The question of whether Russian hackers interfered with the Presidential election has been answered, according to President-Elect Trump. “Vladimir called me and said they didn’t do it,” he announced to a small group of reporters. “That’s good enough for me, okay? I believe him. He’s a straight-shooter. He called me a genius and a statesman, and that proves he knows what’s what. He said his people don’t even know how to work computers. I hope this puts an end to all the guessing and investigating, and we can get on with making America great again. By the way, Vlad also said that thanks to cuts in Russian real estate taxes, my investment properties in St. Petersburg have gone through the roof.”
European and Russian space agencies have announced a joint project to build the first human settlement on the moon. The venture, named Luna 27, is set to begin launching missions by the year 2020. Scientists suspect there is a substrate of ice at the moon’s south pole, and the first mission will check for water and minerals. Professor Igor Mitrofanov of the Space Research Institute in Moscow said “We have to go to the moon. We have the technology, the knowledge and the ambition. Plus, the moon is the only place we know of that has room for the hundreds of thousands of refugees fleeing repressive regimes in the Mideast and elsewhere. Neither Europe or Russia wants them. Why not send them all somewhere where they won’t get in the way? We’ll gain important scientific knowledge, and we’ll be done with the refugee problem at the same time.”
The FBI announced today that Russian hackers have broken into kids’ piggy banks across the country. “This is a shocking development,” said an FBI spokesman. “It shows the sophistication of Russian hackers – they’re able to break into any bank anywhere, no matter what size, even those not connected to the Internet.” There’s no evidence that the hackers stole any money, but the very fact that they can remotely break into private peoples’ homes and count change should send a warning message to everyone.
In a completely unexpected development, the White House announced a simultaneous solution to both the Iraq and Ukraine situations – both countries will become part of the United States. “That will solve everything,” said President Obama. “When Iraq and Ukraine are our 51st and 52nd states, they won’t be foreign countries anymore. We can impose martial law to quell any violence, arrest anybody who tries to make trouble, outlaw any problem groups, loan money to people who want to build up the economy, build factories, hire people, and in general bring peace to both regions the American way… because they’ll all be Americans.” In announcing what will become known as the Obama Doctrine, the President also suggested that other countries could become states, too, like Syria or North Korea. “We could eventually have two or three hundred states scattered around the world,” said the President. “We realize that the populations of these areas will have to vote to join the Union – but we can make it happen. We’re better than they are at throwing an election,” he said with a wink.
After Russia lost interest in continuing to fund the International Space Station, the remaining astronauts will return to Earth, leaving the station empty. But not for long. Since it’s in a stable orbit and can remain aloft for years without intervention, the huge space station can be populated by non-astronauts. Space officials have given the Salvation Army permission to use the space station as a homeless shelter, with operating expenses paid for by public donations. The first twenty homeless people will be sent to the station in August, with another twenty to follow in December. Food, water and other essentials will be periodically sent to the station. A NASA spokesman said that while he was disappointed by the development, at least the International Space Station was being put to good use.
After his successful meetings with North Korea’s Kim Jung Un, former basketball star Dennis Rodman announced that he has been invited to meet with Russian President Vladimir Putin to help solve the Ukraine crisis. “He just called out of the blue,” said Rodman. “I never heard of the guy. But I’m flying to Russia with a couple basketball buddies to meet him.” According to the U.S. State Department, Rodman doesn’t represent the United States, nor does he have any negotiating power. But a spokesman for the State Department said “At this point, we’re looking to defuse the Ukraine situation by any means possible.” On his way back from Russia, Rodman said he’s also scheduled to meet with Nigeria’s terror group Boko Haram to help free the captured schoolgirls.
Stealth technology that makes aircraft invisible to radar has been around for decades. Now those same principles have been applied to army tanks, but with a twist – they’re also invisible to the eye! The U.S. Army’s S-100 Battle Tank cannot be seen even at 50 yards, making it the Army’s most deadly weapon. The S-100 is computer-controlled, enabling it to detect up to 1,000 targets at a time at distances of up to ten miles, and fire its million-watt laser cannon 10 times a second, turning to focus on each target. The Army won’t say where the S-100 battalions are deployed, but observers speculate they have been operating in Russia and China for a year, completely undetected.
Russian President Vladimir Putin made a valiant effort yesterday to distract the attention of reporters away from the worsening situation in Ukraine. Removing his shirt to show off his impressive physique, Putin mounted a horse and led the reporters into the forests around Moscow. At one point, his horse Sheba reared up, and Putin demonstrated his skills with the lariat by lassoing a deer. The venture was successful – news of the Russian encroachment in Ukraine was completely eclipsed for the day.
After its success in Ukraine and Mexico by soldiers using unmarked uniforms, Russia has hit upon an entirely new military strategy. Last week Russian soldiers were issued new non-threatening uniforms that not only bear no markings, but are completely inoffensive and even fun. The new uniforms will be used by Russian soldiers when they infiltrate neighboring countries to prepare them for annexation. Russian president Vladimir Putin is continuing his goal of not only reassembling the former Soviet Union, but extending Russia’s reach into Southeast Asia, Africa, and even Canada. “The new uniforms will not alarm anyone,” a military analyst said. “In fact, most people of the world would welcome these characters, not realizing that inside each one is a well-trained soldier aiming to take over their country.”
Emboldened by his bloodless takeover of Crimea, Russian president Vladimir Putin announced that Russia has also annexed Mexico. “The people of Mexico secretly want to be part of Russia, since their country separated from ours by continental drift,” said Putin. “As a result, all Russian-speaking Mexicans voted to rejoin the mother country, and we have today made their wish come true.” Finding out about this latest incursion by Putin, President Obama said, “If this trend is not reversed, if Russia continues its march around the world, we will have no choice but to continue wagging our fingers and drawing lines in the sand.”
Thanks to a host of potential problems like terrorist attacks, uncompleted hotels, undrinkable water, unready sports venues – even phone hacking – the 2014 Winter Games in Sochi are the first Olympic games to be completely computer generated. Instead of sending their actual Olympic athletes to the Games, the nations of the world are keeping their athletes at home and instead sending animated avatars of them – computer versions of real men and women with the actual capabilities of the athletes stored as computer algorithms. What the world sees on television is the computer generated version of what would happen if the athletes actually competed. You’ll see CGI versions of stadiums, arenas and tracks as if they were real, populated by simulated crowds, judges and athletes. “These CGI versions are incredible,” said a spokesman for a Hollywood production company. “You’ll think the Games are really happening – and the results will be authentic. The athletes whose avatars win will receive actual gold, silver and bronze medals by mail – which will be the only real things from these Olympics. And this is only the beginning – we’re actually starting work on animating the Summer Games now.”
Not content with being President of Russia, Vladimir Putin has taken advantage of his muscular physique and begun a second career as a male model. He signed with a top Russian modeling agency, Alexandr Models, and has just completed his first assignment – a magazine spread for Russa Cologne. Besides his good looks, Putin’s incredible prestige and international reputation are expected to help sell any product, from men’s fashion to food to automobiles. Unsubstantiated rumor has it that his next appearance will be singing and dancing in a TV commercial for Pepsi, the top-selling soft drink in Russia.
An unusual construction project has just been completed in Russia – not only the world’s longest subway, but the first subway to ever be built above ground. Russia is noted for its advanced subway technology, like the famous one below Moscow. But when Russian construction engineers wanted to build a subway a thousand miles across the country, they were confronted by a huge problem – the soil above the Arctic Circle is completely frozen, making it very expensive and impractical to dig through. Undeterred, the engineers decided on a radical solution: locate the subway above ground. The result – a subway from Moscow to Norilsk, 1,500 miles away. The first train is scheduled to leave Moscow this June – and you can be on it! The subway ride will take an estimated six days, and the train will make two stops along the way – Nizhniy Novgorod and Perm. Here’s your chance to be in on an historical achievement – plus you’ll get to ride a subway for almost a week! Book your tickets now, before the first train is sold out.