kim jong un
North Korea’s leader-for-life Kim Jong-un doesn’t mess around when it comes to ridding his country of poorly-performing officials. The latest to go was Kim’s uncle Kyong-hui, Minister of Waterways, who was accused of poor management policies leading to collapsed dams. Kim apparently spent weeks thinking of how to execute his uncle, having already dispatched other officials using such methods as hungry wolves, bazookas, mortar fire and speeding locomotives. He finally decided to use the uncle as a target for his country’s latest missile technology, and used a Soviet-built Sukhoi Su-25 Ground Attack aircraft to fire a powerful missile at Uncle Kyong-hui, who was conveniently tied to a gasoline truck for extra insurance.
Keeping with his tradition of killing people in unusual ways, North Korean leader Kim Jong-Un launched his uncle – North Korea’s Minister of Agriculture – from a missile silo aboard the country’s newest submarine. South Korea, Japan and other countries in the area were relieved that no actual missile had been launched, as had been originally feared. “Apparently the North Koreans have a shortage of missiles, or an abundance of poorly-performing Ministers,” joked a member of the Japanese government. “We are not afraid of falling uncles,” he continued. There was no indication of where Kim’s uncle came down.
North Korea, the most reclusive country in the world, finally caught up with the Western superpowers in one respect – uninhibited communication. North Korea’s leader, Kim Jong Un, made the official announcement. “We’re the most glorious f***ing country in the world!” he proclaimed to an shocked but approving crowd assembled in Pyongyang. “We’re proud of our f***ing great accomplishments! We’re proud to be a f***ing pain in the ass to the rest of the world! And now the West better f***ing watch out – because we’re going to start using the same f***ing terms they do!” This new development came about after Kim met with former basketball star Dennis Rodman last week, and spent three days watching the latest Hollywood films.
Capitalizing on the runaway success of the Seth Rogen-James Franco movie “The Interview,” which depicts North Korea’s leader Kim Jong Un in unflattering light, producers on Broadway have turned it into a musical. Not only that, they intend to open the show in North Korea’s capital Pyongyang. “We thought, why not?” said a spokesman for the production. “Let’s go for it. We’ll get all the publicity anybody would ever want.” Rogen and Frankel will not reprise their roles from the movie, since neither can sing. “I don’t want any part of it,” laughed Rogen. “I don’t have a death wish. I’m in enough trouble with the North Koreans as it is.” Songs from the show, including We’ll Look Like Heroes, Dear Leader, You Go First, Pyongyang Ping Pong Party, and Get Us Home, will be previewed on iTunes. No itinerary has been set for the show other than the opening.
In an unprecedented result for any election, North Korea’s leader Kim Jong Un has been approved by 250% of the nation’s voters – which included a turnout of 350% in his home district. According to North Korea’s Central News Agency reported that the policies of their supreme leader were so popular that not only did every living voter approve, but so did those who are unconscious, people who live in other countries, historical figures from Korea’s past, and even mythological beings who look favorably on the Democratic People’s Republic. Kim’s popularity is so great that his was the only name needed on the ballot.
Finally, former basketball player Dennis Rodman’s mysterious trip to North Korea has been explained. An unusual press release from the country’s Ministry of Information has announced that the secretive country has completed a rocket that will land on the planet Mars to celebrate the birthday of Dear Leader Kim Jong Un. To extend the good wishes of The Democratic People’s Republic of Korea to the people of Mars, Kim has appointed his good friend Dennis Rodman as the country’s official ambassador to the Red Planet. “Dennis Rodman has demonstrated his love of the DPRK and our Dear Leader, plus has taken lessons in the Martian language that will enable him to deliver our best wishes to the people of Mars,” according to the press release. There is no information as to when Rodman will leave for Mars, but everyone hopes it will be soon.
Not wanting to be left out of the world leader competition to write major newspaper op-eds – like President Obama, Vladimir Putin, Iran’s Hassan Rouhani – North Korea’s President Kim Jong-Un jumped in and contributed his own. However, his opinion piece – about basketball strategy – was rejected by every major paper including the New York Times, Washington Post, Chicago Tribune, Los Angeles Times, Louisville Courier, Boston Globe, Dixie Notch Express, Happy Meal Times, and National Enquirer. The only paper that would accept Kim’s piece was the Trojan, the 4-page school paper for New York Public School 49. “We thought it showed good grammar,” said the editor of the Trojan. “Plus kids are really into basketball, so it was a good subject. Nobody knew who Kim Jong-Un is, so it was an opportunity to teach the kids a little geography.”
In an unusual display of international friendship, ex-basketball star Dennis Rodman and North Korea’s leader Kim Jong-Un – “friends for life” – announced that they had taken a secret vacation together. Slipping unannounced into the United States, Kim met Rodman in Las Vegas, where they played poker, attended strip clubs, and “bombed around in my Lamborghini,” according to Rodman. For three days, the two friends went fly-fishing in the Colorado River, shot hoops at a basketball court in Reno, and went to a dance club where Rodman showed Kim a few breakdancing moves. After showing him how to do jello shots, Rodman talked Kim into getting a small tattoo and ear piercing as proof of their lifetime friendship. Kim left for North Korea with a custom souvenir T-shirt with a picture of the two friends and the slogan “Best Buds,” promising to do what he could to free any imprisoned Americans.
Even though North Korea’s launch of the Unha-3 missile failed, their government has put more pressure on the country’s manned spacecraft program. Nearing completion, their unique spacecraft, the Pyongyang-1, combines peaceful scientific experiments with a nuclear bomb dropping test. Once and for all, the North Korean government will prove to a skeptical world that their rocket science is superior to that of the United States or any other Western country, such as Spain. While North Korea has its choice of qualified “astronauts” – their dear leader Kim Jong Un has the power to force anyone to get in the capsule – every person chosen so far has refused and been liquidated. Thus the North Korean government is appealing to the rest of the world for someone willing to gain the glory of being North Korea’s first astronaut. No experience is needed, as the Pyongyang-1 satellite is completely automated, except for the actuation of the nuclear-bomb mechanism over the test area. If you’d like to be a hero in North Korea, gain valuable space travel experience, and be richly rewarded for your efforts, apply to the North Korean embassy today.
For decades, North Korea has been hidden from the rest of the world behind a curtain created by its “Dear Leader” Kim Jong Il. No scientific advancements of any kind have been announced from North Korea, leading Western analysts to conclude that the country was making absolutely no progress at all – other than possibly attempting to develop nuclear weapons. Now upon the death of Kim Jong Il comes news of incredible interest. Jong Il’s son, Kim Jong Un, a twenty-something formerly unknown to the West, has announced an amazing and innovative new consumer product developed by North Korean scientists and engineers. Dubbed the Power Vacuum™, this astounding advance in home care completely does away with brooms, carpet beaters and dust mops forever! The Power Vacuum is operated with electricity, the revolutionary power source just invented by North Korea. Simply turn on the Power Vacuum, and every piece of dust, dirt, filth, grime, unhealthy air and foreign germs will be instantly removed. The revolutionary Power Vacuum is available now and runs on all 440-volt electric systems worldwide. Order your North Korean Power Vacuum today – and kneel before the awesome North Korean electric system.
Power Vacuum™, complete with 2 attachments for cleaning all public life, $499.95