politics

Trump creates two new executive departments – and names their heads!

Donald Trump announces two new Cabinet positions at a press conference.

Donald Trump announces two new Cabinet positions at a press conference.

Apparently so confident that he’ll be the next President, Donald Trump today said he is not satisfied with the government’s 15 existing executive departments, and has created two additional ones. The new Department of The Fence will be responsible for physically keeping out any and all immigrants, especially Hispanics, Muslims and troublemakers. Trump named Matt Koel, head of the National Socialist White People’s Party, as Secretary of The Fence. In addition, Trump created the Department of Negotiation, which will have responsibility for reducing the national debt, primarily by lowering Treasury bonds to junk status and stiffing creditor nations. Trump named his son, Donald Trump Jr., as Secretary of Negotiation. “We can’t make America great again by just doing the same-old, same-old,” said Trump in announcing the new departments. “We have to take some initiative, and these are just two of the changes I plan to make the minute I step into the Oval Office – which, by the way, isn’t going to be oval for long.”

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Friday, May 13th, 2016 Uncategorized No Comments

Donald Trump revealed to be a piñata!

A makeup artist works on Donald Trump before a TV appearance.

A makeup artist works on Donald Trump before a TV appearance.

In a startling development, Presidential hopeful and real estate mogul Donald Trump was discovered to be not a human at all – but a paper mache piñata. “I was doing his makeup for a television appearance,” said makeup artist Maria Terro. “All of a sudden I see that his face is papery, and he’s got this string protruding from his head. When he moved, I could hear little things rattling around inside. Right then I knew he was a piñata.” Election experts were asked whether a piñata could run for President, and responded “Of course. The first one was George Bush 43.”

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Monday, July 13th, 2015 Uncategorized No Comments

Ted Cruz stars in “Mission Impossible 5: Into the White House!”

Texas Senator Ted Cruz will have the starring role in a new Mission Impossible thriller!

Texas Senator Ted Cruz will have the starring role in a new Mission Impossible thriller!

After fifteen minutes of exploratory thinking and research, Texas senator Ted Cruz announced that he will be starring in a new Hollywood action thriller. “Mission Impossible 5: Into the White House” will be in the same vein as the other films in the franchise – unbelievable premise, tons of violence, and crazy plot twists. “I’ll be doing my own stunts, as usual,” said Cruz in announcing his new role. While his role in the film has been set, the script is far from finished. “We’re still looking for plausible plot lines,” said a GOP consultant. “Right now this might seem to be the most out-there fantasy project ever conceived, but with new dark-money legislation from Congress, we just might surprise people.”

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Monday, March 23rd, 2015 Uncategorized No Comments

Koch Brothers buy entire federal government outright!

Charles and David Koch, wealthy financiers who have achieved their goal of owning the U.S. Government.

Charles and David Koch, wealthy financiers who have achieved their goal of owning the U.S. Government.

Saying “We’re just going to cut to the chase,” the trillionaire Koch Brothers announced that they are buying the U.S. federal government – all three branches – plus most government departments including Treasury. The deal, expected to top three trillion dollars plus billions more in stock in Koch Industries, will give the Kochs what they’ve been after for decades – control of the government and all its policies. “We decided to stop buying it piecemeal by purchasing individual senators and representatives,” said David H. Koch. “While effective, that approach was just taking too long. This country needs to be more conservative right now.” The Kochs are expected to appoint new congressmen from the Tea Party and other far right organizations. They also plan to cut costs by eliminating many federal departments like Education, Health and Human Services, and Conservation. “We don’t own the country,” said Charles Koch. “Just the government. People shouldn’t panic.”

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Monday, July 14th, 2014 Uncategorized No Comments

Republican Party adopts new flag!

The new Republican Party flag reflects the new attitude of the party.

The new Republican Party flag reflects the new attitude of the party.

In an attempt to remain relevant to its own members, the Republican Party has designed a new party flag. The new flag features a symbolic snake devouring itself and the motto “Change or Die.” The old design, adopted just four years ago, was a simple field of red with a big “NO” in bold black letters. The new flag was adopted just two weeks after the recent election, having been judged the most relevant message in a contest to design a new flag. The runners-up were “Well, maybe” and “What now?” You can get your own new Republican party flag, suitable for displaying on your desk or in your car, for just $4.95. Order now – before it changes again.

New Republican Party flag, $4.95

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Friday, January 25th, 2013 Uncategorized No Comments

Computerized glasses let you see the world like a Republican!

Watch out! Seeing the world like a Republican could be dangerous!

Puzzled by Republicans’ seeming inability to perceive the world as it actually is, scientists at Glendenning Optical Laboratory analyzed optic nerve acuity of hundreds of Republicans, and created computerized eyeglasses that simulate what a Republican sees as he or she looks around. Put on the GOP Vision™ glasses, and you’ll be amazed what you can see – and can’t see. For example, scan a crowd, and you’ll see only millionaires and a few upper middle class people. If there are any low income or disadvantaged people there, they’ll be completely invisible. Drive down a street, and you’ll see only banks. On the other hand, pass an unemployment office, and you’ll see a long line of people who aren’t actually there! Look at a list of accomplishments of the Obama administration – like the rescue of General Motors and the Health Care bill – and the page will appear to be blank! This Republican optical phenomenon has yet to be understood, but with GOP Vision glasses, you’ll have a glimpse of a frightening alternate reality that many people actually experience in real life. But be warned, wearing GOP Vision glasses for an extended time can be dangerous. The Republican view of the world has so many blind spots, you could be hit by something you didn’t see coming.

GOP Vision computerized glasses, $1,299.

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Tuesday, August 7th, 2012 Uncategorized No Comments

Write your own Mitt Romney agenda!

Here's proof that you and Mitt Romney believe the same things – because you get to write it yourself!

He says it at every campaign stop – “I want what you want!” And now, here’s proof. He’s produced a new book all about his agenda – what he believes in, what his core values are, and how those beliefs and values will affect how he will govern the country if he becomes President. It’s called What Mitt Romney Stands For. The unique thing about the book? It’s blank! That’s because Mitt Romney is giving YOU the opportunity to lay out his Presidential agenda! Write your own version of what you’d like Mitt to think, believe and do – what legislation he’ll abolish, what programs he’ll gut, what laws he’ll overturn – and you’ll have a document you can treasure forever. Mitt Romney will be the first President who believes exactly what you do – because it’s in the book! Up to now, no one has known what Mitt stands for, because he seems to be on every side of every issue at some point. It almost seems like he’ll do and say anything to be President! But you know better – and now’s your chance to put it all on paper. Order What Mitt Romney Stands For today – and determine what he stands for yourself!

What Mitt Romney Stands For, 252 blank pp., $29.95

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Sunday, May 20th, 2012 Uncategorized No Comments

New analgesic numbs your brain from politics!

Numb your brain against all political talk, news, or pictures!

Just in time for the 2012 election season, Squibb Pharmaceutical is releasing a topical analgesic aimed at reducing pain from one particular subject – politics. Simply rub innovative new Politicaine™ on your temples, and it immediately goes to work numbing your brain from any political news, speeches, pontification, videos – anything related to politics. Politicaine works not just in the U.S. but anywhere in the world – anywhere politics is likely to be encountered. Politicaine is based on a new chemical discovery – three proprietary ingredients combine in an unusual way to block information on a very narrow wavelength – the very wavelength used by all politics. After applying Politicaine, you can watch the news on TV or listen on radio, read the newspaper, listen to barbershop talk, or receive robocalls, and your brain will not register any political talk or news whatsoever. Politicaine is a godsend for everyone who is fed up with the constant bickering and political attacks that will only get more frequent as the year goes on.

Politicaine topical analgesic, 1.6-oz tube, $6.99

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Monday, March 12th, 2012 Uncategorized No Comments

Republican? Better learn tightrope walking!

Republicans running for office need to learn not to lean too much either way!

If you’d like a dangerous and exciting hobby – or if you’re considering running for office as a Republican – learn tightrope walking! Tightrope walking is easily mastered with a bit of practice, once you know the basics. It’s always an accomplishment to get from one platform to the next without falling. Tightrope walking is exciting for the ordinary person, but it’s an essential skill that must be mastered for any Republican running for office – and the higher the office, the more skilled you need to be. That’s because you’ve got to learn to balance between the moderate positions of the Republican Party on one side, and the sometimes extreme positions of the Tea Party on the other. Lean too much either way, and you’ll take a big fall. Ordinary tightrope walking is dangerous, but Republican tightrope walking is a life-or-death situation, and could be career-ending. On a tightrope, a Republican mustn’t take any extreme positions if he or she wants to succeed with the general public. And needless to say, tightrope walking takes a certain amount of intelligence to pull off. You can’t just walk out there and lean to one side. So to add a little excitement and danger to your life, take up tightrope walking. If you’re a Republican candidate, it’s a vital skill.

Learn Tightrope Walking for Republicans, 265 pp., $29.95

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Friday, September 2nd, 2011 Uncategorized No Comments

Get a Tea Party litmus test!

One dip and you'll know where the candidate stands!

There are so many Republican political candidates that it’s sometimes hard to tell who’s being influenced by the Tea Party principles – and if so, by how much. After all, if you believe taxes are evil and corporations should be given free rein to do what they want, you want to make sure that anyone you support is a true Tea Party adherent. For some, there’s no question – Michele Bachmann and Ron Paul, for example, drank the tea for years. But for others, like Mitt Romney, it’s harder to figure out. Now there’s an easy way to find out who’s a true Tea Party believer and who isn’t. Just subject them to the Tea Party Litmus Test! The Tea Party Litmus Test is a true test, and it gives immediate results. To find out the Tea Party influence on any particular candidate, simply soak one of their stump speeches in water overnight, then dip a Tea Party Litmus Test strip in the resulting solution. If Tea Party influence is present, the strip will turn red. If the strip turns blue, you’ll know the candidate has liberal tendencies, and may be in favor of additional taxes or corporate regulations. It couldn’t be simpler to find out who to support! Send for your Tea Party Litmus test today – election year is coming up!

Tea Party Litmus Test (12 strips), $29.95

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Wednesday, August 17th, 2011 Uncategorized No Comments

Drive anything into the ditch – with the Tea Party Driving School!

NOW you're on the right track!

If you’re the kind of person who refuses to listen to instruction, common sense or history, now you can make good use of your skills – and get lots of attention at the same time! Sign up with the Tea Party Driving School and find out what it takes to drive everyone to distraction. Once in the driver’s seat and traveling down the road, you’ll learn to yell “We’re going in the wrong direction!” and “We’re going downhill!” We’ll show you how to grab the steering wheel in a death grip and yank it all the way to the right, sending your vehicle hurtling into the ditch and preventing it from ever going in the wrong direction again! Whatever vehicle you’re driving, from an 18-wheeler to an SUV to a bill in Congress or even a simple Federal budget negotiation, with Tea Party Driving School training and your innate stubbornness you’ll be able to drive it so far to the right it’ll never work properly again! Sign up for the Tea Party Driving School today – and send the entire country in the right direction!

Sign up for the Tea Party Driving School here.

Like this? You’ll love the Daily Show!

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Tuesday, July 26th, 2011 Uncategorized No Comments

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