Not content just to leave the European Union, Britain today voted to leave the Earth. “We not only don’t need Europe,” said former London mayor Boris Johnson, “we don’t need the rest of the world. We can get along just fine by ourselves. We’ve got everything we need, really.” Britain plans to take itself off the planet and into orbit around the sun later this year. “Once we eject some undesirable immigrants and European commuters, we’ll be off and away,” said Johnson. Just how that is going to be done is not clear, although Johnson said they are working on “some sort of hyper loop technology, or something. We’ll figure it out.”
Thousands of refugees from Syria and other repressive countries are making dangerous journeys across the Mediterranean to an uncertain future in Europe. On their overcrowded boats and in their refugee camps they face danger, disease, and fear. What they need is a little laughter to brighten their days – and that’s where you come in. As an entertainment director for the refugees, you’ll be doing your part to help the situation. All the refugees need is a few jokes, a little patter, some songs, maybe some sleight-of-hand… anything you can do to help put smiles on their faces again. Call the United Nations Emergency Entertainment Committee and volunteer. Then grab your banjo and head to a refugee camp in Greece. They’re waiting for you!
European and Russian space agencies have announced a joint project to build the first human settlement on the moon. The venture, named Luna 27, is set to begin launching missions by the year 2020. Scientists suspect there is a substrate of ice at the moon’s south pole, and the first mission will check for water and minerals. Professor Igor Mitrofanov of the Space Research Institute in Moscow said “We have to go to the moon. We have the technology, the knowledge and the ambition. Plus, the moon is the only place we know of that has room for the hundreds of thousands of refugees fleeing repressive regimes in the Mideast and elsewhere. Neither Europe or Russia wants them. Why not send them all somewhere where they won’t get in the way? We’ll gain important scientific knowledge, and we’ll be done with the refugee problem at the same time.”
Thanks to its beautiful architecture and historical significance, the island city of Venice has attracted tourists for centuries. However, it has also been slowly sinking into the Mediterranean almost since it was built. Now scientists have discovered that Venice is sinking faster – and they blame tourists. “Look around you,” said one scientist from a boat on Venice’s Grand Canal. “The walkways of this town are so crowded with tourists, it’s hard to move, let alone walk. Every day, six or more cruise ships dock here, each carrying more than 5,000 people. At an average of 150 pounds per person, that adds up to 2,250 tons of tourists… and they all go to the same places. That doesn’t count the people coming in on airplanes, trains and tour buses. This city was never meant for so many people. It’s sinking measurably faster these days.” Many solutions have been proposed for the problem, including a suggestion to attract more midgets.
Finally, Viking River Cruises is living up to its name. Taking a cue from the original Vikings, Viking announced several new cruises that will feature medieval activities. Passengers will be issued weapons like broadswords, shields and axes and join actual Vikings in special excursions to towns along the Rhine and Danube Rivers. There they’ll engage in attacking, pillaging, looting, burning and plundering, all done the way the original Vikings did it. “We always want to provide the most historically accurate experiences for our guests,” said a Viking Cruises spokesman. At each town, after a full day of battles and violence, surviving passengers and their Viking compatriots will be back aboard their ship by 6 p.m.
Here’s good news for people who want to experience Greece… now it’s for sale! The Greek government is in deep financial trouble, and needs to raise 50 billion euros in four years. To do that, they’re putting the nation’s assets up for sale, at fire sale prices. So now, instead of booking a flight to Athens on Olympic Air – you can buy the airline – and the airport – for $1,500! Instead of merely booking a room at the Crowne Plaza Athens hotel – you can buy the entire hotel for $495! Don’t just visit the Acropolis when you can own it for $245! Plus if you act today, you can own all four properties – airline, airport, hotel and Acropolis – for just $1,995! This is a deal that comes along only once in 3,000 years! And that’s not all! You can also buy highways, bridges, boats, office buildings – the entire country of Greece – at rock bottom prices. But hurry. Greece has only a limited amount of assets, and with its great cultural history, they’re bound to go fast! Read our book Greece 4 Sale – Cheap! to find out how to get in on this tremendous opportunity!
Greece 4 Sale – Cheap!, 221 pp., $12.95
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