After discovering that building a “big, beautiful” 12-foot-high fence along America’s 1,900-mile border with Mexico would cost $100 billion, President-elect Trump has changed his mind. He still wants a fence, but instead of a physical one, he has decided to install the world’s longest Invisible Fence™, a simple wire buried in the ground along the border. This device will cause anyone wearing a special dog collar to receive a severe shock if they come up to the invisible fence — and Trump is requiring all Mexicans to wear the collars. “Every Mexican will have to wear a collar,” said a Trump spokesman. “And the Mexican government will pay for them. We have to stop these illegal immigrants from coming in to our country — and this is the best way to do it. It’s a win-win-win situation — we get to preserve the beauty of our border, the Mexicans get a stylish fashion accessory, and we stop the flood of immigrants.”
Thanks to Donald Trump’s increasingly bizarre and alarming Presidential campaign, business at Trump hotels around the country has fallen dramatically. “The Trump name is no longer a benefit,” said one hotel manager who declined to be named. “In fact, it’s a liability. No one wants to stay in a place named Trump, now that people know what he’s really like.” In an attempt to reverse the decline, Trump hotels from coast to coast are replacing the Trump name with a name that is more favorable –– Hitler. The first to make the change, the Hitler Hotel Waikiki, began booking customers last month, and reports business is up over last year.
Thanks to intercession by the Republican National Committee, Donald Trump’s campaign staff includes damage control officers – 153,000 at last count. These damage control officers work the phones and appear on TV interviews, trying to explain Trump’s crazy comments, gaffes, and strange statements. “We’ve had a heck of a time making sense of what he says,” said a Trump operative off the record. “Every morning at 6 a.m. we have a meeting of the head damage control officers in an auditorium to work out how to walk back Trump’s statements, and figure out some spin that will make them acceptable to the public.” But as many damage control people as they have, every one is working 20-hour days. Now with Trump’s statements like “The Second Amendment (meaning gun owners) people will take care of Hillary,” the work has just exploded. The RNC is advertising for 25,000 more damage control people, “and we need them immediately,” said the Trump operative. “Maybe we’ll eventually have to outsource the jobs to India or someplace.”
Presidential candidate Donald Trump surprised the country by today announcing his choice for Vice President, and it was completely unexpected. Despite his previous “short list” of Mike Spence, Chris Christie and Newt Gingrich, Trump said he has chosen actresses Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen to be his co-Vice Presidents. “”Mary-Kate and Ashley are amazing,” said Trump in making the announcement. “They’re fighters, they’ve been all over the world, they’re smart, and they can be in two places at the same time, which is important to me.” The choice sets several precedents – the first twins, the first non-politicians, the first actresses, and the youngest candidates for Vice President ever to run. “They’re only 30,” said Trump, “and they make Hillary look like she’s 90. They’re very versatile, both of them, and they’ll look incredible on our campaign posters.” The choice still has to be approved by the delegates to the Republican convention, but Trump is confident they’ll be approved. “Once they see these girls in person, there will be no problem, I guarantee you.”
Zeroing in on the only people who can’t remember all his policy flip-flops and backtracks, Presidential candidate Donald Trump’s campaign staff is focusing on support from people with Alzheimer’s disease. “These people are our best hope,” said a campaign staffer. “They only focus on what Trump says today, and forget that he said the opposite thing last week.” In a first for politics, the Trump campaign purchased names and addresses of Alzheimer’s sufferers, and will send out mailers days before the election saying things like “Remember, you promised to vote for Trump.”
In a shocking development, it was revealed today that Presidential candidate Donald Trump had been genetically modified before birth – the first time a human had DNA from other organisms combined with his or her own. This fact was discovered after a reporter covering Trump sent a sample of Trump’s saliva – wiped from the reporter’s own face after a press conference – to a genetic tracing laboratory. The resulting DNA report detailed Trump’s Scottish and German heritage – but also the surprising fact that the billionaire shared DNA with a Japanese blowfish and a carrot. “There’s no telling how his DNA became so bizarre,” said the reporter. “Maybe Trump’s father Fred had it done in 1946 before Donald was born. It’s also possible that Trump’s mother had been abducted by aliens and her baby’s DNA modified for some reason. In either case, it’s the first case of human genetic engineering on record.” Trump’s blowfish and carrot relatives account for much of his behavior and appearance.
Apparently so confident that he’ll be the next President, Donald Trump today said he is not satisfied with the government’s 15 existing executive departments, and has created two additional ones. The new Department of The Fence will be responsible for physically keeping out any and all immigrants, especially Hispanics, Muslims and troublemakers. Trump named Matt Koel, head of the National Socialist White People’s Party, as Secretary of The Fence. In addition, Trump created the Department of Negotiation, which will have responsibility for reducing the national debt, primarily by lowering Treasury bonds to junk status and stiffing creditor nations. Trump named his son, Donald Trump Jr., as Secretary of Negotiation. “We can’t make America great again by just doing the same-old, same-old,” said Trump in announcing the new departments. “We have to take some initiative, and these are just two of the changes I plan to make the minute I step into the Oval Office – which, by the way, isn’t going to be oval for long.”
Donald Trump is so sure he can be elected President without moving a muscle, his campaign manager announced that The Donald is not only skipping the next Presidential Debate – he’s skipping he entire rest of the campaign season. “Mr. Trump feels he has enough votes now to win,” said the manager. “He doesn’t have to do anything more. He’s not going to debate, make speeches, travel to the primaries, or even lift a finger during the entire general election. He’s just going to coast the rest of the way, visiting his resorts, keeping up with his business – and starting to order new drapes for the White House.”
You can identify a Trump building from miles away by its huge “Trump” sign. Now Donald Trump is planning to put a big one on the White House – when he’s the inhabitant. Trump is so confident he’ll be elected that he’s already placed an order for a 250-foot-long “Trump” sign to be installed on the White House roof. “Now, that’s chutzpah,” said one political analyst.
Not content with a typical campaign video, Presidential candidate Donald Trump announced he has financed a complete theatrical motion picture. “It’s costing a billion dollars,” Trump said in announcing the film. “I’m producing it myself. It’s the most amazing movie ever made. It’s all about me and America. We go to all the best places – Mount Rushmore, the Statue of Liberty, Mount Vernon, my casino – and we’re bringing in all the best people – me, George Washington, Abraham Lincoln – big, big people. You know, it’s amazing what you can do with computers these days. I’ll be renting the best theaters to run my movie 24 hours a day, 7 days a week – and more, if available. Everybody will want to see it, and I mean everybody. We’re going to invite Congress, the Supreme Court, the Queen of England, the Pope, the top, top Hollywood celebrities, everybody. Listen, if this movie doesn’t win all the Oscars, all the awards, I’ll be very, very surprised. When I’m President, I’ll buy all the networks and run this movie forever.”
In a startling development, Presidential hopeful and real estate mogul Donald Trump was discovered to be not a human at all – but a paper mache piñata. “I was doing his makeup for a television appearance,” said makeup artist Maria Terro. “All of a sudden I see that his face is papery, and he’s got this string protruding from his head. When he moved, I could hear little things rattling around inside. Right then I knew he was a piñata.” Election experts were asked whether a piñata could run for President, and responded “Of course. The first one was George Bush 43.”
It’s going to be a long, long campaign season. There are now officially more GOP candidates for President than all previous candidates in all previous elections combined. To date, 11,672 people have declared they’re running for the highest office in the land – and 435 more people are filing every day. Besides Rick Santorum, Jeb Bush, Dr. Ben Carson, Chris Christie, Ted Cruz, Carly Fiorina, Lindsey Graham, Mike Huckabee, Bobby Jindal, George Pataki, Rand Paul, Rick Perry, Marco Rubio and Donald Trump, there’s Skip Andrews, Michael Bickelmeyer, Kerry Bowers, John Dummett, Jr., Oscar the Grouch, Mr. Peanut, Mr. Potato Head, Scruffy the Tugboat, Dr. Denton, Pat the Bunny, Charles Manson, Lumpy Pudding, American Pharoah, Rocky the Flying Squirrel, the entire traveling cast of “Music Man,” the entire Mormon Tabernacle Choir, the entire state legislature of Wyoming, the Springfield, Ohio, Women’s Book Club, and over 11,500 more.
Astronomers at Eotvos Lorand University in Budapest have announced that they have discovered what they are calling the largest individual structure ever identified by humanity. It’s not a galaxy or cluster of galaxies. It’s not even a structure in the usual sense. It’s a supermassive ego cloud, and strings of it loop for trillions of lightyears around the universe and converge on one human being: Donald Trump. “It’s the first external ego ever found,” said an astronomer. “And it’s obviously the biggest. There’s no room in the universe for another one like that.” The effects of Donald Trump’s supermassive ego had been spotted years ago, but never traced to Trump himself. Reached by reporters, Donald Trump said “Now everyone in the universe must bow to my every whim, and know my destiny is to be President, Emperor and Lord and Master of all I survey.”
In an attempt to adapt itself to today’s world, the Catholic Church announced today that it is changing the centuries-old way it chooses Popes. Instead of an enclave of cardinals and bishops from around the world choosing a Pope, the Church has decided to use a panel of eight judges. And instead of meeting in secret and casting ballot after ballot for weeks until there’s a consensus, the judges will interview twenty candidates in public over a 4-hour period. To coordinate the event, which will be televised from Rome live in March, the Vatican has chosen Donald Trump, who has for years successfully organized the Miss America pageant. Even though Trump is a Presbyterian, the Vatican has confidence that the all-Catholic panel of judges will render a winner that is acceptable to all Catholics. “I’m am extremely honored to be chosen to produce this event of absolutely historic proportions,” Trump said in a statement. “I can’t think of anything more important in the history of mankind than choosing a Pope for this day and age.” Like the Miss America pageant, the new Pope will be chosen based on several events – ceremonial robe and mitre wear, benediction performance, Papal homily, crowd waving, and a question-and-answer session featuring subjects such as what he or she likes about the Church, how best to take advantage of Facebook and Twitter, and how to deal with the increasingly troubling moral scandals within the Church. For the first time, the contestants will consist of people of all genders, ethnicities and nationalities, and the competition should result in a Pope who will be young, charismatic, telegenic and able to lead the Church for many decades.
In a bid to outdo his billionaire space rival, Richard Branson, Donald Trump today announced the launching of his latest hotel – 430 miles above Earth! Not content to simply take tourists into space and bring them back, Trump has built a full luxury hotel in a higher, more prestigious orbit than the International Space Station, where visitors can stay for periods of up to six weeks at a time. The Trump Space Hotel features all the amenities of a Trump hotel – 200 large, luxurious suites, complete with full kitchens, spacious living rooms and full double baths, plus a fitness center, business center, 3 top-quality restaurants, sensational observation deck, 2 swimming pools, 4 theaters – all with IMAX, and massage center. The entire interior of the hotel is built with Carrara marble, with gold-plated trim, making it the heaviest object ever to orbit Earth – 2,800,000 tons. You can book a suite at the Trump Space Hotel at a special introductory rate of $30,000 per night, which includes transportation to and from the hotel. Now’s the time to visit the most exotic destination of all – space – in luxury, at the Trump Space Hotel.
Book the Trump Space Hotel on Expedia.com
Here’s the most exciting game of the season! The new edition of the Donald Trump Hat-In-The-Ring Game is out – and more fun than ever. Like previous editions, you get everything you need: a Donald Trump crazy wig, a big pile of money, a plastic ring, 100 Pundit Cards and a Wild Card. But the Birther Edition adds a birth certificate, a wildly erratic dart gun and a sticky target! Like before, players choose a Donald, who puts on the wig and does the Look-At-Me Dance. Up to ten Pundits can play – taking turns, they look at the big pile of money and draw a Pundit Card. Then they bet whether the Donald’s hat will land in the ring which has been placed out of sight in the next room. During each turn, the Donald takes aim at the target on his own foot and deliberately tries to shoot it with the dart gun – hoping he doesn’t hit his mouth instead – as he tries to guess who has the birth certificate that is in plain sight. With the right combination of Pundit Cards, Wild Card and shooting himself in the foot – plus pundits guessing whether the Donald ever actually had a hat – the Birther Edition of the Donald Trump Hat-In-The-Ring game is sure to enliven every political party!
The Donald Trump Hat-In-The-Ring Game, Birther Edition, $69.95