Former House Speaker Newt Gingrich says that in order to find out who in this country are Muslims, and liable to be terrorists, it’s not necessary to ask them if they believe in Islamic Shariah law. After all, that would be against the Constitution, and it would be too easy for a Muslim to say “No.” Instead, he proposes that we ask each person to draw their idea of what Mohammad looks like. “It’s a simple test,” says Gingrich. “Non-Muslims could draw their own image of Mohammad, even if it’s just a stick figure.But since it’s forbidden for Muslims to create any image of Mohammad, they would refuse. Presto – you’ve got a Muslim. Just trot him out to a bus and deport him on the spot. It’s a foolproof idea.”
Saying it was one of the most insidious plots he’s ever seen, Senator Ted Cruz of New Mexico announced that Congress has passed a bill to rid the country of Arabic numbers. “Who knew our numbers weren’t American?” said Cruz. “We can’t continue using foreign numbers – let alone Arabic ones – in our economic system, and indeed in our very culture. They might be priming us for replacing our law with Sharia Law. When it becomes effective in June, the American Numbers Act will replace the so-called Arabic numbers from 1 to 10 with truly American numbers, used for thousands of years by Native Americans. The new numbers are sun, moon, tree, teepee, eagle, bear, warrior, mountain, arrow, and cloud.” Cruz held up a poster with the symbols for the new numbers. “These numbers will be required to be used on your income taxes for the year moon cloud sun eagle,” he continued. “And after that, all books and papers with Arabic numbers will be burned and replaced with American numbers. We in Congress think it’s about time all foreign influence was erased from this great country… starting with numbers.”
Saying “I’ve really got nothing better to do,” Mitt Romney announced that he’s available to run for President in 2016. “I just sit around my houses – I’m not saying how many I have – talk on the phone, and drive Ann crazy,” Romney continued. “Every once in a while I go to a meeting with potential backers, or make my speech, or look at my bank statements, but that’s about it. At least running for President kept me busy. I haven’t really kept up with what’s been going on, but they tell me this guy what’s-his-name – Obama – is now talking about taxing rich people so we’ll become poor like everybody else. Well, nuts with that. Maybe I’ll be President just to keep us one-percenters on top. I’ve already been in talks with my makeup people, my hair people, my tailors, and my fitness instructor, and they all think I can be a great President. So if anybody wants me, I’ll be sitting back by the pool… I’m not saying which one.”
Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell yesterday said that thanks to the Republican takeover of Congress, the sun is now shining. “If you’ll remember, it’s been pretty cloudy since 2008,” said McConnell. “Now it’s sunny again, thanks to the commonsense policies of the Republican leadership of Congress. That’s no coincidence, in my book.” When Minority Leader Harry Reid – who recently hurt his eye in an exercise accident – heard McConnell’s claim, he fell off his chair laughing… and hurt his other eye.
Scientists at the University of Virginia recently proved the existence of a complete universe that parallels ours – but is in many ways our opposite. “We were amazed to find how similar this universe is to ours,” said a scientist. “Yet how different. For example, there’s a parallel Earth, complete with parallel life-forms – even parallel humans. They’re like us, but with unbelievable differences. For one thing, they believe that affordable health care is the worst thing that could happen to them. They’re even willing to shut down their government to prevent it from helping people. Unfortunately, there’s no way to communicate with this parallel universe, so it’s on a path to self-destruction. The only question is when.”
Working throughout the night, Republican and Democratic leaders have hammered out a plan that will prevent the federal government from shutting down on Oct. 1 – even if no budget agreement is reached. Instead of having to close down federal departments and services when the present budget expires, the entire federal government will be operated by China. “The Chinese have generously offered to take over any federal offices, services and departments that would be impacted by our budget problem,” said a federal spokesman. “They have benefitted greatly from our economy, and they don’t want to see any slowdown in our activity,” the spokesman continued. “They have the manpower, intimate knowledge of our operations, and complete integration of our computer systems, which they’ve been developing on their own initiative over the past few years. They’ll have no problem operating our government remotely from overseas. We thank the Chinese government for their assistance in this time of need.” Republican leader John Boehner and President Obama both extended their thanks and appreciation to the Chinese, relieved that a government shutdown has been averted.
In one of the most unexpected natural occurrences ever recorded, a giant sinkhole collapsed in the nation’s capital, taking with it a building where the Republican Party had been meeting. “Every member of the Party is gone,” said a local reporter who had been covering the event. “One minute there’s a bunch of people arguing about Obamacare, and the next there’s a big gaping hole where a Party used to be.” Emergency crews were called to the scene, but the area was so unstable that no one could get close to the hole to be of any assistance, fearing they’d be sucked in, too. National Democratic leaders reacted with shock and amazement to the news. “We were all wondering how the Republicans were going to revitalize their party, what new ideas they were going to come up with, how they were going to appeal to people other than old white guys, and now we’ll never know,” said a spokesman for the Democrats.
In a scene reminiscent of the Jonestown massacre, Capitol Hill security officials entered both houses of Congress to find every Republican lying dead at his or her desk. “Every single Republican senator and member of the House of Representatives committed suicide this morning,” said a Congressional spokesman. Each one had bitten a cyanide pill given out by Republican leader John Boehner earlier this year to keep them from inadvertently helping the Obama Administration in any way. Each had taken a blood oath to obstruct and block every single administration initiative – and they had been almost completely successful until this morning. That’s when Democratic Senator Dick Durbin of Illinois approached the Republican side of the Senate seeking to borrow a Kleenex to wipe up some spilled coffee. The Republicans saw Durbin coming and panicked, thinking he was going to ask them to help pass some legislation or work with Democrats in some way. They each took out their cyanide pills and bit down on them. Word passed to the House of Representatives, where all Republican congressmen followed suit, including some staff workers. Ambulances lined the driveways of both houses of Congress, and it took several hours to load the bodies of the Republicans and take them to area hospitals. Jay Carney, White House spokesman, said the President was saddened by the development, but he wasn’t surprised. “President Obama knew that the Republicans had become completely fanatical,” Carney said. “But on the bright side, the President said at least now we can get some legislation passed.”
The Republican Party, jokingly referred to as the Party of No because it has steadfastly refused to work with any Democrats, has made it official. Starting Monday, the national Republican Party will be known as the No-Nope-No Way-Not In This Lifetime-Are You Kidding Me Party, or NNNWNITLAYKMP. While it may appear to be an awkward name, it is simply what every Republican Member of Congress says all day long, so it will be easy for them to remember.
If you’ve been wondering about what Mitt Romney stands for, or what his economic plan for America is, or even some examples of his sense of humor, you’re in luck. Now there’s a set of books that puts everything known about Mitt Romney down on paper. Take Mitt Romney’s Plan For Restoring America’s Economy, for example. It’s everything Romney has said about exactly what legislation he’d propose, what specific actions he’d take – his complete agenda. It’s 250 pages of blank paper, perfect for jotting down your own notes, keeping a diary, sketching, or hundreds of other uses. Then there’s The Foreign Policy of Mitt Romney, detailing his experience. It too is 250 blank pages, so you’ve got more room to write and sketch. The Wit and Wisdom of Mitt Romney and The Compassion of Mitt Romney together total another 500 pages of blank paper. Then there’s The Complete Tax Returns of Mitt Romney and The Unwavering Views of Mitt Romney, for more great jotting and doodling. Altogether, the complete Mitt Romney Blank Book Library offers 1,500 gloriously blank pages – not an idea, plan or belief on them, until you add your own!
The complete 6-volume Mitt Romney Blank Book Library, $59.95
Puzzled by Republicans’ seeming inability to perceive the world as it actually is, scientists at Glendenning Optical Laboratory analyzed optic nerve acuity of hundreds of Republicans, and created computerized eyeglasses that simulate what a Republican sees as he or she looks around. Put on the GOP Vision™ glasses, and you’ll be amazed what you can see – and can’t see. For example, scan a crowd, and you’ll see only millionaires and a few upper middle class people. If there are any low income or disadvantaged people there, they’ll be completely invisible. Drive down a street, and you’ll see only banks. On the other hand, pass an unemployment office, and you’ll see a long line of people who aren’t actually there! Look at a list of accomplishments of the Obama administration – like the rescue of General Motors and the Health Care bill – and the page will appear to be blank! This Republican optical phenomenon has yet to be understood, but with GOP Vision glasses, you’ll have a glimpse of a frightening alternate reality that many people actually experience in real life. But be warned, wearing GOP Vision glasses for an extended time can be dangerous. The Republican view of the world has so many blind spots, you could be hit by something you didn’t see coming.
GOP Vision computerized glasses, $1,299.
In a stunning announcement by NASA scientists, new analysis of data from the Mars Rover Opportunity reveals the building blocks of a separate form of life – a life form known here on Earth as Republicans. This immense discovery – which should have been obvious, since Mars is known as the Red Planet – explains much about the way things have developed here on Earth in the last couple of centuries. While there are no Republicans known to be left on Mars, scientists now have a theory that a huge comet struck Mars at some point, sucking up dirt, debris and Republican DNA. This comet then passed near enough to Earth to deposit its debris into our gravitational field. The Republican DNA then somehow became mixed with human DNA, eventually resulting in creatures like Dick Cheney, Karl Rove and Mitch McConnell. This theory explains why Republicans have no sense of humanity, no idea what makes our financial system work, and why their programs have no earthly connection to reality – they were designed for a completely different planet! Get the full details of the NASA report – before November!
Nobody’s known for carrying more things around with him than Newt Gingrich, the Presidential candidate and luggage designer. Now you can get a complete set of baggage created by Newt himself! With decades of experience stuffing things where no one can see them, Newt is the perfect person to make luggage. Newt designs luggage with space for all sorts of things – multiple relationships, failed ideas, ill-conceived legislation, citations for ethics violations, whatever you need to drag around. Each Newt Gingrich bag is full of hidden compartments not even a customs inspector would find. And even Newt’s baggage has baggage – every piece of Newt’s luggage has its own capacious bag attached to it. A complete set of Newt Gingrich luggage is composed of 458 pieces, enough for any ambitious politician to stow away an entire career. And no two pieces match, so they can’t be traced to you. From small carry-ons to full trunks, the Newt Gingrich luggage collection will enable you to carry your entire life with you, provided you have enough help to deal with it. And from now until November, every set of Gingrich luggage will come with at least one surprise inside – one you never expected in a million years. Order your set of Newt Gingrich luggage today!
458-piece set of Newt Gingrich® luggage, $7,995.95
Thanks to federal energy efficiency standards, light bulbs sold after January 1, 2012 must comply with new regulations. Light bulbs must have a reasonable light-per-kilowatt output, which will eliminate the 250-watt, 150-watt, and 100-watt bulbs, plus Newt Gingrich, Ron Paul, Mitt Romney, Barbara Bachmann and most other Republican dim bulbs. What this means for the 2012 Presidential race is unclear, but for now, most of President Obama’s opposition seems to have been legally disqualified. Send for our booklet No Light From Republicans for full details.
No Light From Republicans, 212 pp., $29.95
If you’d like a dangerous and exciting hobby – or if you’re considering running for office as a Republican – learn tightrope walking! Tightrope walking is easily mastered with a bit of practice, once you know the basics. It’s always an accomplishment to get from one platform to the next without falling. Tightrope walking is exciting for the ordinary person, but it’s an essential skill that must be mastered for any Republican running for office – and the higher the office, the more skilled you need to be. That’s because you’ve got to learn to balance between the moderate positions of the Republican Party on one side, and the sometimes extreme positions of the Tea Party on the other. Lean too much either way, and you’ll take a big fall. Ordinary tightrope walking is dangerous, but Republican tightrope walking is a life-or-death situation, and could be career-ending. On a tightrope, a Republican mustn’t take any extreme positions if he or she wants to succeed with the general public. And needless to say, tightrope walking takes a certain amount of intelligence to pull off. You can’t just walk out there and lean to one side. So to add a little excitement and danger to your life, take up tightrope walking. If you’re a Republican candidate, it’s a vital skill.
Learn Tightrope Walking for Republicans, 265 pp., $29.95
If you’re the kind of person who refuses to listen to instruction, common sense or history, now you can make good use of your skills – and get lots of attention at the same time! Sign up with the Tea Party Driving School and find out what it takes to drive everyone to distraction. Once in the driver’s seat and traveling down the road, you’ll learn to yell “We’re going in the wrong direction!” and “We’re going downhill!” We’ll show you how to grab the steering wheel in a death grip and yank it all the way to the right, sending your vehicle hurtling into the ditch and preventing it from ever going in the wrong direction again! Whatever vehicle you’re driving, from an 18-wheeler to an SUV to a bill in Congress or even a simple Federal budget negotiation, with Tea Party Driving School training and your innate stubbornness you’ll be able to drive it so far to the right it’ll never work properly again! Sign up for the Tea Party Driving School today – and send the entire country in the right direction!
Sign up for the Tea Party Driving School here.
Like this? You’ll love the Daily Show!
Congress and the President are trying to hammer out an agreement on raising the national debt ceiling, but they’re getting nowhere. Now you can do the job yourself – with the Official Debt Ceiling Hammer! The Official Debt Ceiling Hammer works on any debt ceiling, from the one in your own home or town to your state capital – all the way up to the National Debt Ceiling! With the Official Debt Ceiling Hammer, you’ll be amazed at how you can quickly and easily hammer out an agreement between any parties – even ones that never say yes to anything! One look at the business end of your Official Debt Ceiling Hammer and they’ll know you understand the consequences of doing nothing – and are determined to do something about it! You’ll find yourself hammering out an agreement and smashing through the old debt ceiling in no time. No one else seems to have an Official Debt Ceiling Hammer – so now’s the time to get your own and get the country back on track!*
Official Debt Ceiling Hammer, $99.95
*Please use your Official Debt Ceiling Hammer responsibly.
Why let anything through? Other people will just look good. You too can bring everything to a complete halt with your own Official Republican Roadblock! Send a message to the world – Nothing moves until I get my way! Your Official Republican Roadblock is made with planks of endangered redwood trees, solidly hammered together and painted a bright Republican Red. It’s guaranteed to stop any traffic on street, sidewalk, or legislative agenda. Each one is emblazoned with a clever and original GOP motto. Put a few Official Republican Roadblocks around the neighborhood, and you’re sure to get everyone seeing things your way. In fact, when you order a dozen, they’re subsidized by the Koch Brothers! It’s a deal you can’t afford to miss!
12 Official Republican Roadblocks, $24.00
Faced with a diminishing number of viable Presidential candidates next year, the Republican National Committee is taking a cue from TV shows like “American Idol” and “America’s Got Talent.” They’re producing a show on the Fox Network called “Who Wants To Be a GOP Candidate?” and taking it on the road from coast to coast starting next January. Hosted by noted commentator Sean Hannity of Fox News, the show will audition potential candidates in New York, Miami, Chicago, Denver, Seattle and San Francisco. But not everyone can apply – the requirements are steep. Contestants must have been born in the United States and able to provide a valid long-form birth certificate, be at least 35 years old on election day, have heard of the Republican Party, be able to put two consecutive sentences together, have attended at least one year of high school, be able to say “no” convincingly, like the taste of tea, be reasonably photogenic and be able to stand up straight. No previous political experience or general knowledge is necessary. Chosen contestants from all cities will face the final competition in Los Angeles in July, 2012, just in time for the Republican National Convention in Tampa the next month.
Check Fox.com for audition schedules, or call Fox Television for more information.