Keeping with his tradition of killing people in unusual ways, North Korean leader Kim Jong-Un launched his uncle – North Korea’s Minister of Agriculture – from a missile silo aboard the country’s newest submarine. South Korea, Japan and other countries in the area were relieved that no actual missile had been launched, as had been originally feared. “Apparently the North Koreans have a shortage of missiles, or an abundance of poorly-performing Ministers,” joked a member of the Japanese government. “We are not afraid of falling uncles,” he continued. There was no indication of where Kim’s uncle came down.
Capitalizing on the runaway success of the Seth Rogen-James Franco movie “The Interview,” which depicts North Korea’s leader Kim Jong Un in unflattering light, producers on Broadway have turned it into a musical. Not only that, they intend to open the show in North Korea’s capital Pyongyang. “We thought, why not?” said a spokesman for the production. “Let’s go for it. We’ll get all the publicity anybody would ever want.” Rogen and Frankel will not reprise their roles from the movie, since neither can sing. “I don’t want any part of it,” laughed Rogen. “I don’t have a death wish. I’m in enough trouble with the North Koreans as it is.” Songs from the show, including We’ll Look Like Heroes, Dear Leader, You Go First, Pyongyang Ping Pong Party, and Get Us Home, will be previewed on iTunes. No itinerary has been set for the show other than the opening.
After his successful meetings with North Korea’s Kim Jung Un, former basketball star Dennis Rodman announced that he has been invited to meet with Russian President Vladimir Putin to help solve the Ukraine crisis. “He just called out of the blue,” said Rodman. “I never heard of the guy. But I’m flying to Russia with a couple basketball buddies to meet him.” According to the U.S. State Department, Rodman doesn’t represent the United States, nor does he have any negotiating power. But a spokesman for the State Department said “At this point, we’re looking to defuse the Ukraine situation by any means possible.” On his way back from Russia, Rodman said he’s also scheduled to meet with Nigeria’s terror group Boko Haram to help free the captured schoolgirls.
The North Korean auto industry is still in its infancy, but now has its own auto show. The Pyongyang Auto Show is being held in the People’s Hall in the North Korean capital to showcase the latest cars from the country’s two auto manufacturers. North Korean president Kim Jong-Un is expected to appear at the show, since his family owns both companies. It is unclear if any auto models will be introduced at the show, but speculation centers around the Bright Star sedan from Guongan Industries. As usual, no foreigners will be allowed in the country, much less the auto show.
Troubled Carnival Cruise Lines announced today that it is going out of business – and selling its fleet of mechanically-challenged cruise ships to North Korea. The repressive Asian country had planned to build a series of new prisons for its citizens, but when the country’s leader, Kim Jung-Un, heard about the conditions aboard Carnival’s ships like the Carnival Triumph – lack of power and toilet facilities – he gave the go-ahead to purchase Carnival’s ships. The latest mechanical failures aboard the Carnival Dream and Carnival Legend only intensified North Korea’s desire for the ships. “With only minor modifications, these huge ships will make perfect prisons,” a North Korean spokesman said in a statement. “They have no toilets, no power, little food, tiny rooms, and are escape-proof.” North Korea expects to save billions of dollars on prison construction with its purchase of all 24 Carnival ships, which in total have room for 96,000 prisoners.
For the first time in world history, an entire country has been hospitalized to prevent it from hurting its neighbors – or itself. All 24,451,285 people of North Korea were placed in hospitals, thanks to the intervention of South Korea and Japan. Citing the country’s increasing irrational behavior, bizarre threats, human rights violations – and considering its possession of weapons of mass destruction – South Korea and Japan said they were forced to act now to prevent a tragedy from occurring. North Korea’s population – including their leader, Kim Jung-Un – will begin receiving treatment for aggressive behavior and delusional thinking, and could be out in a year or two, depending on their progress. Nearby countries Russia and China expressed relief that the unstable situation had been so well handled. With North Korea in the hospital, its dangerous weapons can be removed and the country can be cleaned up and sanitized. “Anyone with a dangerously crazy neighbor would have done the same thing,” South Korea’s president, Park Geun-Hye, said in a statement.
In a completely unexpected development, two rogue nations on opposite sides of the world have joined forces. Iran announced that it is joining with North Korea to become one country to be called “Koran.” Everything about the countries will be combined – their economic systems, social programs and military capabilities. When Kim Jung-Un, Dear Leader of North Korea, was asked why the name “Koran” was chosen when North Korea is Buddhist and Confucianist, not Islamist, he replied that he agreed to the name because the very word “Koran” strikes fear into the hearts of Westerners. With its new combination of resources, the new country is expected to accelerate its nuclear program as well as continue its intercontinental missile research. The Supreme Leader of Iran, Sayyid Ai Khameni, said that he is extremely pleased with the new arrangement. “Now we have the West surrounded,” he proclaimed in a televised speech. “Now it is only a matter of time until these decadent countries collapse.”
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