Apparently so confident that he’ll be the next President, Donald Trump today said he is not satisfied with the government’s 15 existing executive departments, and has created two additional ones. The new Department of The Fence will be responsible for physically keeping out any and all immigrants, especially Hispanics, Muslims and troublemakers. Trump named Matt Koel, head of the National Socialist White People’s Party, as Secretary of The Fence. In addition, Trump created the Department of Negotiation, which will have responsibility for reducing the national debt, primarily by lowering Treasury bonds to junk status and stiffing creditor nations. Trump named his son, Donald Trump Jr., as Secretary of Negotiation. “We can’t make America great again by just doing the same-old, same-old,” said Trump in announcing the new departments. “We have to take some initiative, and these are just two of the changes I plan to make the minute I step into the Oval Office – which, by the way, isn’t going to be oval for long.”
The country’s new Zero-Tolerance policy against incandescent lightbulbs – those traditional bulbs that waste enormous amounts of energy – has claimed its first victim. Manufacturers have stopped making incandescent bulbs, and it has become illegal to use them, but no one has actually been arrested for that crime – until now. In Aurora, Colorado, police arrested a man for possessing and using incandescent bulbs in his home. “He was a flagrant user,” explained a police spokesman. “He was using incandescents in every fixture in his home, and kept them all going until late at night. Not only that, we found a stash of over 3 dozen bulbs – even 100 watters – hidden in a basement storage room under a bag of marijuana. We confiscated the bulbs, of course.” The man, who is being questioned, was reported to police by a neighbor who spotted an incandescent bulb in the man’s porch light.
Taking the suggestion of a schoolboy, the Federal Government will immediately save billions of dollars a year with one simple decision: get rid of the vowels in all government forms and documents. “Vowels comprise up to 25% of all words,” said a spokesman for the Government Printing Office. “We print millions of documents a year, from the Congressional Record to books and pamphlets, not to mention the IRS tax forms and all laws passed by Congress. Words can still be recognized without their vowels, and eliminating those five letters will save huge amounts of ink – in addition to saving paper by shortening all documents.” The new money-saving Cngrssnl Rcrd will be begin printing nxt wk.
Working throughout the night, Republican and Democratic leaders have hammered out a plan that will prevent the federal government from shutting down on Oct. 1 – even if no budget agreement is reached. Instead of having to close down federal departments and services when the present budget expires, the entire federal government will be operated by China. “The Chinese have generously offered to take over any federal offices, services and departments that would be impacted by our budget problem,” said a federal spokesman. “They have benefitted greatly from our economy, and they don’t want to see any slowdown in our activity,” the spokesman continued. “They have the manpower, intimate knowledge of our operations, and complete integration of our computer systems, which they’ve been developing on their own initiative over the past few years. They’ll have no problem operating our government remotely from overseas. We thank the Chinese government for their assistance in this time of need.” Republican leader John Boehner and President Obama both extended their thanks and appreciation to the Chinese, relieved that a government shutdown has been averted.
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