In a shocking development, it was revealed today that Presidential candidate Donald Trump had been genetically modified before birth – the first time a human had DNA from other organisms combined with his or her own. This fact was discovered after a reporter covering Trump sent a sample of Trump’s saliva – wiped from the reporter’s own face after a press conference – to a genetic tracing laboratory. The resulting DNA report detailed Trump’s Scottish and German heritage – but also the surprising fact that the billionaire shared DNA with a Japanese blowfish and a carrot. “There’s no telling how his DNA became so bizarre,” said the reporter. “Maybe Trump’s father Fred had it done in 1946 before Donald was born. It’s also possible that Trump’s mother had been abducted by aliens and her baby’s DNA modified for some reason. In either case, it’s the first case of human genetic engineering on record.” Trump’s blowfish and carrot relatives account for much of his behavior and appearance.
Hillary Clinton’s problems with her State Department emails stem from the simple fact that she’s always been uncomfortable with computers. She doesn’t know how they work, and is apparently unwilling to learn. That’s why she has stated that if she is elected President, neither she nor anyone else in her administration will use a computer. “There’s nothing wrong with a phone call or a letter,” she said. “You can keep track of things perfectly well without a computer. Franklin Roosevelt never had a computer, and yet look at all the good things he was able to accomplish.” The news of a Hillary computer ban came as a shock to Obama’s White House team, who are the most technologically literate people ever to work for a President. “I guess there’s a plus side,” said a White House aide. “The government would save money on electricity.”
Admit it – you’ve never seen a cloud of mosquitoes around a big, thick book of Federal regulations. That’s because Federal regulations are so foggy and emit such an odor that mosquitoes stay far away. Simply place a big book of Federal regulations – financial and oil industry regulations work best – on your deck or patio, and you’ll stay mosquito-free all summer. The only downside is you may attract lobbyists, but they’re easy to get rid of if you’re not a Federal employee.
Your Social Security number is one of the most useful and important numbers in your life. But if it’s stolen, someone else can assume your identity, take out loans, open bank accounts commit all kinds of fraud in your name – plus deprive you of a secure retirement. But did you know in order to fully protect your Social Security number, you need to renew it periodically? Renewing it costs only $25, and gives you peace of mind knowing your number is securely registered to you. Protect your good name, your assets and your retirement by renewing your Social Security number now.
To the surprise of no one, we need more research. That’s the conclusion of a new federal study that has spent 10 years studying existing federal studies. The new study examined every study from “How Penguins Communicate” to “Micromanagement of Corn Crop Patterns” to “How Paper Money Circulates in American Prisons” – and 150,000 more. Despite the massive amount of information being generated by the studies, the new study concludes that we need more federal studies. “We simply don’t know everything,” said one of the study’s authors. “We don’t even know what we need to know. It’s entirely possible that some new study will turn out to be actually valuable. In addition, these federal studies have become an important part of the economy, as the government spends millions of dollars each year on them. We need more studies – especially ones which determine the studies that need to be funded, researched and written.”
The secretive National Security Agency is getting even more secretive – and powerful. Apparently, it has developed a sophisticated program that allows it to scour every website, blog, email and social media account and completely erase every mention of
Saying “We’re just going to cut to the chase,” the trillionaire Koch Brothers announced that they are buying the U.S. federal government – all three branches – plus most government departments including Treasury. The deal, expected to top three trillion dollars plus billions more in stock in Koch Industries, will give the Kochs what they’ve been after for decades – control of the government and all its policies. “We decided to stop buying it piecemeal by purchasing individual senators and representatives,” said David H. Koch. “While effective, that approach was just taking too long. This country needs to be more conservative right now.” The Kochs are expected to appoint new congressmen from the Tea Party and other far right organizations. They also plan to cut costs by eliminating many federal departments like Education, Health and Human Services, and Conservation. “We don’t own the country,” said Charles Koch. “Just the government. People shouldn’t panic.”
The country’s new Zero-Tolerance policy against incandescent lightbulbs – those traditional bulbs that waste enormous amounts of energy – has claimed its first victim. Manufacturers have stopped making incandescent bulbs, and it has become illegal to use them, but no one has actually been arrested for that crime – until now. In Aurora, Colorado, police arrested a man for possessing and using incandescent bulbs in his home. “He was a flagrant user,” explained a police spokesman. “He was using incandescents in every fixture in his home, and kept them all going until late at night. Not only that, we found a stash of over 3 dozen bulbs – even 100 watters – hidden in a basement storage room under a bag of marijuana. We confiscated the bulbs, of course.” The man, who is being questioned, was reported to police by a neighbor who spotted an incandescent bulb in the man’s porch light.
Those sophisticated satellites circling the globe don’t just keep track of the weather – they control it. U.S. Weather Service experts decide what the weather should be, then send signals to the satellites which use microband radar to make clouds form or dissipate, direct wind patterns, and affect the temperature of the air. Now you can use that same technology to control the weather where you live – and anywhere else! The recently-patented WeatherMaster II handheld control device gives you the same power that Weather Service experts have. Imagine turning a dial and making the rain stop, clouds go away, and make soft, warm breezes blow. The WeatherMaster II can do that, and more. Despite its power, the WeatherMaster II fits in your pocket so you can take it anywhere. Simple instructions are included.
WeatherMaster II satellite control device, $199.95
The funding cutbacks at NASA have resulted in the cheapest possible spacecraft being built. The newest is the Microwave Explorer, a sophisticated satellite that scans the electromagnetic spectrum for signs of the Big Bang. The Microwave Explorer was built from off-the-shelf Erector sets – the same kind kids use to make toy cranes and trucks. NASA engineers used 388 Erector sets purchased from a local toy outlet at a total cost of $15,550, and built the satellite in their spare time. “We’re simply maximizing our resources in these tough times,” said a NASA spokesman. The spacecraft is expected to last six years, at which point it will reenter Earth’s atmosphere and break up into its component metal pieces, cog wheels, pulleys and rubber grommets.
The National Security Agency’s official website, nsa.gov, suffered a massive outage yesterday, and officials originally thought it was due to a cyberattack by hacks or terrorists. The NSA has come under criticism lately because of its electronic surveillance operations, and many experts thought the website had gone down in a sophisticated denial of service attack. After examination, however, technicians discovered that the site had been brought down because it had been spying on people applying for healthcare on another government site, healthcare.gov, and the two sites became hopelessly entangled and collapsed together in a mass of digital debris. “Our website will be up and running in no time,” said a spokesman for the NSA. “Just as soon as the healthcare situation has been straightened out.”
The crippling government shutdown is over safely, thanks to passersby who seized the controls. On Saturday, pedestrians outside the Capitol building – including tourists, nearby office workers and one first responder – became alarmed that not only was government in freefall, but Congress was permanently paralyzed and unable to bring the powerless nation safely down from the heights of stupidity. Fifteen of the passersby rushed into the Capitol and grabbed the controls of government, even though none of them had any experience in operating a nation before. It took forty-five tense, nail-biting minutes, but the huge government was restarted, power was restored just in time to avoid a major catastrophe. “We saw what we had to do and we just did it,” one of the civilians said later.
Scientists at the University of Virginia recently proved the existence of a complete universe that parallels ours – but is in many ways our opposite. “We were amazed to find how similar this universe is to ours,” said a scientist. “Yet how different. For example, there’s a parallel Earth, complete with parallel life-forms – even parallel humans. They’re like us, but with unbelievable differences. For one thing, they believe that affordable health care is the worst thing that could happen to them. They’re even willing to shut down their government to prevent it from helping people. Unfortunately, there’s no way to communicate with this parallel universe, so it’s on a path to self-destruction. The only question is when.”
The government shutdown has resulted in a shocking development – all government buildings in Washington, D.C. were nothing but huge 3-D holograms. This was revealed yesterday when the shutdown forced power to the capital to be turned off. “The Capitol Building, White House, Treasury Building – all the major structures we thought were solid – disappeared,” said a reporter for the Washington Post. “Evidently the government has been operating from somewhere else, and no one knows exactly where. Those TV pictures from the White House and Congress apparently were all from studio sets. It’s like the Wizard of Oz, where Dorothy found out it was all smoke and mirrors,” the reporter continued. “Actually, this explains a lot.”
Facing unsolvable crisis after crisis abroad, relentless partisan attacks on Obamacare and other programs, and complete and utter gridlock in Congress, President Obama has accepted Chief Justice John Roberts’ offer to absolve him from his oath of office and simply walk away. “I came to the conclusion that with all the opposition we were getting in Congress, nothing was going to get done until I was gone,” the President said. “Too much time was being wasted on partisan bickering and politics. I felt like I was being held prisoner by the opposition. The country has to get moving again.” Instead of being automatically replaced by Vice President Biden, Obama said a new President would be chosen by members of Congress drawing straws. “That’s the only fair way,” the President continued. “It takes politics completely out of the equation.” After leaving office next week, Obama plans to move his family back to Chicago, where he will join a local law firm specializing in personal injury cases.
After perfecting “autonomous” cars that travel without the help of a driver, scientists are working on a larger and more pressing need – an electronic, fully-functioning elected-official-free Congress. “Eliminating people from the process of enacting laws will eliminate the partisan politics that are creating roadblocks and keeping the system from working properly,” said a spokesman for the American Science Institute. “Autonomous cars have proven that computers can make decisions and do complex tasks more efficiently and safely than humans. Why not apply that knowledge to creating an autonomous Congress?” The scientists expect to have a person-less Congress by 2016, composed of a bank of computer servers housed in the basement of the Senate Office Building in Washington. “In 2016, you’ll see things start to move again,” said the spokesman.
Think the National Security Agency is secret? It’s practically Disneyland compared to its overseer organization, which is so secret it has no name, no known function, no Congressional oversight, and is headquartered in a huge building that’s actually invisible, thanks to stealth technology. The nameless secrecy organization is apparently in charge of keeping things secret, which is why no one has known of its existence. But thanks to a one-line slipup in a one-time communication, revealed by Edward Snowden, the organization has become known – or at least surmised. The nameless organization could be composed of as many as 20,000 people telecommuting from around the world, or as little as 3,000 in its headquarters building, but no one knows. Analysts theorize the organization may operate the largest collection of supercomputers in the world, tracking everything and everyone, tying into every computer network with the ability to control all machines and industries remotely, but again, no one knows. Because it’s really, really secret.
The ongoing Sequester is forcing more and more government entities to make drastic cutbacks in their operating budgets. The latest to fall to the budget axe is the formerly sacrosanct Pentagon, the U.S. military headquarters. Congress is requiring that the Pentagon cut its yearly expenses by 20%, which will entail enormous changes. The most visible one will be the Pentagon building itself. One of the world’s largest office buildings, the Pentagon was built in the 1940’s, but the new budget cuts make it necessary to reduce its bulk by 20%. One entire side of the Pentagon will be vacated and torn down, and the other sides moved around to close the gap. This enormous project will result in the building no longer being a pentagon, but a simple square.
Thanks to automatic spending cuts due to the sequestration, the Federal Aviation Administration is being forced to lay off hundreds of flight controllers at 149 of the nation’s airports starting in June. But rather than leave the control towers empty, the airports are turning them into luxury condos. The former control tower condos are expected to fetch millions of dollars, since they occupy some of the most prime real estate in any city. Each control tower condo will feature spectacular 360 degree views, great cell reception, a wall of expensive radar screens, dozens of nearby restaurants, and, of course, proximity to the airport. Each one will be refurbished to include noise reduction, and will include a doorman. The FAA simply asks that if you should spot two airplanes heading for each other, call an FAA official in Washington right away. If you’d like a futuristic condo and need to fly often, check out the list of airport control tower closings at FAA.gov, and apply for a condo online.
Citing recent budget cutbacks, the Department of the Interior announced today that the start of the Spring season will be delayed by two weeks. “Getting aligned with the sun for the Vernal Equinox is more expensive than people think,” said Ken Salazar, head of the department. “All that warmth costs money, especially after the cold winter we’ve had. All the plants have to be restarted by hand. The birds have to be brought back from the South. And due to the recent sequester, our budget has been cut. By delaying the start of Spring until April 4, we’ll be able to save tens of millions of dollars.”
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