Reacting to ongoing developments at the 2016 Olympic venues in Rio De Janeiro, the U.S. Olympic Committee has issued new uniforms to all American athletes competing in the Games. “We were already worried about the Zika virus,” said an Olympic Committee spokesman. “But with the news that the city of Rio – especially its waterways, beaches and bays – is contaminated with antibiotic-resistant superbugs leads us to provide advanced levels of protection for our athletes. Therefore we are issuing new uniforms to all our participants, whether they compete in water sports or not. These new uniforms are designed to protect athletes from any pathogen they may encounter.”
The newest Olympic sport has already gone awry. In the first-ever Men’s Powered Downhill Bus Jump, Austrian skier Dag Meistergral underestimated the power of his strapped-on rocket jetpack. Roaring down the ski ramp, Meistergral cleared all six buses as he took off, but then also soared over the protective fencing and landed in the crowd of onlookers, injuring six. The event is so new, NBC crews were not even aware of it, and didn’t catch the accident on tape. Olympic organizers were quick to apologize, saying more oversight was needed.
Thanks to a host of potential problems like terrorist attacks, uncompleted hotels, undrinkable water, unready sports venues – even phone hacking – the 2014 Winter Games in Sochi are the first Olympic games to be completely computer generated. Instead of sending their actual Olympic athletes to the Games, the nations of the world are keeping their athletes at home and instead sending animated avatars of them – computer versions of real men and women with the actual capabilities of the athletes stored as computer algorithms. What the world sees on television is the computer generated version of what would happen if the athletes actually competed. You’ll see CGI versions of stadiums, arenas and tracks as if they were real, populated by simulated crowds, judges and athletes. “These CGI versions are incredible,” said a spokesman for a Hollywood production company. “You’ll think the Games are really happening – and the results will be authentic. The athletes whose avatars win will receive actual gold, silver and bronze medals by mail – which will be the only real things from these Olympics. And this is only the beginning – we’re actually starting work on animating the Summer Games now.”
The International Olympic Committee announced that a long-standing ban has been lifted. Starting with the 2016 games, zombie athletes will be allowed to compete. Zombies are well-known to have amazing athletic abilities, but were forbidden to represent their countries in the Olympic Games. Now, thanks to several zombie organizations, the undead can compete against other athletes in any Olympic sport, and can also stay in Olympic Villages with all other athletes.
Ever want to practice your pommel horse routine, but can’t because you’re on a business trip? Problem solved! Now there’s the PortaPommel™, a full-size pommel horse so lightweight you can take it on the road. The PortaPommel comes with its own carrying case, so you can easily check it on your airline flight with your other luggage. At your hotel, you simply set up the PortaPommel, anchor it, and start practicing your leg swings, circles, flairs, scissors, moores and spindles – even flying dismounts. Now you’ll never have to go a day without doing your pommel horse routines.
Once you’re in London for the Olympics, you’ll find it easier to get from venue to venue using public transportation like the London Underground subway system. One of the world’s most sophisticated transport systems, the London Underground is simple to navigate – but you’ll definitely need a map. There are so many routes and stops and lines that a newcomer will be confused if he or she doesn’t have a good, detailed map of the system. Now you can get the most detailed map of the London transportation system ever made – the Complete London Public Transport Map. It not only includes the Underground, but all bus routes and stops, Olympic sports venues, shopping areas, walkways, pedestrian crossings, bicycle lanes, lane directions, one-way streets, stop signs, taxi stops, baby stroller safe walkways, horse-drawn carriage routes, jogging paths, Muslim prayer spots, exercise areas, pickpocket zones, pedestrian traffic flow directions – and more! You’ll never be lost in London with the Complete London Public Transport Map – and you’ll be able to get to all the Olympic sport venues quickly and easily.
Complete London Public Transport Map, $9.95
The 2012 Olympic Games will be held in London with opening ceremonies on July 27th. Athletes from around the world have been practicing their sport for the last four years, so you’d think all team spots from every country are filled. Not so. There are so many new official sports in this year’s Olympics, some teams have not been finalized yet – and there’s a chance you could try out yourself! The US Olympic Committee still needs competitors for several sports: Downhill Table Tennis, Bicycle Hockey, One-handed Archery, Motorized Canoe, Synchronized Bowling, Cross-Country Swimming, and Vertical Volleyball. If you’d like to compete in any of those events, contact the US Olympic Committee. This is a once-in-a-lifetime chance to be on an Olympic sports team and experience the Games as the athletes do.
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