. And remember – mum’s the word!
If you’re a terrorist in Afghanistan, you’d better hope that the U.S. military doesn’t have your picture. That’s because the newest generation of autonomous drones is programmed to go after specific individuals. The new drones are equipped not only with ground-penetrating radar and night vision, but the latest facial recognition technology, enabling them to target individuals anywhere they might be hiding. “Sure, one at a time is an expensive way to get rid of your enemies, but if it works, we’ll keep doing it,” an unnamed spokesman for the Army said. As a result of the new drone attacks, Taliban and Al Qaida leaders are lining up for plastic surgery to alter their looks, and have stopped taking selfies.
Thanks to a host of potential problems like terrorist attacks, uncompleted hotels, undrinkable water, unready sports venues – even phone hacking – the 2014 Winter Games in Sochi are the first Olympic games to be completely computer generated. Instead of sending their actual Olympic athletes to the Games, the nations of the world are keeping their athletes at home and instead sending animated avatars of them – computer versions of real men and women with the actual capabilities of the athletes stored as computer algorithms. What the world sees on television is the computer generated version of what would happen if the athletes actually competed. You’ll see CGI versions of stadiums, arenas and tracks as if they were real, populated by simulated crowds, judges and athletes. “These CGI versions are incredible,” said a spokesman for a Hollywood production company. “You’ll think the Games are really happening – and the results will be authentic. The athletes whose avatars win will receive actual gold, silver and bronze medals by mail – which will be the only real things from these Olympics. And this is only the beginning – we’re actually starting work on animating the Summer Games now.”
One of the most unusual aspects of the war against terrorist leaders is the necessity to keep killing them over and over. This week, US and Pakistani officials announced that Taliban leader Hakimullah Mehsud was killed by a drone strike – again. Mehsud had been killed once before, in a strike in 2010, but returned to life, kept up his terror activities, and had to be killed again. “This is a disturbing pattern,” said a US Government source. “These zombies keep coming back, forcing us to expend more resources to keep them dead.” No one would say how many zombie Taliban leaders had returned from the dead, but the number is estimated to be in the dozens.
The Air Force isn’t the only service to employ drones. Now comes news that the Army will launch their own… but not the flying kind. The Army drones are based on robot vacuum cleaners that move autonomously around your house, cleaning up dust and dirt while you watch TV. The Army drones won’t be doing any cleaning, however. The Army version, called AD-1X, is specially modified to move silently among suspected terrorists’ hideouts, listening to conversations and broadcasting them back to headquarters. It’s not romote-controlled – the AD-1X is completely autonomous and moves on its own, deciding where to go, where to hide and what to record. If the AD-1X is discovered by a household pet, the robot will use a special spray to incapacitate the animal for half an hour. In case the AD-1X is spotted by humans, it’s programmed to destroy itself, leaving nothing but a pile of ashes.
Investigators revealed that Navy SEALS – the elite assassination team fielded by the Navy – has dropped its time-consuming and difficult tactic of parachuting at night and hiding before shooting known terrorists abroad. Instead, the expert squad will now drive monster trucks directly through the streets of Libya, Somalia, Yemen and other terrorist centers, crushing cars and plowing through crowds. “Monster trucks have proven to be an effective attack weapon,” said a source close to for the SEALS. “They are unstoppable, they are deadly – and they can be dropped by helicopter quickly anywhere in the world.” Navy SEAL leaders reason that there are bound to be terrorists hiding in any group of people in the Mideast, so driving recklessly through any town will mow down dozens. “We can identify people later,” said the source.
In an attempt to attract more tourists to their country – despite its being a hotbed of terrorism – the government of Yemen is introducing a multi-million-dollar tourism promotion. Consisting of international television commercials, brochures and a comprehensive web site, the new campaign is built around a cuddly character called Yemeni Cricket. Yemeni Cricket will be seen in front of famous tourist attractions in Yemen, urging people to experience all that Yemen has to offer – a welcoming culture, beautiful historic sites, exotic food, exciting everyday life, and an excellent hospital system. It remains to be seen if Yemeni Cricket will have any effect on tourism to Yemen, given the total ban on visiting the country by most western nations.
Following an unusual amount of “chatter” on terrorist networks, the U.S. State Department is warning Americans to avoid travel to Mideast destinations – especially embassies – for the month of August. At the same time, the State Department is also warning terrorists not to carry explosive devices without an Official Terrorist permit. “Terrorists caught with bombs or other weapons without an official permit will be arrested,” a State Department official warned. “In addition, if terrorists do set off explosives and kill themselves and others, we will make sure they do not receive their promised 72 virgins in the afterlife.” The State Department has set up several registration points around the Mideast so that terrorists can sign up and receive their Official Terrorist permits. Terrorists should bring two 2 X 3-inch photographs of themselves and some form of identification. Official Terrorist permits will be issued within four to 6 weeks.
It was recently revealed that the nation’s super-secret spy organization, the National Security Agency, has not only been keeping tabs on your email and online viewing habits – it uses sophisticated technology to record every aspect of your life. Millions of hidden video cameras in walls, light fixtures and even overhead drones follow every single American every minute of the day, and it’s all recorded and sent to NSA headquarters outside Washington, D.C. While this means that the government can identify and track the activities of potential terrorists, it also means your life has been totally recorded for the last eight years. On the surface, this may seem alarming, but if you haven’t been doing anything illegal, you’ve got nothing to worry about. In fact, the NSA allows people to listen to or view their recordings – so if you’ve forgotten where you put your car keys, or what you wife asked to you to get from the store, or even the details from an important meeting you had at work, you can simply call up the NSA and they’ll play back the relevant tape. You can even ask for copies of a family gathering or vacation you didn’t get good pictures of.
In an attempt to attract young terrorists, Al-Qaeda is changing its tune. Instead of producing inflammatory videos showing terrorists in training, leaders inciting a crowd and enemies being executed, the international terror organization is turning to music. The new Al-Qaeda music video Allah Akbar shows young terrorist wannabes singing and dancing in the street, wearing suicide vests and waving weapons. Already, Allah Akbar has reached number 36 on the charts, with a bullet.
Noting that the destruction and loss of life from car bombs is extremely high when compared to the cost, the Air Force will begin using the weapon, switching from expensive high explosive conventional bombs. Car bombs weigh no more than a typical blockbuster bomb, are much more cost-effective if used cars are employed, and can be dropped by the same aircraft being used now. “We’ll give terrorists a taste of their own medicine,” said Air Force Commander Paul Selva. “It’ll be a complete surprise – and we’ll save money, too.” While some logistics need to be worked out, and bombers need to be retrofitted to drop autos instead of conventional bombs, the Air Force is confident in its ability to accurately drop car bombs on terrorist hideouts. Military planners can’t wait to see the results of a coordinated car bomb air attack, with hundreds or even thousands of cars being dropped at a single time. Air Force officials are busy locating suitable used cars and importing them to Afghanistan, installing bombs and preparing them for use. If you have a used car you’d like to donate, please contact the Air Force at www.af.mil/carbomb.