Thanks to Donald Trump’s increasingly bizarre and alarming Presidential campaign, business at Trump hotels around the country has fallen dramatically. “The Trump name is no longer a benefit,” said one hotel manager who declined to be named. “In fact, it’s a liability. No one wants to stay in a place named Trump, now that people know what he’s really like.” In an attempt to reverse the decline, Trump hotels from coast to coast are replacing the Trump name with a name that is more favorable –– Hitler. The first to make the change, the Hitler Hotel Waikiki, began booking customers last month, and reports business is up over last year.
Kentucky Governor Matt Bevin announced today that he has made Presidential Candidate Bernie Sanders an honorary Kentucky Colonel. “During this Presidential campaign, Bernie Sanders has made many noteworthy accomplishments,” said Governor Bevin. “Not least is the fact that he has been able to finance his campaign with small donations from hundreds of thousands of people, and has attracted support from across the political spectrum.” The newly-minted “Colonel” Sanders then addressed a gathering of students at the University of Kentucky, where he served up nuggets of wisdom, and followed his original mix of ideas with an extra crispy legislative program that would satisfy anyone. According to all reports, the students ate it up.
Not content with a typical campaign video, Presidential candidate Donald Trump announced he has financed a complete theatrical motion picture. “It’s costing a billion dollars,” Trump said in announcing the film. “I’m producing it myself. It’s the most amazing movie ever made. It’s all about me and America. We go to all the best places – Mount Rushmore, the Statue of Liberty, Mount Vernon, my casino – and we’re bringing in all the best people – me, George Washington, Abraham Lincoln – big, big people. You know, it’s amazing what you can do with computers these days. I’ll be renting the best theaters to run my movie 24 hours a day, 7 days a week – and more, if available. Everybody will want to see it, and I mean everybody. We’re going to invite Congress, the Supreme Court, the Queen of England, the Pope, the top, top Hollywood celebrities, everybody. Listen, if this movie doesn’t win all the Oscars, all the awards, I’ll be very, very surprised. When I’m President, I’ll buy all the networks and run this movie forever.”
Former Michigan governor and small businessman Mitt Romney wants to set the record straight. “I never said 47% of the American people don’t take responsibility for their actions,” he claimed. “That’s a misperception. It’s also a misperception that I spoke in public. I never made any speech in any campaign, never was in a debate, and in fact I never ran for President.” When asked why he campaigned around the country then, Romney said “That footage was all faked by the Democrats. I never went anywhere. Ann and I spent the whole year at one of our cottages on a lake somewhere. The public has this idea that I wanted to be President. Well, I didn’t. I was never nominated, never said anything anywhere, never got on a campaign bus or plane, never had a staff, nothing like that.” Then he added, “If I had run, I would have won.” Then Romney was gently guided by nurses back into the facility.
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