humor

Weather Channel to start hurricane – just to cover it!

Powerful convection machines will be harnessed together in the Atlantic to actually create a storm.

Powerful convection machines will be harnessed together in the Atlantic to actually create a storm.

It’s been mighty quiet on the weather front – and the Weather Channel is panicking. After all, they’ve got dozens of weather reporters with nothing to report, sending their ratings into a downward spiral. As far as hurricanes go, it’s been an uneventful season – the 8th year since the last Category 3 hurricane to make landfall. For that reason, the channel is attempting to start a hurricane itself, using sophisticated technology. Huge convection machines are being set up on an island off the coast of Africa, powered by electric generators onboard three ships. The convection machines are set up to blow air at hundreds of miles an hour in a clockwise direction. If the conditions are right, that will force the atmosphere in the area to rise, adding to the winds and actually starting a storm, which the Weather Channel is hoping will become a hurricane. Once the storm starts, the Weather Channel will finally have something to track, showing satellite images and using sophisticated equipment to estimate where the hoped-for hurricane will head. “Chances are, the hurricane won’t approach the United States, much lass make landfall,” said a source. “But if it does, the Weather Channel stands to gain incredible audience share.”

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Thursday, October 17th, 2013 Uncategorized No Comments

Anthony Weiner to star in “50 Shades of Grey”!

Despite having little acting experience, Anthony Weiner has been chosen to star in a huge Hollywood movie.

Despite having little acting experience, Anthony Weiner has been chosen to star in a huge Hollywood movie.

In a move surprising even for Hollywood, Anthony Weiner, former U.S. representative and mayoral candidate, has been cast as Christian Grey in the upcoming movie production of E.L. James’ erotic novel, “50 Shades of Grey.” Formerly, actor Charlie Humman was to play Grey, but backed out only a few weeks before production was to start. Weiner wrote to the producers and applied for the job, saying he loved the book and identified with the character. He even included a video of himself acting out several scenes from the book. Even though he has little acting experience – except in explaining his peccadillos – Weiner says he’s up for the job. “I’m not quitting politics,” said Weiner in a statement. “I’m just taking a short break for some new experiences, and I’ll be back in the political arena – unless this new venture actually leads somewhere.”

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Tuesday, October 15th, 2013 Uncategorized No Comments

Civilians end government shutdown!

Thanks to passersby who seized control, the government is operating again.

Thanks to passersby who seized control, the government is operating again.

The crippling government shutdown is over safely, thanks to passersby who seized the controls. On Saturday, pedestrians outside the Capitol building – including tourists, nearby office workers and one first responder – became alarmed that not only was government in freefall, but Congress was permanently paralyzed and unable to bring the powerless nation safely down from the heights of stupidity. Fifteen of the passersby rushed into the Capitol and grabbed the controls of government, even though none of them had any experience in operating a nation before. It took forty-five tense, nail-biting minutes, but the huge government was restarted, power was restored just in time to avoid a major catastrophe. “We saw what we had to do and we just did it,” one of the civilians said later.

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Sunday, October 13th, 2013 Uncategorized No Comments

New iPhone is a time travel machine!

The iPhone's competitors are scrambling to duplicate its time travel feature.

The iPhone’s competitors are scrambling to duplicate its time travel feature.

One of the innovative features of the iPhone has been its accelerometer. Since the first iPhone in 2007, the accelerometer lets you change or undo something merely by shaking the phone. For example, you can undo a typing or spreadsheet mistake, replay a song, or undo accidental email deletion by shaking the phone. The operating system of the new iPhone 5s, iOS7, goes even farther – letting you actually travel through time. In Calendar, a shake of the phone will not only undo an entry, it will actually take you back one day – to yesterday! You’ll find yourself exactly where you were 24 hours ago. Shake the phone again, and you’ll go back to the day before yesterday. Keep shaking, and you’ll travel back in time as far as you want to go. Just don’t go back too far, or you won’t have your new iPhone.

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Saturday, October 12th, 2013 Uncategorized No Comments

Researchers discover parallel universe – but there’s no way to reach it!

The parallel Earth is just like ours – with important differences.

The parallel Earth is just like ours – with important differences.

Scientists at the University of Virginia recently proved the existence of a complete universe that parallels ours – but is in many ways our opposite. “We were amazed to find how similar this universe is to ours,” said a scientist. “Yet how different. For example, there’s a parallel Earth, complete with parallel life-forms – even parallel humans. They’re like us, but with unbelievable differences. For one thing, they believe that affordable health care is the worst thing that could happen to them. They’re even willing to shut down their government to prevent it from helping people. Unfortunately, there’s no way to communicate with this parallel universe, so it’s on a path to self-destruction. The only question is when.”

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Friday, October 11th, 2013 Uncategorized No Comments

Man wins Nobel Prize for “Other”!

The prize for the least-known Nobel category, "Other," was awarded yesterday.

The prize for the least-known Nobel category, “Other,” was awarded yesterday.

The Royal Swedish Academy of Sciences has awarded its least-known Nobel Prize to a man from Albuquerque, New Mexico, who doesn’t know what it’s for. Kenneth Alvarez, a retired high school teacher, received the phone call yesterday. “Apparently, besides Chemistry, Physics, Medicine, Literature, Peace, and Economics, there’s a Nobel Prize for ‘Other,’ which I received,” Alvarez said in a statement. “But I didn’t know what I’ve done to deserve it. Their accents were very hard to understand.” Alvarez says he hasn’t done anything special that he knows of. “I fixed up an old car last year, but that can’t be it,” he said. “I guess I’ll have to read the medal when I get it. Maybe that will give me a clue.”

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Wednesday, October 9th, 2013 Uncategorized No Comments

New $100 bill features the number 50!

The new $100 bill features advanced anti-counterfeiting techniques – including misleading numbers.

The new $100 bill features advanced anti-counterfeiting techniques – including misleading numbers.

In its continuing battle against counterfeiters, the U.S. Treasury is introducing a new $100 bill that not only contains advanced technology, but psychological devices as well. The new multi-colored bill, available at banks today, features Benjamin Franklin, a metal-infused anti-copying strip, a tiny RFID computer chip embedded in the paper, silk threads, unreproduceable paper, and ultra-tiny lines that foil photography. But the biggest change is in the corners of the bill – instead of featuring the number 100 as on all previous $100 bills, the new one features the number 50. “This is the ultimate counterfeiting subterfuge,” a Treasury spokesman said. “Even if a person somehow manages to copy the bill exactly, he’ll still get only $50 for it. The Treasury is considering putting misleading amounts on all U.S. currency from this point on.”

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Tuesday, October 8th, 2013 Uncategorized No Comments

Navy SEALS to use monster trucks to kill terrorists!

The Navy SEALS new anti-terrorist weapon of choice – the deadly monster truck.

The Navy SEALS new anti-terrorist weapon of choice – the deadly monster truck.

Investigators revealed that Navy SEALS – the elite assassination team fielded by the Navy – has dropped its time-consuming and difficult tactic of parachuting at night and hiding before shooting known terrorists abroad. Instead, the expert squad will now drive monster trucks directly through the streets of Libya, Somalia, Yemen and other terrorist centers, crushing cars and plowing through crowds. “Monster trucks have proven to be an effective attack weapon,” said a source close to for the SEALS. “They are unstoppable, they are deadly – and they can be dropped by helicopter quickly anywhere in the world.” Navy SEAL leaders reason that there are bound to be terrorists hiding in any group of people in the Mideast, so driving recklessly through any town will mow down dozens. “We can identify people later,” said the source.

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Monday, October 7th, 2013 Uncategorized No Comments

Da Vinci portrait of Bigfoot discovered in bank vault!

Leonardo Da Vinci painted this portrait of Bigfoot, proving the legendary creature did exist at one time.

Leonardo Da Vinci painted this portrait of Bigfoot, proving the legendary creature did exist at one time.

Leonardo Da Vinci, the Italian Renaissance artist, sculptor, musician, and inventor, can add one more accomplishment to his resume – the discoverer of Bigfoot. According to art historians, not only did Da Vinci find the elusive creature in 1489, but painted his portrait. The long-rumored portrait of the long-rumored beast was discovered in a bank vault in Switzerland over the weekend. Authorities checking out the art collection of a recently-deceased millionaire found the painting among hundreds of others, and quickly identified it as the work of Da Vinci. “We’re extremely pleased to find a new Da Vinci – especially one with scientific as well as artistic value,” said a historian. “Now we know both the painting and the creature are real.”

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Sunday, October 6th, 2013 Uncategorized No Comments

GM recalls other companies’ cars!

Dealers of competing cars are jammed with vehicles recalled by GM for no reason.

Dealers of competing cars are jammed with vehicles recalled by GM for no reason.

In a desperate attempt to boost their share of market, General Motors has begun recalling vehicles made by other manufacturers just to keep them off the road. “This is an unfair tactic,” said a spokesman for Toyota, the company most affected by the recall. “GM wants to be the leader of the industry, but they don’t sell enough cars, so they’re resorting to messing with us.” Dealers of competing cars – including Toyota, Nissan, Chrysler, Honda, Hyundai and Ford – are being swamped with vehicles that have been recalled for no reason. A spokesman for GM refused to comment on the allegations. “At the present time, we have the most cars on the road,” he said. “The competition is just jealous.”

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Saturday, October 5th, 2013 Uncategorized No Comments

Desktop iPhone to complete Apple product lineup!

Its 27-inch screen lets the iPhone Desk display dozens of apps.

Its 27-inch screen lets the iPhone Desk display dozens of apps.

Apple now makes powerful desktop computers, laptops, ultra-light laptops, tablets and new iPhones that are basically pocket computers. The only thing missing was a desktop machine that can make phone calls – until now. This morning Apple CEO Tim Cook announced in a special call to investors that the technology company will be introducing the iPhone Desk, the world’s first desktop smartphone. With its 27-inch screen and running the new Apple operating system called Mavericks, the iPhone Desk combines the versatility of an iPhone 5s with the raw power of a Mac Pro 12-core desktop computer, giving it unprecedented capabilities – such as the ability to make 1,200 FaceTime phone calls simultaneously. Cook wouldn’t say when the iPhone Desk would be on the market, but Apple watchers estimate that the device would be ready by Spring.

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Friday, October 4th, 2013 Uncategorized No Comments

Washington, D.C. revealed as giant hologram when power turned off!

Washington, D.C., without its  famous landmarks.

Washington, D.C., without its famous landmarks.

The government shutdown has resulted in a shocking development – all government buildings in Washington, D.C. were nothing but huge 3-D holograms. This was revealed yesterday when the shutdown forced power to the capital to be turned off. “The Capitol Building, White House, Treasury Building – all the major structures we thought were solid – disappeared,” said a reporter for the Washington Post. “Evidently the government has been operating from somewhere else, and no one knows exactly where. Those TV pictures from the White House and Congress apparently were all from studio sets. It’s like the Wizard of Oz, where Dorothy found out it was all smoke and mirrors,” the reporter continued. “Actually, this explains a lot.”

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Wednesday, October 2nd, 2013 Uncategorized No Comments

Roadside trash discovered on Saturn’s moon Titan!

Saturn's largest moon Titan – the only place besides Earth with roadside trash.

Saturn’s largest moon Titan – the only place besides Earth known to have roadside trash.

NASA scientists have revealed that Earth is not the only place with plastic trash. NASA’s Cassini spacecraft, circling near the planet Saturn, has detected the key ingredient of plastic trash – polypropylene – on Titan, Saturn’s largest moon. “Where you find polypropylene, you find food containers, garbage bags, and even car bumpers,” said a NASA spokesman. “We know trash like that is found everywhere on Earth, even in the middle of the ocean. What we don’t know is how that trash got to Titan.” Scientists speculate that the trash was ejected by an earlier spacecraft from Earth, visiting extraterrestrials, or even life on Titan itself. “Trash means civilization,” said the spokesman. “The only other explanation is that roadside trash is spontaneously generated on its own. That would explain why the Earth is covered with it – and why we’ll probably find it everywhere in the universe.”

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Tuesday, October 1st, 2013 Uncategorized No Comments

Scientists turn flesh-eating bacteria into vegetarians!

Scientists have converted flesh-eating bacteria into vegetable-eating bacteria.

Scientists have converted flesh-eating bacteria into vegetable-eating bacteria.

In an amazing accomplishment, scientists at the Centers for Disease Control have actually controlled a disease. In a series of experiments, they’ve managed to convert the dreaded flesh-eating bacteria – an organism called necrotizing fasciitis that eats away at a wound – into benign vegetarians. “These bacteria no longer crave human flesh,” said a spokesman. “They’re perfectly comfortable with some asparagus, corn, peas and maybe a little tossed salad.” One downside of the new development is that the bacteria are now healthier and fitter than ever, and no longer have heart disease and high cholesterol – which means they live longer. But now if you encounter the newly-converted bacteria in a swimming pool or at the gym, at least you can throw them some broccoli and they won’t bother you.

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Monday, September 30th, 2013 Uncategorized No Comments

Humans causing global warming – and must be eliminated!

If humans aren't eliminated from the planet, it could soon look like this, says a United Nations report on climate change.

If humans aren’t eliminated from the planet, it could soon look like this, says a United Nations report on climate change.

A report from the U.N. International Panel on Climate Change claims that scientists are 95% certain that recent damaging changes in Earth’s weather patterns have been caused by humans. They point out that carbon dioxide levels resulting from human activity are the highest they’ve been in 20,000 years, and if not reduced, will result in a dramatic increase in extreme weather, causing hardship for all living things. The solution, says the report, is the elimination of humans from the planet. “Humans are the problem,” said a spokesman for the panel. “It’s clear that they must be removed in order for the planet to heal itself. More and more humans are born each day, and every one of them contributes to the exacerbation of the problem.” The panel does not specify the best way to eliminate humans, leaving that up to the scientists. “Science has plenty of good ways to get rid of humans already – they just haven’t implemented them,” said the spokesman.

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Sunday, September 29th, 2013 Uncategorized No Comments

Iran develops nuclear shoe-throwing machine!

A test of Iran's shoe-throwing weapon left the streets of a target city littered with shoes.

A test of Iran’s shoe-throwing weapon left the streets of a target city littered with shoes.

Scientists in Iran have revealed that they are indeed working on a nuclear weapon, and it has been completed. However, the weapon is not a bomb, as had been feared. Instead, the Iranians are using nuclear energy to power a gigantic machine for throwing shoes. “Throwing a shoe at someone is the most insulting thing you can do,” an Iranian cleric claimed. “There is no greater insult in all of Islam.” Thus, the huge machine will be used to insult Iran’s enemies no matter where they are in the world. In fact, being powered by nuclear energy, the machine is capable of heaving shoes as far as 5,000 miles – as many as 100,000 shoes an hour. “When our enemies see a rain of shoes falling on them from the sky, they will realize the true power of Islam and beg for mercy,” said the cleric. The shoe machine as it stands can’t heave shoes as far as the United States, but the Iranian scientists are working on an even more powerful version that will be used to leave the streets of New York covered with shoes.

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Saturday, September 28th, 2013 Uncategorized No Comments

Bill O’Reilly has acupuncture – and deflates!

Commentator Bill O'Reilly before his acupuncture.

Commentator Bill O’Reilly before his acupuncture.

Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly is today only a shell of his former self, thanks to his decision to undergo acupuncture. The pompous and overbearing O’Reilly apparently forgot that he is a human gasbag, and when the acupuncturist inserted the first needle in his knee, the commentator completely deflated in a matter of seconds. O’Reilly, formerly 6 feet 4 inches tall and weighing 255 pounds, now is 25 inches tall and weighs 12 pounds, including shoes and clothing. Fox News officials plan to reinflate O’Reilly at some point after his contract negotiations.

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Friday, September 27th, 2013 Uncategorized No Comments

Earthquake creates new Mediterranean island – complete with tacky gift shops!

Cruise ships wasted no time in visiting the newly-created island in the Mediterranean.

Cruise ships wasted no time in visiting the newly-created island in the Mediterranean.

A powerful 7.7 earthquake shook the Mediterranean Sea just off Turkey, shifting buildings and rattling windows as far away as Pakistan. The undersea quake was so powerful, it sent up millions of tons of rock above the surface to create a completely new island within just a few minutes. Scientists who visited the new land mass reported that it was a fully-formed Mediterranean island, complete with trees, scenic cliffs, a deep bay with natural docks, and even an area of gift shops filled with merchandise like fake luxury watches. “Now we know how these things develop,” said one scientist. “We used to think these islands developed over thousands of years, but apparently they pop up in an instant.” The unnamed island is only three days old, but already cruise lines are adding it to their itineraries.

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Thursday, September 26th, 2013 Uncategorized No Comments

Sign up for the Halloween Spooky Cruise – on the Costa Concordia!

Imagine staying in a stateroom on the Costa Concordia – before it's been cleaned!

Imagine staying in a stateroom on the Costa Concordia – before it’s been cleaned!

The Costa Concordia – the world’s spookiest cruise ship – is all set for the world’s spookiest cruise… just in time for Halloween. After spending 20 months underwater, the Costa Concordia has been raised and is floating again. But before the right side of the ship – the waterlogged side – is cleaned and repaired, cruise company officials are sending the ship on a cruise designed to appeal to thrill-seekers. When you book a stateroom on the Halloween Spooky Cruise, it’s guaranteed to be damp, dark, cold, messy, and totally scary – because you never know what you’ll find. After all, several former passengers haven’t been accounted for yet. In fact, if there’s one somewhere in your room, you’ll win a prize! The Halloween Spooky Cruise will sail to mystery ports, and guests will go on nighttime excursions to dark castles, ancient graveyards, and wild foreign nightspots. Onboard, you’ll be able to party all night and sleep during the day – if you can. Sign up for the 7-day Halloween Spooky Cruise today – Halloween is just around the corner.

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Wednesday, September 25th, 2013 Uncategorized No Comments

Now – mobile wi-fi!

With the WX1, you can stream HD movies and music without having to find a hotspot.

With the WX1, you can stream HD movies and music without having to find a hotspot.

Want to download apps, upload huge files, listen to iTunes Radio and stream HD movies while on the road – without having to stop and find a hotspot or use cell phone minutes? Until now, you were out of luck. But now there’s the Wi-Fi WX1, the first vehicle dedicated to portable wi-fi. The WX1 features a unique wi-fi antenna that lets you stream music, video, files and documents and speeds up to 100mbs without running up your cell phone bill. The WX1 goes up to 35 mph and gets 9 miles per gallon, but think of all the money you’ll save on phone bills.

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Tuesday, September 24th, 2013 Uncategorized No Comments

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