In a stunning announcement, President Trump has doubled down on his claim that the Obama administration tapped his Trump Tower phones during the election. “I know they tapped my phones,” Trump said to reporters. “I saw Obama himself do it. I was heading to the kitchen for leftover bacon when I noticed an open door that led to the phone closet. I looked in and there was Obama wearing all black. He saw me and was so shocked. He switched off his flashlight, grabbed a box of tools and charged past me, pushing me so hard I almost fell down. Two Secret Service men held me back while Obama ran to the elevator. I was so upset I could hardly finish my bacon. If that’s not a Watergate type deal, I don’t know what is. You people should be covering this story, not all the other ruses. Forget your fake news, this is real news.”
In an proactive effort to stop worldwide terrorism, President Obama intends to speak to the terrorists directly. “The President will travel to Syria in two weeks to bring his Stop Terror Now presentation to the only people who can bring an end to the madness – the leaders of the biggest terror groups,” said a White House spokesman. “These leaders are being invited to an auditorium in Damascus to hear the President’s specially-prepared Powerpoint presentation detailing the benefits of stopping terrorism around the world. These are powerful talking points, and the President feels confident that once the terrorists see the truth, and see how they can’t possibly win, they will all agree to go back to living peaceful lives once again.” In an aside, the spokesman said, “Frankly, this is kind of a last ditch effort on the President’s part. If this lecture thing doesn’t work, he doesn’t know what else to do.”
Saying “I’ve really got nothing better to do,” Mitt Romney announced that he’s available to run for President in 2016. “I just sit around my houses – I’m not saying how many I have – talk on the phone, and drive Ann crazy,” Romney continued. “Every once in a while I go to a meeting with potential backers, or make my speech, or look at my bank statements, but that’s about it. At least running for President kept me busy. I haven’t really kept up with what’s been going on, but they tell me this guy what’s-his-name – Obama – is now talking about taxing rich people so we’ll become poor like everybody else. Well, nuts with that. Maybe I’ll be President just to keep us one-percenters on top. I’ve already been in talks with my makeup people, my hair people, my tailors, and my fitness instructor, and they all think I can be a great President. So if anybody wants me, I’ll be sitting back by the pool… I’m not saying which one.”
If Russian forces try to take over the Ukraine, President Lincoln stated that he would not hesitate to authorize U.S. military aid. “We cannot, we will not sit idly by while a nation is torn asunder,” said the President as his wife Mary watched. “We will load the fastest sailing ships and send whatever is necessary – muskets, cannons, horses, swords, the latest telegraph equipment – and even military expertise from our own General Grant.” If help from the United States is required, and assuming favorable winds, the ships with weapons and materials should reach in the Ukraine in twenty-four weeks.
Facing unsolvable crisis after crisis abroad, relentless partisan attacks on Obamacare and other programs, and complete and utter gridlock in Congress, President Obama has accepted Chief Justice John Roberts’ offer to absolve him from his oath of office and simply walk away. “I came to the conclusion that with all the opposition we were getting in Congress, nothing was going to get done until I was gone,” the President said. “Too much time was being wasted on partisan bickering and politics. I felt like I was being held prisoner by the opposition. The country has to get moving again.” Instead of being automatically replaced by Vice President Biden, Obama said a new President would be chosen by members of Congress drawing straws. “That’s the only fair way,” the President continued. “It takes politics completely out of the equation.” After leaving office next week, Obama plans to move his family back to Chicago, where he will join a local law firm specializing in personal injury cases.
The situation in Afghanistan has deteriorated to the point that President Obama has announced he will be withdrawing all U.S. troops within two weeks. Instead of leaving a small force of soldiers to train and support local police, as originally planned, everyone will vacate the premises, but will leave 15,000 specially-made hand puppets to continue the fight against terrorism and corruption. The hand puppets look like U.S. troops, feature authentic uniforms, and hold realistic weapons. The hand puppets are so easy to operate that a member of the Afghan army – or President Hamid Karzai, to whom one was given – or can do it.
If you’re one of the dozens of Americans who still doesn’t know who to vote for, here’s help. The 2012 Election Decision Coin is now available, and will help you make your decision when you enter the voting booth. One side of the coin features President Barack Obama, who brought the country back from the brink of a great depression, saved the American auto industry, created millions of new jobs, passed the Affordable Care Act that provides health care to millions more Americans, pulled the trigger on Osama Bin Laden, and ended the Iraq war. The other side of the 2012 Election Decision coin features President Barack Obama, who brought the country back from the brink of a great depression, saved the American auto industry, created millions of new jobs, passed the Affordable Care Act that provides health care to millions more Americans, pulled the trigger on Osama Bin Laden, and ended the Iraq war. So flip the coin, and either way it lands, you’ll know exactly who to vote for.
2012 Election Decision Coin, $1.95
Puzzled by Republicans’ seeming inability to perceive the world as it actually is, scientists at Glendenning Optical Laboratory analyzed optic nerve acuity of hundreds of Republicans, and created computerized eyeglasses that simulate what a Republican sees as he or she looks around. Put on the GOP Vision™ glasses, and you’ll be amazed what you can see – and can’t see. For example, scan a crowd, and you’ll see only millionaires and a few upper middle class people. If there are any low income or disadvantaged people there, they’ll be completely invisible. Drive down a street, and you’ll see only banks. On the other hand, pass an unemployment office, and you’ll see a long line of people who aren’t actually there! Look at a list of accomplishments of the Obama administration – like the rescue of General Motors and the Health Care bill – and the page will appear to be blank! This Republican optical phenomenon has yet to be understood, but with GOP Vision glasses, you’ll have a glimpse of a frightening alternate reality that many people actually experience in real life. But be warned, wearing GOP Vision glasses for an extended time can be dangerous. The Republican view of the world has so many blind spots, you could be hit by something you didn’t see coming.
GOP Vision computerized glasses, $1,299.
Thanks to federal energy efficiency standards, light bulbs sold after January 1, 2012 must comply with new regulations. Light bulbs must have a reasonable light-per-kilowatt output, which will eliminate the 250-watt, 150-watt, and 100-watt bulbs, plus Newt Gingrich, Ron Paul, Mitt Romney, Barbara Bachmann and most other Republican dim bulbs. What this means for the 2012 Presidential race is unclear, but for now, most of President Obama’s opposition seems to have been legally disqualified. Send for our booklet No Light From Republicans for full details.
No Light From Republicans, 212 pp., $29.95
President Obama’s new American Jobs Act creates $447 billion worth of incentives – tax cuts and job creation assistance – to get Americans back to work. However, at 2,788 pages, the bill itself is so long, no one has actually read it. That means there’s a need for people to read the bill – politicians and news organizations need to know exactly what’s in the new bill, so they can either criticize or praise it. They need people like you to read the bill from start to finish. If you can read and understand English, you can apply to get a job reading the bill. That’ll be one job created by the bill! If you’re blind or otherwise unable to read, you can get someone to read the bill to you. That’ll be two jobs created! Apply today – everyone wants to know what’s in the details of the American Jobs Act!
Apply to read the American Jobs Act here
Congress and the President are trying to hammer out an agreement on raising the national debt ceiling, but they’re getting nowhere. Now you can do the job yourself – with the Official Debt Ceiling Hammer! The Official Debt Ceiling Hammer works on any debt ceiling, from the one in your own home or town to your state capital – all the way up to the National Debt Ceiling! With the Official Debt Ceiling Hammer, you’ll be amazed at how you can quickly and easily hammer out an agreement between any parties – even ones that never say yes to anything! One look at the business end of your Official Debt Ceiling Hammer and they’ll know you understand the consequences of doing nothing – and are determined to do something about it! You’ll find yourself hammering out an agreement and smashing through the old debt ceiling in no time. No one else seems to have an Official Debt Ceiling Hammer – so now’s the time to get your own and get the country back on track!*
Official Debt Ceiling Hammer, $99.95
*Please use your Official Debt Ceiling Hammer responsibly.
Now you don’t have to depend on Congress and the President to kick the can down the road – you can kick it yourself! Why deal with something difficult today, when you can let future generations handle it? Washington has kicked the can down the road for decades, but they may not do it this year. Time to jump into action and kick it yourself! Your official “Kick the Can Down the Road” can is made from sturdy steel, and has withstood being kicked down the road many times before. Handling the can now will only result in painful cuts… so kick it and let other people get cut! Order your official “Kick the Can Down the Road” can today, and start kicking!
Official “Kick the Can Down the Road” Can, $49.95
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