The question of whether Russian hackers interfered with the Presidential election has been answered, according to President-Elect Trump. “Vladimir called me and said they didn’t do it,” he announced to a small group of reporters. “That’s good enough for me, okay? I believe him. He’s a straight-shooter. He called me a genius and a statesman, and that proves he knows what’s what. He said his people don’t even know how to work computers. I hope this puts an end to all the guessing and investigating, and we can get on with making America great again. By the way, Vlad also said that thanks to cuts in Russian real estate taxes, my investment properties in St. Petersburg have gone through the roof.”
Donald Trump is so sure he can be elected President without moving a muscle, his campaign manager announced that The Donald is not only skipping the next Presidential Debate – he’s skipping he entire rest of the campaign season. “Mr. Trump feels he has enough votes now to win,” said the manager. “He doesn’t have to do anything more. He’s not going to debate, make speeches, travel to the primaries, or even lift a finger during the entire general election. He’s just going to coast the rest of the way, visiting his resorts, keeping up with his business – and starting to order new drapes for the White House.”
You can identify a Trump building from miles away by its huge “Trump” sign. Now Donald Trump is planning to put a big one on the White House – when he’s the inhabitant. Trump is so confident he’ll be elected that he’s already placed an order for a 250-foot-long “Trump” sign to be installed on the White House roof. “Now, that’s chutzpah,” said one political analyst.
In a startling development, Presidential hopeful and real estate mogul Donald Trump was discovered to be not a human at all – but a paper mache piñata. “I was doing his makeup for a television appearance,” said makeup artist Maria Terro. “All of a sudden I see that his face is papery, and he’s got this string protruding from his head. When he moved, I could hear little things rattling around inside. Right then I knew he was a piñata.” Election experts were asked whether a piñata could run for President, and responded “Of course. The first one was George Bush 43.”
It’s going to be a long, long campaign season. There are now officially more GOP candidates for President than all previous candidates in all previous elections combined. To date, 11,672 people have declared they’re running for the highest office in the land – and 435 more people are filing every day. Besides Rick Santorum, Jeb Bush, Dr. Ben Carson, Chris Christie, Ted Cruz, Carly Fiorina, Lindsey Graham, Mike Huckabee, Bobby Jindal, George Pataki, Rand Paul, Rick Perry, Marco Rubio and Donald Trump, there’s Skip Andrews, Michael Bickelmeyer, Kerry Bowers, John Dummett, Jr., Oscar the Grouch, Mr. Peanut, Mr. Potato Head, Scruffy the Tugboat, Dr. Denton, Pat the Bunny, Charles Manson, Lumpy Pudding, American Pharoah, Rocky the Flying Squirrel, the entire traveling cast of “Music Man,” the entire Mormon Tabernacle Choir, the entire state legislature of Wyoming, the Springfield, Ohio, Women’s Book Club, and over 11,500 more.
In an unprecedented result for any election, North Korea’s leader Kim Jong Un has been approved by 250% of the nation’s voters – which included a turnout of 350% in his home district. According to North Korea’s Central News Agency reported that the policies of their supreme leader were so popular that not only did every living voter approve, but so did those who are unconscious, people who live in other countries, historical figures from Korea’s past, and even mythological beings who look favorably on the Democratic People’s Republic. Kim’s popularity is so great that his was the only name needed on the ballot.
In an attempt to remain relevant to its own members, the Republican Party has designed a new party flag. The new flag features a symbolic snake devouring itself and the motto “Change or Die.” The old design, adopted just four years ago, was a simple field of red with a big “NO” in bold black letters. The new flag was adopted just two weeks after the recent election, having been judged the most relevant message in a contest to design a new flag. The runners-up were “Well, maybe” and “What now?” You can get your own new Republican party flag, suitable for displaying on your desk or in your car, for just $4.95. Order now – before it changes again.
New Republican Party flag, $4.95
If you’re one of the dozens of Americans who still doesn’t know who to vote for, here’s help. The 2012 Election Decision Coin is now available, and will help you make your decision when you enter the voting booth. One side of the coin features President Barack Obama, who brought the country back from the brink of a great depression, saved the American auto industry, created millions of new jobs, passed the Affordable Care Act that provides health care to millions more Americans, pulled the trigger on Osama Bin Laden, and ended the Iraq war. The other side of the 2012 Election Decision coin features President Barack Obama, who brought the country back from the brink of a great depression, saved the American auto industry, created millions of new jobs, passed the Affordable Care Act that provides health care to millions more Americans, pulled the trigger on Osama Bin Laden, and ended the Iraq war. So flip the coin, and either way it lands, you’ll know exactly who to vote for.
2012 Election Decision Coin, $1.95
If you’ve been wondering about what Mitt Romney stands for, or what his economic plan for America is, or even some examples of his sense of humor, you’re in luck. Now there’s a set of books that puts everything known about Mitt Romney down on paper. Take Mitt Romney’s Plan For Restoring America’s Economy, for example. It’s everything Romney has said about exactly what legislation he’d propose, what specific actions he’d take – his complete agenda. It’s 250 pages of blank paper, perfect for jotting down your own notes, keeping a diary, sketching, or hundreds of other uses. Then there’s The Foreign Policy of Mitt Romney, detailing his experience. It too is 250 blank pages, so you’ve got more room to write and sketch. The Wit and Wisdom of Mitt Romney and The Compassion of Mitt Romney together total another 500 pages of blank paper. Then there’s The Complete Tax Returns of Mitt Romney and The Unwavering Views of Mitt Romney, for more great jotting and doodling. Altogether, the complete Mitt Romney Blank Book Library offers 1,500 gloriously blank pages – not an idea, plan or belief on them, until you add your own!
The complete 6-volume Mitt Romney Blank Book Library, $59.95
Here’s the most exciting, unpredictable game in years! The Newt Gingrich Shoot Your Mouth Off game is perfect for any party – even independent! There’s a Newt Gingrich head complete with a wind-up mouth and twelve colored pellets. Players set up targets in a circle around the head… Medicare, Social Security, the Media, Paul Ryan, Democrats, Republicans, President Obama, Congress, Newt’s foot, Mitt Romney, Newt’s former wives, the Constitution and more, each with varying points. Each player in turn winds up Newt’s mouth. Newt’s head vibrates and starts to wobble uncontrollably. At unpredictable intervals, his mouth shoots off a pellet. When a target is hit, that player scores those points. There’s no telling when Newt will shoot, what or who will go down, or even if he’ll hit any target at all! It’s a completely bizarre experience for all involved. Play now – Newt’s in the game!
The Newt Gingrich Shoot Your Mouth Off game, $59.95