Former House Speaker Newt Gingrich says that in order to find out who in this country are Muslims, and liable to be terrorists, it’s not necessary to ask them if they believe in Islamic Shariah law. After all, that would be against the Constitution, and it would be too easy for a Muslim to say “No.” Instead, he proposes that we ask each person to draw their idea of what Mohammad looks like. “It’s a simple test,” says Gingrich. “Non-Muslims could draw their own image of Mohammad, even if it’s just a stick figure.But since it’s forbidden for Muslims to create any image of Mohammad, they would refuse. Presto – you’ve got a Muslim. Just trot him out to a bus and deport him on the spot. It’s a foolproof idea.”
Nobody’s known for carrying more things around with him than Newt Gingrich, the Presidential candidate and luggage designer. Now you can get a complete set of baggage created by Newt himself! With decades of experience stuffing things where no one can see them, Newt is the perfect person to make luggage. Newt designs luggage with space for all sorts of things – multiple relationships, failed ideas, ill-conceived legislation, citations for ethics violations, whatever you need to drag around. Each Newt Gingrich bag is full of hidden compartments not even a customs inspector would find. And even Newt’s baggage has baggage – every piece of Newt’s luggage has its own capacious bag attached to it. A complete set of Newt Gingrich luggage is composed of 458 pieces, enough for any ambitious politician to stow away an entire career. And no two pieces match, so they can’t be traced to you. From small carry-ons to full trunks, the Newt Gingrich luggage collection will enable you to carry your entire life with you, provided you have enough help to deal with it. And from now until November, every set of Gingrich luggage will come with at least one surprise inside – one you never expected in a million years. Order your set of Newt Gingrich luggage today!
458-piece set of Newt Gingrich® luggage, $7,995.95
Now you don’t have to drink the Kool-Aid out of plastic cups! Announcing the Official Tea Party Tea Set, the only way to gulp what the Tea Party is serving up. The Official Tea Party Tea Set is decorated with elegant original photo illustrations of the most famous tea party – the teapot features Michele Bachmann as Alice in Wonderland, Sarah Palin as the Cheshire Cat, Rick Santorum and Jon Huntsman as Tweedle-Dum and Tweedle-Dee, and Ron Paul as the March Hare. The teacups feature Newt Gingrich as the Mad Hatter, Tim Pawlenty as the sleepy Dormouse, and Herman Cain as the Blue Caterpillar. The sugar and cream containers feature Scott Brown as the Mock Turtle and Christine O’Donnell as the Dodo. The Official Tea Party Tea Set makes the perfect gift for your friends who will swallow anything!
Official Tea Party Tea Set, $129.95
Like this? You’ll love the Onion!
Here’s the most exciting, unpredictable game in years! The Newt Gingrich Shoot Your Mouth Off game is perfect for any party – even independent! There’s a Newt Gingrich head complete with a wind-up mouth and twelve colored pellets. Players set up targets in a circle around the head… Medicare, Social Security, the Media, Paul Ryan, Democrats, Republicans, President Obama, Congress, Newt’s foot, Mitt Romney, Newt’s former wives, the Constitution and more, each with varying points. Each player in turn winds up Newt’s mouth. Newt’s head vibrates and starts to wobble uncontrollably. At unpredictable intervals, his mouth shoots off a pellet. When a target is hit, that player scores those points. There’s no telling when Newt will shoot, what or who will go down, or even if he’ll hit any target at all! It’s a completely bizarre experience for all involved. Play now – Newt’s in the game!
The Newt Gingrich Shoot Your Mouth Off game, $59.95