Thanks to intercession by the Republican National Committee, Donald Trump’s campaign staff includes damage control officers – 153,000 at last count. These damage control officers work the phones and appear on TV interviews, trying to explain Trump’s crazy comments, gaffes, and strange statements. “We’ve had a heck of a time making sense of what he says,” said a Trump operative off the record. “Every morning at 6 a.m. we have a meeting of the head damage control officers in an auditorium to work out how to walk back Trump’s statements, and figure out some spin that will make them acceptable to the public.” But as many damage control people as they have, every one is working 20-hour days. Now with Trump’s statements like “The Second Amendment (meaning gun owners) people will take care of Hillary,” the work has just exploded. The RNC is advertising for 25,000 more damage control people, “and we need them immediately,” said the Trump operative. “Maybe we’ll eventually have to outsource the jobs to India or someplace.”
Hillary Clinton’s problems with her State Department emails stem from the simple fact that she’s always been uncomfortable with computers. She doesn’t know how they work, and is apparently unwilling to learn. That’s why she has stated that if she is elected President, neither she nor anyone else in her administration will use a computer. “There’s nothing wrong with a phone call or a letter,” she said. “You can keep track of things perfectly well without a computer. Franklin Roosevelt never had a computer, and yet look at all the good things he was able to accomplish.” The news of a Hillary computer ban came as a shock to Obama’s White House team, who are the most technologically literate people ever to work for a President. “I guess there’s a plus side,” said a White House aide. “The government would save money on electricity.”
Kentucky Governor Matt Bevin announced today that he has made Presidential Candidate Bernie Sanders an honorary Kentucky Colonel. “During this Presidential campaign, Bernie Sanders has made many noteworthy accomplishments,” said Governor Bevin. “Not least is the fact that he has been able to finance his campaign with small donations from hundreds of thousands of people, and has attracted support from across the political spectrum.” The newly-minted “Colonel” Sanders then addressed a gathering of students at the University of Kentucky, where he served up nuggets of wisdom, and followed his original mix of ideas with an extra crispy legislative program that would satisfy anyone. According to all reports, the students ate it up.