iran

ISIS offers to trade ordinary people for food!

ISIS terrorists are truing to get some response from the West for their ransom demands.

ISIS terrorists are trying to get some response from the West for their ransom demands.

Frustrated with their inability to get huge amounts of ransom money for captured journalists, the terrorists of ISIS are trying a new tack. Instead of western reporters, the terrorists have captured a variety of ordinary people they’ve come across – a vegetable seller, a rug dealer, a librarian, a street sweeper, and two store clerks. “We are offering Western powers a deal,” said an ISIS spokesman. “We want twelve Chicago-style pizzas for the rug dealer, twenty-four buffalo wings for the librarian, and some Dim Sum for the store clerks. We’ll throw in the street sweeper for free. Your choice. You can even mix and match.” So far no response has been issued from the U.S. State Department or any other government entity.

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Thursday, January 29th, 2015 Uncategorized No Comments

Secret spy drone is disguised as a building!

This innocuous building is actually a sophisticated mobile spy drone called the X-404.

This innocuous building is actually a sophisticated mobile spy drone called the X-404.

Flying drones that spy from the air are commonplace these days. Now comes word that the National Security Agency has been activating spy drones that stay on land – yet are completely undetectable. That’s because they’re disguised as commonplace objects. The newest robot drone, the X-404, looks like a small, unremarkable building, yet it’s completely mobile. Using a series of hidden wheels, the X-404 autonomously moves from place to place only under the cover of night, finding its way using night vision cameras. The X-404 is designed to monitor all communications over an area of 20 square miles – cell phone calls, emails, high-frequency government communications, all radio and TV frequencies, and even normal conversations. It then transmits all that information to an overhead satellite. Four X-404 robot drones are rumored to be active in Iran, and three in North Korea.

 

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Sunday, December 8th, 2013 Uncategorized No Comments

Tea Party leaders to be sent to Iran to shut down its government!

Iran's President Rouhani won't be smiling for long, once the Tea Party shuts down his government, too.

Iran’s President Rouhani won’t be smiling for long, once the Tea Party shuts down his government, too.

Finally, the ultra-conservative Tea Party will do something useful. The CIA announced that the Tea Party’s expertise in bringing the U.S. government to a standstill will be used against our enemies, starting with Iran. Leaders of the Tea Party will be sent to Tehran to shut down their government – a job the CIA expects to be accomplished in “two or three months.” The Tea Party, which is even more conservative than the most reactionary Islamic cleric, is expected to use all the techniques they have employed against the U.S. government, namely objecting to the national health care system, objecting to all public spending, and objecting to government in general. The new offensive will distract all Iranians, enabling CIA operatives to dismantle all Iran’s nuclear facilities in record time.

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Wednesday, October 16th, 2013 Uncategorized No Comments

Iran develops nuclear shoe-throwing machine!

A test of Iran's shoe-throwing weapon left the streets of a target city littered with shoes.

A test of Iran’s shoe-throwing weapon left the streets of a target city littered with shoes.

Scientists in Iran have revealed that they are indeed working on a nuclear weapon, and it has been completed. However, the weapon is not a bomb, as had been feared. Instead, the Iranians are using nuclear energy to power a gigantic machine for throwing shoes. “Throwing a shoe at someone is the most insulting thing you can do,” an Iranian cleric claimed. “There is no greater insult in all of Islam.” Thus, the huge machine will be used to insult Iran’s enemies no matter where they are in the world. In fact, being powered by nuclear energy, the machine is capable of heaving shoes as far as 5,000 miles – as many as 100,000 shoes an hour. “When our enemies see a rain of shoes falling on them from the sky, they will realize the true power of Islam and beg for mercy,” said the cleric. The shoe machine as it stands can’t heave shoes as far as the United States, but the Iranian scientists are working on an even more powerful version that will be used to leave the streets of New York covered with shoes.

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Saturday, September 28th, 2013 Uncategorized No Comments

White House sends IRS to gum up Iran’s nuclear reactors!

Iran's nuclear program will be fatally clogged, thanks to specially-developed IRS forms.

Iran’s nuclear program will be fatally clogged, thanks to specially-developed IRS forms.

In a last-ditch effort to close down Iran’s nuclear program, the White House is employing its most dangerous weapon – the Internal Revenue Service. After a sophisticated computer worm called Stuxnet slowed but failed to stop Iran’s nuclear centrifuges, the IRS was called on to develop paperwork that will completely clog any nuclear program and drag it to a complete halt. The IRS’s top form-writers and rule-setters have worked with Israel’s Mossad to translate the resulting stack of lethal forms into Persian, and special IRS agents will travel to Iran to insert the paperwork into that country’s nuclear program. Figuring out the new rules and filling out the confusing forms will cause Iranian scientists to gum up their own nuclear program so badly that it will grind to a halt and could never be restarted.

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Wednesday, May 22nd, 2013 Uncategorized No Comments

North Korea joining with Iran to become “Koran.”

Citizens of North Korea and Iran celebrate the joining of their two countries.

Citizens of North Korea and Iran celebrate the joining of their two countries.

In a completely unexpected development, two rogue nations on opposite sides of the world have joined forces. Iran announced that it is joining with North Korea to become one country to be called “Koran.” Everything about the countries will be combined – their economic systems, social programs and military capabilities. When Kim Jung-Un, Dear Leader of North Korea, was asked why the name “Koran” was chosen when North Korea is Buddhist and Confucianist, not Islamist, he replied that he agreed to the name because the very word “Koran” strikes fear into the hearts of Westerners. With its new combination of resources, the new country is expected to accelerate its nuclear program as well as continue its intercontinental missile research. The Supreme Leader of Iran, Sayyid Ai Khameni, said that he is extremely pleased with the new arrangement. “Now we have the West surrounded,” he proclaimed in a televised speech. “Now it is only a matter of time until these decadent countries collapse.”

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Saturday, February 23rd, 2013 Uncategorized No Comments

Iran launches space station for monkeys!

Iran's monkey space station is only 10 feet long, yet will house three monkeys for six months.

Iran’s monkey space station is only 10 feet long, yet will house three monkeys for six months.

Following their spectacular success in launching a monkey into space – duplicating a feat accomplished in 1959 by the U.S. – Iran has announced it has built an entire space station designed for monkeys, and has launched it into orbit, along with three monkey astronauts. The monkey space station, a metal cylinder measuring 10 feet long and 8 feet wide, features air, electricity, and enough bananas and water to feed three monkeys for six months. At that point, another rocket will dock with the space station and provide more supplies. Iran claims the monkeys are highly trained, and will perform complex experiments while in space, mainly involving plutonium production. The monkeys will communicate with Earth using tablet computers equipped with a specially-designed point-and-click operating system based on a Radio Shack TI-99. Eventually, Iran scientists plan to use the monkey space station as a platform to send monkeys to the moon to explore for additional radioactive materials.

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Sunday, February 10th, 2013 Uncategorized No Comments

Halliburton gets contract to air-condition entire Middle East!

When the Middle East is completely air-conditioned, people will stay inside, reducing the possibility of scenes like this.

When the Middle East is completely air-conditioned, people will stay inside, reducing the possibility of scenes like this.

In an unprecedented attempt to bring peace to the volatile Middle East once and for all, U.S. State Department officials have approved a plan to air-condition the entire area. The new plan, called Operation Cool-Down, will literally cool off the boiling hot countries of Syria, Iran, Iraq, Egypt, Israel, Saudi Arabia, Turkey, Yemen, Kuwait, Lebanon, Qatar and Libya. Making these countries more comfortable to live in will encourage people to stay inside, causing tempers to cool down and reducing the threat of violence and animosity. The immense project will be coordinated by the U.S. Army, and its first contract has been given to Halliburton, a company with experience in arranging massive amounts of materials. Air-conditioning an area tens of thousands of square miles in size – especially one like the Middle East where temperatures can reach 110 degrees – will require the building of thousands of extremely large generators, the laying of millions of miles of ductwork, and the creation of incredibly complex new logistical systems. Operation Cool-Down is expected to take thirty-five years and cost sixteen trillion dollars, but the end result will be worth it when the cycle of unrest, violence, turbulence, discomfort and general ill will is broken, according to State Department officials. Ramping up for the historic project, Halliburton is asking for anyone with any HVAC experience to apply for a position.

www.halliburton.com/operationcooldown

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Sunday, January 27th, 2013 Uncategorized No Comments

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