Thanks to Donald Trump’s increasingly bizarre and alarming Presidential campaign, business at Trump hotels around the country has fallen dramatically. “The Trump name is no longer a benefit,” said one hotel manager who declined to be named. “In fact, it’s a liability. No one wants to stay in a place named Trump, now that people know what he’s really like.” In an attempt to reverse the decline, Trump hotels from coast to coast are replacing the Trump name with a name that is more favorable –– Hitler. The first to make the change, the Hitler Hotel Waikiki, began booking customers last month, and reports business is up over last year.
Zeroing in on the only people who can’t remember all his policy flip-flops and backtracks, Presidential candidate Donald Trump’s campaign staff is focusing on support from people with Alzheimer’s disease. “These people are our best hope,” said a campaign staffer. “They only focus on what Trump says today, and forget that he said the opposite thing last week.” In a first for politics, the Trump campaign purchased names and addresses of Alzheimer’s sufferers, and will send out mailers days before the election saying things like “Remember, you promised to vote for Trump.”
Apparently so confident that he’ll be the next President, Donald Trump today said he is not satisfied with the government’s 15 existing executive departments, and has created two additional ones. The new Department of The Fence will be responsible for physically keeping out any and all immigrants, especially Hispanics, Muslims and troublemakers. Trump named Matt Koel, head of the National Socialist White People’s Party, as Secretary of The Fence. In addition, Trump created the Department of Negotiation, which will have responsibility for reducing the national debt, primarily by lowering Treasury bonds to junk status and stiffing creditor nations. Trump named his son, Donald Trump Jr., as Secretary of Negotiation. “We can’t make America great again by just doing the same-old, same-old,” said Trump in announcing the new departments. “We have to take some initiative, and these are just two of the changes I plan to make the minute I step into the Oval Office – which, by the way, isn’t going to be oval for long.”
Donald Trump is so sure he can be elected President without moving a muscle, his campaign manager announced that The Donald is not only skipping the next Presidential Debate – he’s skipping he entire rest of the campaign season. “Mr. Trump feels he has enough votes now to win,” said the manager. “He doesn’t have to do anything more. He’s not going to debate, make speeches, travel to the primaries, or even lift a finger during the entire general election. He’s just going to coast the rest of the way, visiting his resorts, keeping up with his business – and starting to order new drapes for the White House.”
You can identify a Trump building from miles away by its huge “Trump” sign. Now Donald Trump is planning to put a big one on the White House – when he’s the inhabitant. Trump is so confident he’ll be elected that he’s already placed an order for a 250-foot-long “Trump” sign to be installed on the White House roof. “Now, that’s chutzpah,” said one political analyst.
It’s going to be a long, long campaign season. There are now officially more GOP candidates for President than all previous candidates in all previous elections combined. To date, 11,672 people have declared they’re running for the highest office in the land – and 435 more people are filing every day. Besides Rick Santorum, Jeb Bush, Dr. Ben Carson, Chris Christie, Ted Cruz, Carly Fiorina, Lindsey Graham, Mike Huckabee, Bobby Jindal, George Pataki, Rand Paul, Rick Perry, Marco Rubio and Donald Trump, there’s Skip Andrews, Michael Bickelmeyer, Kerry Bowers, John Dummett, Jr., Oscar the Grouch, Mr. Peanut, Mr. Potato Head, Scruffy the Tugboat, Dr. Denton, Pat the Bunny, Charles Manson, Lumpy Pudding, American Pharoah, Rocky the Flying Squirrel, the entire traveling cast of “Music Man,” the entire Mormon Tabernacle Choir, the entire state legislature of Wyoming, the Springfield, Ohio, Women’s Book Club, and over 11,500 more.
Not long after Bruce Jenner announced that he has become Caitlyn, a Democratic Congressman from California has become the first tran-species member of the House of Representatives – and is running for President. Growing up in Oakland, Fred Presser had looked like a human male, but he said he confided to friends that inside he was a horse. “So I made the switch,” he said in announcing his candidacy. “I took the hormones, I had the injections, I had the surgery and transplants, and now I am a horse. I’m running for President to call attention to the trans-species animals among us. I can run faster than any other candidate, and I think I’ve got a good shot at winning as the first true dark-horse candidate.”
Just as the threat of getting breast cancer causes some women to undergo mastectomies, people who are afraid of getting other diseases are having the potentially affected organs removed before problems occur. Thus, if you’re afraid you might get Alzheimer’s, you can prevent the disease by removing the organ that causes it – your brain. This solution is not as radical as it sounds. Many people haven’t used their brains in years. If you have a repetitive, robot-like job, watch reality TV, haven’t read a book since sixth grade, vote Republican, and have a gun in your home, you obviously haven’t been using your brain, and don’t need it at all. Why not have it removed and avoid getting Alzheimer’s, brain cancer, and a myriad of other brain-centered diseases? Without a brain, you’ll sleep better at night, you won’t be bothered with thoughts, and you can go on living your life as you always have.
Presidential candidate Mitt Romney spends so much time explaining that he didn’t mean what he said, although he meant it when he said it before he said the opposite, that he has written a song about it. The song, “Walkin’ It Back,” is a catchy tune about having to deny his previous positions, statements, and beliefs, and how just because he has to deny them, it doesn’t mean he actually believes what he denies, although if it’s to his advantage, he’ll re-deny them or reaffirm them. If you’re a fan of country music, “Walkin’ It Back” is a great country song, but if you’re into pop or jazz, or even classical music, “Walkin’ It Back” is one of those, too. You can hear whatever you’re listening for, and the Romney campaign hopes you do. You can download “Walkin’ It Back” on FoxTunes.com.
He says it at every campaign stop – “I want what you want!” And now, here’s proof. He’s produced a new book all about his agenda – what he believes in, what his core values are, and how those beliefs and values will affect how he will govern the country if he becomes President. It’s called What Mitt Romney Stands For. The unique thing about the book? It’s blank! That’s because Mitt Romney is giving YOU the opportunity to lay out his Presidential agenda! Write your own version of what you’d like Mitt to think, believe and do – what legislation he’ll abolish, what programs he’ll gut, what laws he’ll overturn – and you’ll have a document you can treasure forever. Mitt Romney will be the first President who believes exactly what you do – because it’s in the book! Up to now, no one has known what Mitt stands for, because he seems to be on every side of every issue at some point. It almost seems like he’ll do and say anything to be President! But you know better – and now’s your chance to put it all on paper. Order What Mitt Romney Stands For today – and determine what he stands for yourself!
What Mitt Romney Stands For, 252 blank pp., $29.95
Not satisfied with how Mitt Romney is looking? Don’t like what he stands for? Now you can redesign him yourself! With the “My Mitt Romney” kit, you can make him into anything you want him to be. Make him lean more to the left. Make him lean more to the right. Change the way he looks at taxes, entitlements, women’s rights, corporations, the rich, the poor, the middle class, foreign policy… he’ll be for or against anything you are. As the most accommodating politician to ever run for President, Mitt Romney wants everyone to like what they see. When you’re finished designing your own Mitt Romney, he’ll be just like you! Just hope that a few minutes later, he doesn’t change into something else. Order your “My Mitt Romney” kit today!
My Mitt Romney kit, $14.95
Now you too can have a mind like a steel magnolia… I mean a steel trap. Whatever. With Rick Perry Memory Pills, you can remember details like a Republican Presidential candidate. Details other people forget… like… like… naming the departments of government, or something. You’ll be able to prepare for a speech or a debate and never have to refer to notes, if you ever had any. Rick Perry Memory Pills are made with… with… ingredients. Like something, and something else. That red stuff. Or whatever. Take two Rick Perry Memory Pills in the morning… or is it with your evening meal. No, it’s the morning. If I’m not mistaken. You’ll instantly be able to memorize everything you need to know for that day, including what office you’re running for and even where you are. You’ll impress your friends and astound strangers with your incredible powers of.. of… whatever. Remembering. And now Rick Perry Memory Pills are on sale! If you order now, you can get them at a 90% savings! Make that 95%!
Rick Perry Memory Pills, bottle of 500, $2.99