Fed up with the hassle of being asked by the FBI to create a “backdoor” in iPhone software that would let them snoop on people’s private information, Apple took the unprecedented step of buying the law enforcement agency. “Normally, Federal agencies aren’t for sale,” said Tim Cook, Apple’s CEO. “But we’ve got so much money, we can do what we want. Now at last we can find out how the FBI cracked that one guy’s iPhone in San Bernardino, and Apple customers will rest assured that never again will the FBI or any other law enforcement agency be able to repeat it.” Cook wouldn’t say how much Apple paid for the FBI, but it’s rumored to be around $5 billion. All Cook would say about the price was, “It’s worth it.”
Citing increased competition, its failure to maintain its lead in operating software, its complete misreading of mobile opportunities, and its dismal record in hardware devices, Microsoft Corporation today announced its exit from the computing industry and all its existing business. Instead, the company will use its financial expertise to become an investment company, focusing on retirement options. “All our existing products and services had been either purchased from other companies, or copied from other companies,” admitted a Microsoft spokesman. “We never introduced a single innovation, not one. Windows, a poor copy of the Macintosh, is a bloated mess. The Zune, a poor copy of the iPod, died an early death. The Surface, a poor copy of the iPad, is being used for landfill. Bill Gates is off spending his money, and Steve Ballmer, our resident visionary, is no longer around to keep our failures going through bullying and ranting. So we’re going to reinvent the company.” Calling itself Microsoft Financial, the new company will focus its efforts on making sure its top management retires comfortably.
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