mideast

Citizens in Mideast form own army, strike back in major offensive!

Ordinary citizens from across the Mideast have formed their own army, complete with captured weapons.

Ordinary citizens from across the Mideast have formed their own army, complete with captured weapons.

Tired of being the first to die in Mideast conflicts like Yemen, Syria, Nigeria and Afghanistan, citizens across the region have united to form their own military forces to protect themselves. “We have seized the initiative and have armed ourselves with weapons taken from local battlefields,” said a spokesman for the Citizens’ United Forces. “Our soldiers consist of ordinary shopkeepers, farmers, housewives and schoolchildren from a dozen countries who are tired of being victimized by the military. Our first operation has begun – to attack Boko Haram forces in Nigeria with artillery, rocket-propelled grenades and even aircraft. Once this vicious group has been eliminated, we will move on to Yemen and Syria.” The U.S. State Department applauded the action by the local citizens and will supply them with additional weapons, including cruise missiles and laser-guided bombs.

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Sunday, March 29th, 2015 Uncategorized No Comments

Rudy Giuliani to replace Iraq’s Al-Maliki!

New York's Rudy Giuliani will secretly take over for Iraq's Al-Maliki and help the country become our 51st state.

New York’s Rudy Giuliani will secretly take over for Iraq’s Al-Maliki and help the country become our 51st state.

New details have emerged in President Obama’s plan to make Iraq our 51st state and end the conflict using state troopers. Iraq’s Prime Minister Nouri Al-Maliki, hand-picked by the United States to be Iraq’s leader, will secretly be replaced by former New York mayor Rudy Giuliani. Giuliani, who looks strikingly similar to Al-Maliki, will impersonate the Prime Minister, and steer Iraq towards voting to become America’s 51st state. Giuliani is learning the Farsi language and growing Al-Maliki’s trademark stubble, which will make him a dead ringer for the Iraqi leader. Al-Maliki himself will be flown to the United States and given a job overseeing a fast-food restaurant. When Iraq joins the Union as state, Giuliani will be appointed governor and again be able to run for President.

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Saturday, June 28th, 2014 Uncategorized No Comments

Dubai buys Buckingham Palace – will take it home!

London's royal Buckingham Palace will be transported to the mideast country of Dubai.

London’s royal Buckingham Palace will be transported to the mideast country of Dubai.

In another display of over-the-top ostentation – like the world’s tallest building, the world’s only indoor ski mountain, the huge artificial islands shaped like the world’s continents – the oil-rich country of Dubai has purchased England’s royal Buckingham Palace for four billion dollars. Dubai plans to disassemble the palace and transport it home, where it will be reassembled and used as a tourist hotel. “While we are obviously attached to the royal palace, we felt it was a good deal,” said a spokesman for the Queen, who lives in the palace when she is in London. “The Royal Family has other places to live, such as Kensington, and will be able to use the money to refurbish their other properties.” For their part, the government of Dubai said purchasing the Palace was cheaper than building a big hotel from scratch, and will automatically be another of the country’s amazing tourist attractions.. The project is expected to take three years.

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Saturday, June 21st, 2014 Uncategorized No Comments

Navy SEALS to use monster trucks to kill terrorists!

The Navy SEALS new anti-terrorist weapon of choice – the deadly monster truck.

The Navy SEALS new anti-terrorist weapon of choice – the deadly monster truck.

Investigators revealed that Navy SEALS – the elite assassination team fielded by the Navy – has dropped its time-consuming and difficult tactic of parachuting at night and hiding before shooting known terrorists abroad. Instead, the expert squad will now drive monster trucks directly through the streets of Libya, Somalia, Yemen and other terrorist centers, crushing cars and plowing through crowds. “Monster trucks have proven to be an effective attack weapon,” said a source close to for the SEALS. “They are unstoppable, they are deadly – and they can be dropped by helicopter quickly anywhere in the world.” Navy SEAL leaders reason that there are bound to be terrorists hiding in any group of people in the Mideast, so driving recklessly through any town will mow down dozens. “We can identify people later,” said the source.

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Monday, October 7th, 2013 Uncategorized No Comments

The new face of tourism in Yemen – Yemeni Cricket!

Cute, cuddly Yemeni Cricket will try to attract tourists to the country of Yemen.

Cute, cuddly Yemeni Cricket will try to attract tourists to the country of Yemen.

In an attempt to attract more tourists to their country – despite its being a hotbed of terrorism – the government of Yemen is introducing a multi-million-dollar tourism promotion. Consisting of international television commercials, brochures and a comprehensive web site, the new campaign is built around a cuddly character called Yemeni Cricket. Yemeni Cricket will be seen in front of famous tourist attractions in Yemen, urging people to experience all that Yemen has to offer – a welcoming culture, beautiful historic sites, exotic food, exciting everyday life, and an excellent hospital system. It remains to be seen if Yemeni Cricket will have any effect on tourism to Yemen, given the total ban on visiting the country by most western nations.

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Thursday, August 8th, 2013 Uncategorized No Comments

Newest weapon in war on terror – the water blimp drone!

The Army's newest innovative weapon involves no explosives at all.

The Army’s newest innovative weapon involves no explosives at all.

Reacting to worldwide condemnation of its explosive drone attacks in the Mideast, the U.S. is introducing a completely new weapon that promises to be much less controversial. The new Water Blimp Drone is based not on explosives, but on a common child’s toy – the water balloon. Released by an aircraft, the Water Blimp Drone soars high into the sky and uses sophisticated cameras and sensing equipment to search for enemy activity. When a suitable target is located, the pilot of the drone – often located hundreds of miles away and controlling the drone by remote control – causes the Water Blimp Drone to dive straight down at speeds approaching 200 miles an hour. When the drone hits the ground, its load of half a ton of water splashes the target and scatters enemies and equipment, soaking them and making materials such as manuals and electronics unusable until they can be laboriously dried out. “The Water Blimp Drone will cause the enemy to waste incredible amounts of time straightening up, gathering materials and drying things out,” said an Army spokesman. “They’re just going to be really, really wet for a long time.”

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Tuesday, August 6th, 2013 Uncategorized No Comments

Halliburton gets contract to air-condition entire Middle East!

When the Middle East is completely air-conditioned, people will stay inside, reducing the possibility of scenes like this.

When the Middle East is completely air-conditioned, people will stay inside, reducing the possibility of scenes like this.

In an unprecedented attempt to bring peace to the volatile Middle East once and for all, U.S. State Department officials have approved a plan to air-condition the entire area. The new plan, called Operation Cool-Down, will literally cool off the boiling hot countries of Syria, Iran, Iraq, Egypt, Israel, Saudi Arabia, Turkey, Yemen, Kuwait, Lebanon, Qatar and Libya. Making these countries more comfortable to live in will encourage people to stay inside, causing tempers to cool down and reducing the threat of violence and animosity. The immense project will be coordinated by the U.S. Army, and its first contract has been given to Halliburton, a company with experience in arranging massive amounts of materials. Air-conditioning an area tens of thousands of square miles in size – especially one like the Middle East where temperatures can reach 110 degrees – will require the building of thousands of extremely large generators, the laying of millions of miles of ductwork, and the creation of incredibly complex new logistical systems. Operation Cool-Down is expected to take thirty-five years and cost sixteen trillion dollars, but the end result will be worth it when the cycle of unrest, violence, turbulence, discomfort and general ill will is broken, according to State Department officials. Ramping up for the historic project, Halliburton is asking for anyone with any HVAC experience to apply for a position.

www.halliburton.com/operationcooldown

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Sunday, January 27th, 2013 Uncategorized No Comments

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