North Korea’s leader-for-life Kim Jong-un doesn’t mess around when it comes to ridding his country of poorly-performing officials. The latest to go was Kim’s uncle Kyong-hui, Minister of Waterways, who was accused of poor management policies leading to collapsed dams. Kim apparently spent weeks thinking of how to execute his uncle, having already dispatched other officials using such methods as hungry wolves, bazookas, mortar fire and speeding locomotives. He finally decided to use the uncle as a target for his country’s latest missile technology, and used a Soviet-built Sukhoi Su-25 Ground Attack aircraft to fire a powerful missile at Uncle Kyong-hui, who was conveniently tied to a gasoline truck for extra insurance.
Keeping with his tradition of killing people in unusual ways, North Korean leader Kim Jong-Un launched his uncle – North Korea’s Minister of Agriculture – from a missile silo aboard the country’s newest submarine. South Korea, Japan and other countries in the area were relieved that no actual missile had been launched, as had been originally feared. “Apparently the North Koreans have a shortage of missiles, or an abundance of poorly-performing Ministers,” joked a member of the Japanese government. “We are not afraid of falling uncles,” he continued. There was no indication of where Kim’s uncle came down.
North Korea, the most reclusive country in the world, finally caught up with the Western superpowers in one respect – uninhibited communication. North Korea’s leader, Kim Jong Un, made the official announcement. “We’re the most glorious f***ing country in the world!” he proclaimed to an shocked but approving crowd assembled in Pyongyang. “We’re proud of our f***ing great accomplishments! We’re proud to be a f***ing pain in the ass to the rest of the world! And now the West better f***ing watch out – because we’re going to start using the same f***ing terms they do!” This new development came about after Kim met with former basketball star Dennis Rodman last week, and spent three days watching the latest Hollywood films.
Capitalizing on the runaway success of the Seth Rogen-James Franco movie “The Interview,” which depicts North Korea’s leader Kim Jong Un in unflattering light, producers on Broadway have turned it into a musical. Not only that, they intend to open the show in North Korea’s capital Pyongyang. “We thought, why not?” said a spokesman for the production. “Let’s go for it. We’ll get all the publicity anybody would ever want.” Rogen and Frankel will not reprise their roles from the movie, since neither can sing. “I don’t want any part of it,” laughed Rogen. “I don’t have a death wish. I’m in enough trouble with the North Koreans as it is.” Songs from the show, including We’ll Look Like Heroes, Dear Leader, You Go First, Pyongyang Ping Pong Party, and Get Us Home, will be previewed on iTunes. No itinerary has been set for the show other than the opening.
Hollywood is nothing if not a competitive town. Seeing how effective North Korea’s hacking attack was in embarrassing Sony Pictures and stopping the release of their film The Interview, other Hollywood studios are aiming to use hacking as a business weapon. Several studios have already contacted the North Korean hackers who attacked Sony and have arranged to have competitive companies given the same treatment. “This is a tough town,” said a representative of one studio. “If a movie is opening on the same weekend as ours, we want to do all we can to disrupt it. Hacking is now another tool in our toolbox. And the North Koreans are the best in the business.”
After his successful meetings with North Korea’s Kim Jung Un, former basketball star Dennis Rodman announced that he has been invited to meet with Russian President Vladimir Putin to help solve the Ukraine crisis. “He just called out of the blue,” said Rodman. “I never heard of the guy. But I’m flying to Russia with a couple basketball buddies to meet him.” According to the U.S. State Department, Rodman doesn’t represent the United States, nor does he have any negotiating power. But a spokesman for the State Department said “At this point, we’re looking to defuse the Ukraine situation by any means possible.” On his way back from Russia, Rodman said he’s also scheduled to meet with Nigeria’s terror group Boko Haram to help free the captured schoolgirls.
In an unprecedented result for any election, North Korea’s leader Kim Jong Un has been approved by 250% of the nation’s voters – which included a turnout of 350% in his home district. According to North Korea’s Central News Agency reported that the policies of their supreme leader were so popular that not only did every living voter approve, but so did those who are unconscious, people who live in other countries, historical figures from Korea’s past, and even mythological beings who look favorably on the Democratic People’s Republic. Kim’s popularity is so great that his was the only name needed on the ballot.
Finally, former basketball player Dennis Rodman’s mysterious trip to North Korea has been explained. An unusual press release from the country’s Ministry of Information has announced that the secretive country has completed a rocket that will land on the planet Mars to celebrate the birthday of Dear Leader Kim Jong Un. To extend the good wishes of The Democratic People’s Republic of Korea to the people of Mars, Kim has appointed his good friend Dennis Rodman as the country’s official ambassador to the Red Planet. “Dennis Rodman has demonstrated his love of the DPRK and our Dear Leader, plus has taken lessons in the Martian language that will enable him to deliver our best wishes to the people of Mars,” according to the press release. There is no information as to when Rodman will leave for Mars, but everyone hopes it will be soon.
Fully demonstrating the difference between itself and the countries around it, North Korea issued warlike threats to South Korea and other nearby nations – by telegraph. “We don’t even have any telegraphs anymore, except in museums,” said a spokesman for South Korea. “That’s why we didn’t notice the threat for three months. A museum curator called to say one of their machines had received a message.” In its telegraphed message, delivered in International Morse Code, North Korea warned its neighbors that they could be attacked at any time, without notice. “We knew that anyway,” said the spokesman. “And if the telegraph is their highest technology, we’ve got nothing to worry about.”
Flying drones that spy from the air are commonplace these days. Now comes word that the National Security Agency has been activating spy drones that stay on land – yet are completely undetectable. That’s because they’re disguised as commonplace objects. The newest robot drone, the X-404, looks like a small, unremarkable building, yet it’s completely mobile. Using a series of hidden wheels, the X-404 autonomously moves from place to place only under the cover of night, finding its way using night vision cameras. The X-404 is designed to monitor all communications over an area of 20 square miles – cell phone calls, emails, high-frequency government communications, all radio and TV frequencies, and even normal conversations. It then transmits all that information to an overhead satellite. Four X-404 robot drones are rumored to be active in Iran, and three in North Korea.
Not wanting to be left out of the world leader competition to write major newspaper op-eds – like President Obama, Vladimir Putin, Iran’s Hassan Rouhani – North Korea’s President Kim Jong-Un jumped in and contributed his own. However, his opinion piece – about basketball strategy – was rejected by every major paper including the New York Times, Washington Post, Chicago Tribune, Los Angeles Times, Louisville Courier, Boston Globe, Dixie Notch Express, Happy Meal Times, and National Enquirer. The only paper that would accept Kim’s piece was the Trojan, the 4-page school paper for New York Public School 49. “We thought it showed good grammar,” said the editor of the Trojan. “Plus kids are really into basketball, so it was a good subject. Nobody knew who Kim Jong-Un is, so it was an opportunity to teach the kids a little geography.”
The North Korean auto industry is still in its infancy, but now has its own auto show. The Pyongyang Auto Show is being held in the People’s Hall in the North Korean capital to showcase the latest cars from the country’s two auto manufacturers. North Korean president Kim Jong-Un is expected to appear at the show, since his family owns both companies. It is unclear if any auto models will be introduced at the show, but speculation centers around the Bright Star sedan from Guongan Industries. As usual, no foreigners will be allowed in the country, much less the auto show.
Now the reason North Korea is talking about shooting off missiles becomes clear – they’re using threats as a distraction from their real activity: building a base on the moon. While the world thinks North Korea is simply testing long-range missiles, the reclusive country is far more advanced than everyone thought, and is secretly sending up astronauts and supplies to the moon. This activity has been going on for two years, and the North Koreans have established a base on the moon with twelve permanent residents. The North Korean moon base could be used for many purposes – to build a military presence and threaten the entire Earth, to set up a mining facility and bring back minerals, or to establish a colony and eventually move everyone in North Korea to the moon. In which case the rest of the world won’t notice any difference.
In an unusual display of international friendship, ex-basketball star Dennis Rodman and North Korea’s leader Kim Jong-Un – “friends for life” – announced that they had taken a secret vacation together. Slipping unannounced into the United States, Kim met Rodman in Las Vegas, where they played poker, attended strip clubs, and “bombed around in my Lamborghini,” according to Rodman. For three days, the two friends went fly-fishing in the Colorado River, shot hoops at a basketball court in Reno, and went to a dance club where Rodman showed Kim a few breakdancing moves. After showing him how to do jello shots, Rodman talked Kim into getting a small tattoo and ear piercing as proof of their lifetime friendship. Kim left for North Korea with a custom souvenir T-shirt with a picture of the two friends and the slogan “Best Buds,” promising to do what he could to free any imprisoned Americans.
Amidst all the military threats and posturing by North Korea’s Kim Jung-Un this week, experts have been examining the communist country’s precise capabilities to inflict harm on its neighbors – or even the United States. The answer: even though their most long range missile, the Taepodong-2, can only reach Guam, nowhere near the U.S. mainland, the wily North Koreans have determined how to use the West’s own technology to help them wage war across the globe. The People’s Army has packed twenty Taepodong-2 missiles and automatic launchers inside huge wooden boxes, and marked them as construction equipment. The cleverly-conceived plan involves calling world-wide delivery service FedEx, having the boxes picked up in Pyongyang and delivered to outlying areas in Mexico and Canada overnight. There, remote-control signals from North Korea will activate the missiles, which will rise from the boxes and launch themselves into the United States.
In a shocking discovery, scientists examining recent photos from North Korea have announced the reason that North Korean military hats are so large – each one is actually hiding a sophisticated nuclear centrifuge. Utilizing a completely new enrichment technology, the hats could be the reasons no one from the West has ever found North Korea’s nuclear facilities. In order to make nuclear weapons, uranium must be enriched in centrifuges, which normally occupy huge buildings which can be spotted by orbiting satellites, as is the case with Iran. But North Korean scientists have apparently found a way to distribute the centrifuge operations among thousands of tiny devices located in military hats. Each hat may be capable of processing several grams of uranium 235 per month. If true, this process could explain the North Korea military’s odd threats in recent weeks – their brains have been affected by radiation.
Troubled Carnival Cruise Lines announced today that it is going out of business – and selling its fleet of mechanically-challenged cruise ships to North Korea. The repressive Asian country had planned to build a series of new prisons for its citizens, but when the country’s leader, Kim Jung-Un, heard about the conditions aboard Carnival’s ships like the Carnival Triumph – lack of power and toilet facilities – he gave the go-ahead to purchase Carnival’s ships. The latest mechanical failures aboard the Carnival Dream and Carnival Legend only intensified North Korea’s desire for the ships. “With only minor modifications, these huge ships will make perfect prisons,” a North Korean spokesman said in a statement. “They have no toilets, no power, little food, tiny rooms, and are escape-proof.” North Korea expects to save billions of dollars on prison construction with its purchase of all 24 Carnival ships, which in total have room for 96,000 prisoners.
For the first time in world history, an entire country has been hospitalized to prevent it from hurting its neighbors – or itself. All 24,451,285 people of North Korea were placed in hospitals, thanks to the intervention of South Korea and Japan. Citing the country’s increasing irrational behavior, bizarre threats, human rights violations – and considering its possession of weapons of mass destruction – South Korea and Japan said they were forced to act now to prevent a tragedy from occurring. North Korea’s population – including their leader, Kim Jung-Un – will begin receiving treatment for aggressive behavior and delusional thinking, and could be out in a year or two, depending on their progress. Nearby countries Russia and China expressed relief that the unstable situation had been so well handled. With North Korea in the hospital, its dangerous weapons can be removed and the country can be cleaned up and sanitized. “Anyone with a dangerously crazy neighbor would have done the same thing,” South Korea’s president, Park Geun-Hye, said in a statement.
In a completely unexpected development, two rogue nations on opposite sides of the world have joined forces. Iran announced that it is joining with North Korea to become one country to be called “Koran.” Everything about the countries will be combined – their economic systems, social programs and military capabilities. When Kim Jung-Un, Dear Leader of North Korea, was asked why the name “Koran” was chosen when North Korea is Buddhist and Confucianist, not Islamist, he replied that he agreed to the name because the very word “Koran” strikes fear into the hearts of Westerners. With its new combination of resources, the new country is expected to accelerate its nuclear program as well as continue its intercontinental missile research. The Supreme Leader of Iran, Sayyid Ai Khameni, said that he is extremely pleased with the new arrangement. “Now we have the West surrounded,” he proclaimed in a televised speech. “Now it is only a matter of time until these decadent countries collapse.”
In an amazing leap of imagination, North Korean cellphone maker Ponghwa Revolutionary Industries has created a cellphone called the Kimilsung that never needs to be recharged. That’s because it has no batteries – it derives its power from a miniature diesel engine inside the phone. The new Kimilsung can be operated in temperatures down to 40 below zero, when batteries simply give up. To start the phone, you open the choke, pull the cord until the engine starts, then adjust the choke until the phone runs smoothly. While the engine does make a bit of noise during calls, you can easily raise your voice to be completely understood. The Kimilsung operates on a proprietary closed communication band and will not be available to Korean citizens, but was designed to be utilized by the Korean People’s Army in the mountain areas of the country. It will also be exported to other countries to compete on the world phone market and demonstrate the superiority and originality of North Korean technology. If your cellphone batteries are always running down, or if you work in places like Antarctica, check out the new Kimilsung phone.