In a shocking development, it was revealed today that Presidential candidate Donald Trump had been genetically modified before birth – the first time a human had DNA from other organisms combined with his or her own. This fact was discovered after a reporter covering Trump sent a sample of Trump’s saliva – wiped from the reporter’s own face after a press conference – to a genetic tracing laboratory. The resulting DNA report detailed Trump’s Scottish and German heritage – but also the surprising fact that the billionaire shared DNA with a Japanese blowfish and a carrot. “There’s no telling how his DNA became so bizarre,” said the reporter. “Maybe Trump’s father Fred had it done in 1946 before Donald was born. It’s also possible that Trump’s mother had been abducted by aliens and her baby’s DNA modified for some reason. In either case, it’s the first case of human genetic engineering on record.” Trump’s blowfish and carrot relatives account for much of his behavior and appearance.
U.S. geneticists have discovered that there’s more to our DNA than previously thought. Instead of being one “language” that controls our genes, DNA has actually been found to be two languages – one on top of the other. This second language is used to store information, say the geneticists. “In fact,” says a University of Washington genome sciences Professor, “the second language is used for stories – specifically funny stories. This was a completely unforeseen development.” If the second language is used to store jokes, say the scientists, there may be other hidden languages that are used for other purposes. “Maybe we’ll find mystery stories, thrillers – or even photographs,” said a geneticist. “Now that would be an amazing discovery.” In the meantime, scientists around the world are deciphering the funny stories in our DNA – and laughing hysterically.
In a burst of creativity, genetic scientists have taken the DNA of Beefsteak tomatoes and inserted genes from a great white whale, resulting in the largest tomatoes ever grown. Nearly fourteen feet in circumference, these incredible Whalatoes™ weigh five hundred pounds each, and are true tomatoes. Now you can grow Whalatoes yourself! If you love the taste of tomatoes, this is the perfect chance to get your fill. In fact, all you need to grow is one Whalato. When ripe, one Whalato will feed a family of four for two years – providing all the pasta sauce, pizza sauce, tomato sauce, ketchup, tomato slices, tomato dices and tomato everything else that a family could ever use. The only downside is that Whalatoes take three years to reach their maximum size, so in cold climates they must be raised indoors, perhaps in an unused bedroom or in a well-lit garage or basement. Once it gets to be full-size and ripe, simply refrigerate your Whalato in several industrial-size freezers, and you’ll have all the tomato you and your friends and neighbors could ever want.
Whalato seeds, packet of six, $6.95
Biological scientists have long since learned how to genetically modify crops to produce ones with better characteristics. They’ve also learned how to insert desirable vegetable genes into fish to make them grow larger and tastier. Now scientists have learned how to combine genes from various household pets to give them new traits and talents! Imagine having a cat with dog genes that loves to swim and fetch! Or a dog that can climb trees and land on its feet when it falls! Or a horse with parrot genes that help it actually speak! The possibilities are limited only by the imagination. Find out about the new world of genetically modified pets in our new book, Design Your Own Pet.
Design Your Own Pet, 347 pp., $39.95
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