Thanks to intercession by the Republican National Committee, Donald Trump’s campaign staff includes damage control officers – 153,000 at last count. These damage control officers work the phones and appear on TV interviews, trying to explain Trump’s crazy comments, gaffes, and strange statements. “We’ve had a heck of a time making sense of what he says,” said a Trump operative off the record. “Every morning at 6 a.m. we have a meeting of the head damage control officers in an auditorium to work out how to walk back Trump’s statements, and figure out some spin that will make them acceptable to the public.” But as many damage control people as they have, every one is working 20-hour days. Now with Trump’s statements like “The Second Amendment (meaning gun owners) people will take care of Hillary,” the work has just exploded. The RNC is advertising for 25,000 more damage control people, “and we need them immediately,” said the Trump operative. “Maybe we’ll eventually have to outsource the jobs to India or someplace.”
Presidential candidate Donald Trump surprised the country by today announcing his choice for Vice President, and it was completely unexpected. Despite his previous “short list” of Mike Spence, Chris Christie and Newt Gingrich, Trump said he has chosen actresses Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen to be his co-Vice Presidents. “”Mary-Kate and Ashley are amazing,” said Trump in making the announcement. “They’re fighters, they’ve been all over the world, they’re smart, and they can be in two places at the same time, which is important to me.” The choice sets several precedents – the first twins, the first non-politicians, the first actresses, and the youngest candidates for Vice President ever to run. “They’re only 30,” said Trump, “and they make Hillary look like she’s 90. They’re very versatile, both of them, and they’ll look incredible on our campaign posters.” The choice still has to be approved by the delegates to the Republican convention, but Trump is confident they’ll be approved. “Once they see these girls in person, there will be no problem, I guarantee you.”
Zeroing in on the only people who can’t remember all his policy flip-flops and backtracks, Presidential candidate Donald Trump’s campaign staff is focusing on support from people with Alzheimer’s disease. “These people are our best hope,” said a campaign staffer. “They only focus on what Trump says today, and forget that he said the opposite thing last week.” In a first for politics, the Trump campaign purchased names and addresses of Alzheimer’s sufferers, and will send out mailers days before the election saying things like “Remember, you promised to vote for Trump.”
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