Not content just to leave the European Union, Britain today voted to leave the Earth. “We not only don’t need Europe,” said former London mayor Boris Johnson, “we don’t need the rest of the world. We can get along just fine by ourselves. We’ve got everything we need, really.” Britain plans to take itself off the planet and into orbit around the sun later this year. “Once we eject some undesirable immigrants and European commuters, we’ll be off and away,” said Johnson. Just how that is going to be done is not clear, although Johnson said they are working on “some sort of hyper loop technology, or something. We’ll figure it out.”
The scientific community was stunned this week at the discovery of the largest dinosaur ever unearthed – the Stupendicus Bombastica. The new dinosaur was found after a tourist bus crashed into a recently-exposed Stupendicus tooth in southwestern Turkey. “This creature was so huge, it dwarfs every other living thing, and most buildings,” said an anthropologist. “It weighed so much that they had to live on separate continents. Each one could eat an entire forest in a month. If twenty Stupendicus were in the same place, it would upset the Earth’s rotation, causing it to wobble wildly. Fortunately, the creature was so huge, it could roam the Earth easily, going from Asia to Europe in three days to balance things out. There apparently were only a couple dozen alive at the same time, which is all the Earth could support.”
In a stunning discovery, astrophysicists found that the surface of the sun affects the Earth much more than previously thought. Astronomers have long known about how sunspot activity and solar flares have affected Earth’s satellites and sensitive electronics. They’ve known about the sun’s 11-year cycle, and how sunspots get weaker and stronger over the cycles. But recently, astronomers using a newly-built telescope in Hawaii discovered that the sun also has an 11-million-year cycle… and the cycle is peaking. “Every 11 million years, the sun’s spots congregate on one side of the sun, and produce unimaginable amounts of energy,” said a spokesman for the Center for Astronomy in Hawaii. “We’re seeing that happening now. This will have an enormous effect on the Earth.” For example, when the cycle is at its peak, the Earth’s polarity will flip, making north south and vice versa. Not only that, many other things will be reversed – including time itself. “Time will begin to flow backwards,” said the spokesman. “That’s because when the Earth’s polarity is flipped, the sun will rise in the west and set in the east, making time reverse itself.” Astronomers, astrophysicists and other scientists are now scrambling to figure out how this development will affect life on Earth. The good news is, not only will everyone become younger and younger, but people like Isaac Newton will eventually exist again… maybe he’ll be able to explain things.”
Not content to have the biggest, the most, the highest, the fastest, and the most modern of everything, China has now decided it has outgrown Planet Earth and is beginning to construct an entire new planet of its own. To be called Chrysanthemum, the new planet will be bigger than Earth, according to Chinese sources. Using the newest construction techniques and materials, Chinese companies are assembling the planet’s support structure in a remote province of China. Two thousand mountains have been bulldozed for basic building materials, and twenty factories are busy turning out high-strength steel for the planet’s skeleton. Planet Chrysanthemum is expected to take twenty years to build, but its basic structure will be launched from Earth using special gravity spin-off techniques. The planet will then be completed using thousands of supply rockets which will travel up to it on a regular schedule. A knowledgeable source said of the project, “Why are the Chinese building a whole planet? Because they can.”
In the most ambitious and far-reaching project ever attempted, NASA announced today that a manned exploration base will be built on Mars. Astronauts will live and work in a huge domed community, and travel the Red Planet in special vehicles. Since Mars has no source of natural energy to enable such a project, it has to be brought from Earth. NASA turned to Halliburton, the large construction company, to help out. Halliburton experts recommended using oil, and the cheapest way to transport oil is by pipeline. Using new construction techniques and building materials, Halliburton will build a 55-million-mile oil pipeline directly to Mars. Since the distance between to two planets changes, the pipeline will be built to expand and contract as needed. “A pipeline to Mars will solve our exploration energy problem,” said a NASA spokesman. “Astronauts will be able to live and work on Mars indefinitely.” Halliburton estimates that the Mars pipeline will cost 400 trillion dollars, and will take 15 years to build.
NASA announced yesterday that it has spotted an Earth-like planet – and is sending a powerful spacecraft to capture it and bring it back to our solar system to replace our worn-out Earth. The new planet, Kepler-62f, has everything needed to support life, and because it’s 1.4 times larger than Earth, it also has plenty of room for our increasing population. Even though Kepler-62f is 1,200 light years from here, traveling there and back will be easy for the NASA spacecraft, because NASA scientists cleverly found a shortcut using GPS. Once at Kepler-62f, the NASA spacecraft will use an enormous tether to snag the planet like it was an asteroid, drag it back here and swap it out for Earth. We’ve always known we’d have to travel to another planet once we’ve used up Earth and contaminated it. But we always wondered how we’d get everybody there. That problem has now been solved. Once the new planet is on its way to Earth, everybody will be issued cardboard boxes to put their stuff in, then Kepler-62f will be parked close enough so everybody can get aboard. Then Earth itself will be tossed away to disappear in the depths of space. In the meantime, NASA is sponsoring a contest to name our new home, because Kepler-62f just won’t cut it.
Announcing an incredible advancement in solar energy production, NASA officials introduced a spectacularly innovative spacecraft that will be sent to land on the surface of the sun. The spacecraft, the Solar Max, is made from extremely heat-resistant materials that can survive temperatures up to 10 million degrees. Once on the sun’s surface, the Solar Max will drill down 150 feet and extract up to 400 pounds of material from the interior of the sun – actual, physical material that will contain enough solar energy to power the entire Earth for seven years. “Today’s solar energy technology is too time-consuming and inefficient,” a NASA official claimed. “Waiting for weak rays of the sun to come to Earth, then turning it into minute amounts of electricity with huge and expensive solar panels, is very wasteful and unproductive.” Instead, NASA will go directly to the source of solar energy – the sun – and bring it back to Earth. The method of solar mining that will be inaugurated by the Solar Max will usher the world into a new era of cheap and unlimited power. The Solar Max is scheduled to be launched in October 2015.
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