Zeroing in on the only people who can’t remember all his policy flip-flops and backtracks, Presidential candidate Donald Trump’s campaign staff is focusing on support from people with Alzheimer’s disease. “These people are our best hope,” said a campaign staffer. “They only focus on what Trump says today, and forget that he said the opposite thing last week.” In a first for politics, the Trump campaign purchased names and addresses of Alzheimer’s sufferers, and will send out mailers days before the election saying things like “Remember, you promised to vote for Trump.”
In a shocking development, it was revealed today that Presidential candidate Donald Trump had been genetically modified before birth – the first time a human had DNA from other organisms combined with his or her own. This fact was discovered after a reporter covering Trump sent a sample of Trump’s saliva – wiped from the reporter’s own face after a press conference – to a genetic tracing laboratory. The resulting DNA report detailed Trump’s Scottish and German heritage – but also the surprising fact that the billionaire shared DNA with a Japanese blowfish and a carrot. “There’s no telling how his DNA became so bizarre,” said the reporter. “Maybe Trump’s father Fred had it done in 1946 before Donald was born. It’s also possible that Trump’s mother had been abducted by aliens and her baby’s DNA modified for some reason. In either case, it’s the first case of human genetic engineering on record.” Trump’s blowfish and carrot relatives account for much of his behavior and appearance.
Kentucky Governor Matt Bevin announced today that he has made Presidential Candidate Bernie Sanders an honorary Kentucky Colonel. “During this Presidential campaign, Bernie Sanders has made many noteworthy accomplishments,” said Governor Bevin. “Not least is the fact that he has been able to finance his campaign with small donations from hundreds of thousands of people, and has attracted support from across the political spectrum.” The newly-minted “Colonel” Sanders then addressed a gathering of students at the University of Kentucky, where he served up nuggets of wisdom, and followed his original mix of ideas with an extra crispy legislative program that would satisfy anyone. According to all reports, the students ate it up.
Apparently so confident that he’ll be the next President, Donald Trump today said he is not satisfied with the government’s 15 existing executive departments, and has created two additional ones. The new Department of The Fence will be responsible for physically keeping out any and all immigrants, especially Hispanics, Muslims and troublemakers. Trump named Matt Koel, head of the National Socialist White People’s Party, as Secretary of The Fence. In addition, Trump created the Department of Negotiation, which will have responsibility for reducing the national debt, primarily by lowering Treasury bonds to junk status and stiffing creditor nations. Trump named his son, Donald Trump Jr., as Secretary of Negotiation. “We can’t make America great again by just doing the same-old, same-old,” said Trump in announcing the new departments. “We have to take some initiative, and these are just two of the changes I plan to make the minute I step into the Oval Office – which, by the way, isn’t going to be oval for long.”
You can identify a Trump building from miles away by its huge “Trump” sign. Now Donald Trump is planning to put a big one on the White House – when he’s the inhabitant. Trump is so confident he’ll be elected that he’s already placed an order for a 250-foot-long “Trump” sign to be installed on the White House roof. “Now, that’s chutzpah,” said one political analyst.
Not content with a typical campaign video, Presidential candidate Donald Trump announced he has financed a complete theatrical motion picture. “It’s costing a billion dollars,” Trump said in announcing the film. “I’m producing it myself. It’s the most amazing movie ever made. It’s all about me and America. We go to all the best places – Mount Rushmore, the Statue of Liberty, Mount Vernon, my casino – and we’re bringing in all the best people – me, George Washington, Abraham Lincoln – big, big people. You know, it’s amazing what you can do with computers these days. I’ll be renting the best theaters to run my movie 24 hours a day, 7 days a week – and more, if available. Everybody will want to see it, and I mean everybody. We’re going to invite Congress, the Supreme Court, the Queen of England, the Pope, the top, top Hollywood celebrities, everybody. Listen, if this movie doesn’t win all the Oscars, all the awards, I’ll be very, very surprised. When I’m President, I’ll buy all the networks and run this movie forever.”
In a startling development, Presidential hopeful and real estate mogul Donald Trump was discovered to be not a human at all – but a paper mache piñata. “I was doing his makeup for a television appearance,” said makeup artist Maria Terro. “All of a sudden I see that his face is papery, and he’s got this string protruding from his head. When he moved, I could hear little things rattling around inside. Right then I knew he was a piñata.” Election experts were asked whether a piñata could run for President, and responded “Of course. The first one was George Bush 43.”
It’s going to be a long, long campaign season. There are now officially more GOP candidates for President than all previous candidates in all previous elections combined. To date, 11,672 people have declared they’re running for the highest office in the land – and 435 more people are filing every day. Besides Rick Santorum, Jeb Bush, Dr. Ben Carson, Chris Christie, Ted Cruz, Carly Fiorina, Lindsey Graham, Mike Huckabee, Bobby Jindal, George Pataki, Rand Paul, Rick Perry, Marco Rubio and Donald Trump, there’s Skip Andrews, Michael Bickelmeyer, Kerry Bowers, John Dummett, Jr., Oscar the Grouch, Mr. Peanut, Mr. Potato Head, Scruffy the Tugboat, Dr. Denton, Pat the Bunny, Charles Manson, Lumpy Pudding, American Pharoah, Rocky the Flying Squirrel, the entire traveling cast of “Music Man,” the entire Mormon Tabernacle Choir, the entire state legislature of Wyoming, the Springfield, Ohio, Women’s Book Club, and over 11,500 more.
At long last, the American public will get to hear the singing voices of George Bush and Dick Cheney. The former President and Vice President are preparing to star in a new Broadway show called “Sorry ‘Bout That!” “Those two were just sitting around with nothing to do,” said Barbara Bush, the former First Lady. “So I got them to do this show. George has a beautiful singing voice, and I thought why not let everybody hear it? Dick took a little convincing, but he’s on board now.” The new show, with songs like “Who’d’a Thunk It?”, “Oopsy Daisy” and “Gettin’ In and Gettin’ Out” will feature Bush and Cheney singing and dancing through the story of their White House years. The rest of the cast includes James Woods as Saddam Hussein, Bryan Cranston as Alan Greenspan and Neil Patrick Harris as Turd Blossom.
Not long after Bruce Jenner announced that he has become Caitlyn, a Democratic Congressman from California has become the first tran-species member of the House of Representatives – and is running for President. Growing up in Oakland, Fred Presser had looked like a human male, but he said he confided to friends that inside he was a horse. “So I made the switch,” he said in announcing his candidacy. “I took the hormones, I had the injections, I had the surgery and transplants, and now I am a horse. I’m running for President to call attention to the trans-species animals among us. I can run faster than any other candidate, and I think I’ve got a good shot at winning as the first true dark-horse candidate.”
After fifteen minutes of exploratory thinking and research, Texas senator Ted Cruz announced that he will be starring in a new Hollywood action thriller. “Mission Impossible 5: Into the White House” will be in the same vein as the other films in the franchise – unbelievable premise, tons of violence, and crazy plot twists. “I’ll be doing my own stunts, as usual,” said Cruz in announcing his new role. While his role in the film has been set, the script is far from finished. “We’re still looking for plausible plot lines,” said a GOP consultant. “Right now this might seem to be the most out-there fantasy project ever conceived, but with new dark-money legislation from Congress, we just might surprise people.”
Saying “I’ve really got nothing better to do,” Mitt Romney announced that he’s available to run for President in 2016. “I just sit around my houses – I’m not saying how many I have – talk on the phone, and drive Ann crazy,” Romney continued. “Every once in a while I go to a meeting with potential backers, or make my speech, or look at my bank statements, but that’s about it. At least running for President kept me busy. I haven’t really kept up with what’s been going on, but they tell me this guy what’s-his-name – Obama – is now talking about taxing rich people so we’ll become poor like everybody else. Well, nuts with that. Maybe I’ll be President just to keep us one-percenters on top. I’ve already been in talks with my makeup people, my hair people, my tailors, and my fitness instructor, and they all think I can be a great President. So if anybody wants me, I’ll be sitting back by the pool… I’m not saying which one.”
If Russian forces try to take over the Ukraine, President Lincoln stated that he would not hesitate to authorize U.S. military aid. “We cannot, we will not sit idly by while a nation is torn asunder,” said the President as his wife Mary watched. “We will load the fastest sailing ships and send whatever is necessary – muskets, cannons, horses, swords, the latest telegraph equipment – and even military expertise from our own General Grant.” If help from the United States is required, and assuming favorable winds, the ships with weapons and materials should reach in the Ukraine in twenty-four weeks.
World leaders like Vladimir Putin, Bashar Assad and Kim Jung Un as well as Congressional leaders like Mitch McConnell and John Boehner have been confronted by President Obama’s finger-wagging – and have ignored it. Frustrated by his ineffective approach, President Obama has finally decided to consult experts to improve his technique, according to the White House. Threat display experts from the military, business, and even wildlife were called in to give the President guidelines on how and when to wag his finger. “It’s more complicated than it seems,” said a White House spokesman. “It’s not just the finger, it’s the whole facial and body language thing. It’s the attitude, the posture. When finger-wagging is your only solution to serious problems around the world, it pays to be as effective as you can be.”
Former Michigan governor and small businessman Mitt Romney wants to set the record straight. “I never said 47% of the American people don’t take responsibility for their actions,” he claimed. “That’s a misperception. It’s also a misperception that I spoke in public. I never made any speech in any campaign, never was in a debate, and in fact I never ran for President.” When asked why he campaigned around the country then, Romney said “That footage was all faked by the Democrats. I never went anywhere. Ann and I spent the whole year at one of our cottages on a lake somewhere. The public has this idea that I wanted to be President. Well, I didn’t. I was never nominated, never said anything anywhere, never got on a campaign bus or plane, never had a staff, nothing like that.” Then he added, “If I had run, I would have won.” Then Romney was gently guided by nurses back into the facility.
Never one to do the expected, former President Bill Clinton is introducing a new men’s cologne he personally created. Called simply “Bill,” the new cologne reflects the former President’s personality with its mix of classic and funloving scents. “Bill” projects an aura of respectability and gravitas with its unique combination of earthy wood and leather tones with actual White House aromas and hints of money, but features unexpected but playful tones of fine whiskey, flowers, cheeseburgers, candy, private aircraft, European hotels, suntan lotion, and bed linen. “Bill” is one cologne that’s guaranteed to get attention – so when you wear it, be prepared to be in the spotlight.
“Bill” by Bill Clinton, 3.5-oz. cologne, $69.95
Everyone agrees that if Congress lets us go over the Fiscal Cliff, lots of people will get hurt. But so far, Congress is heading straight for it at full speed, and no one seems to be grabbing the wheel. The Fiscal Cliff is located in Utah, so it will take Congress until December 31st to reach it. That doesn’t give us much time to prevent a disaster – but there’s still hope. Here’s the plan. If everyone in the country would actually stand at the top of the Fiscal Cliff, and shout “No-o-o-o!” as Congress approached, someone – perhaps the President – would finally have to grab the wheel and steer the Capitol building away at the last minute, perhaps damaging a few outer columns and plinths as it skidded to a halt, but avoiding complete destruction. It’s a risky plan, but at this point, it’s just about our only hope. Now’s the time to schedule your trip to the Fiscal Cliff, so you can stand there with the rest of us as Congress approaches on December 31st. Bring warm clothing and a bullhorn, so you can be comfortable while you make yourself heard.
If you’ve been wondering about what Mitt Romney stands for, or what his economic plan for America is, or even some examples of his sense of humor, you’re in luck. Now there’s a set of books that puts everything known about Mitt Romney down on paper. Take Mitt Romney’s Plan For Restoring America’s Economy, for example. It’s everything Romney has said about exactly what legislation he’d propose, what specific actions he’d take – his complete agenda. It’s 250 pages of blank paper, perfect for jotting down your own notes, keeping a diary, sketching, or hundreds of other uses. Then there’s The Foreign Policy of Mitt Romney, detailing his experience. It too is 250 blank pages, so you’ve got more room to write and sketch. The Wit and Wisdom of Mitt Romney and The Compassion of Mitt Romney together total another 500 pages of blank paper. Then there’s The Complete Tax Returns of Mitt Romney and The Unwavering Views of Mitt Romney, for more great jotting and doodling. Altogether, the complete Mitt Romney Blank Book Library offers 1,500 gloriously blank pages – not an idea, plan or belief on them, until you add your own!
The complete 6-volume Mitt Romney Blank Book Library, $59.95
He says it at every campaign stop – “I want what you want!” And now, here’s proof. He’s produced a new book all about his agenda – what he believes in, what his core values are, and how those beliefs and values will affect how he will govern the country if he becomes President. It’s called What Mitt Romney Stands For. The unique thing about the book? It’s blank! That’s because Mitt Romney is giving YOU the opportunity to lay out his Presidential agenda! Write your own version of what you’d like Mitt to think, believe and do – what legislation he’ll abolish, what programs he’ll gut, what laws he’ll overturn – and you’ll have a document you can treasure forever. Mitt Romney will be the first President who believes exactly what you do – because it’s in the book! Up to now, no one has known what Mitt stands for, because he seems to be on every side of every issue at some point. It almost seems like he’ll do and say anything to be President! But you know better – and now’s your chance to put it all on paper. Order What Mitt Romney Stands For today – and determine what he stands for yourself!
What Mitt Romney Stands For, 252 blank pp., $29.95
Nobody’s known for carrying more things around with him than Newt Gingrich, the Presidential candidate and luggage designer. Now you can get a complete set of baggage created by Newt himself! With decades of experience stuffing things where no one can see them, Newt is the perfect person to make luggage. Newt designs luggage with space for all sorts of things – multiple relationships, failed ideas, ill-conceived legislation, citations for ethics violations, whatever you need to drag around. Each Newt Gingrich bag is full of hidden compartments not even a customs inspector would find. And even Newt’s baggage has baggage – every piece of Newt’s luggage has its own capacious bag attached to it. A complete set of Newt Gingrich luggage is composed of 458 pieces, enough for any ambitious politician to stow away an entire career. And no two pieces match, so they can’t be traced to you. From small carry-ons to full trunks, the Newt Gingrich luggage collection will enable you to carry your entire life with you, provided you have enough help to deal with it. And from now until November, every set of Gingrich luggage will come with at least one surprise inside – one you never expected in a million years. Order your set of Newt Gingrich luggage today!
458-piece set of Newt Gingrich® luggage, $7,995.95
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