In a shocking development, it was revealed today that Presidential candidate Donald Trump had been genetically modified before birth – the first time a human had DNA from other organisms combined with his or her own. This fact was discovered after a reporter covering Trump sent a sample of Trump’s saliva – wiped from the reporter’s own face after a press conference – to a genetic tracing laboratory. The resulting DNA report detailed Trump’s Scottish and German heritage – but also the surprising fact that the billionaire shared DNA with a Japanese blowfish and a carrot. “There’s no telling how his DNA became so bizarre,” said the reporter. “Maybe Trump’s father Fred had it done in 1946 before Donald was born. It’s also possible that Trump’s mother had been abducted by aliens and her baby’s DNA modified for some reason. In either case, it’s the first case of human genetic engineering on record.” Trump’s blowfish and carrot relatives account for much of his behavior and appearance.
In a stunning announcement by NASA scientists, new analysis of data from the Mars Rover Opportunity reveals the building blocks of a separate form of life – a life form known here on Earth as Republicans. This immense discovery – which should have been obvious, since Mars is known as the Red Planet – explains much about the way things have developed here on Earth in the last couple of centuries. While there are no Republicans known to be left on Mars, scientists now have a theory that a huge comet struck Mars at some point, sucking up dirt, debris and Republican DNA. This comet then passed near enough to Earth to deposit its debris into our gravitational field. The Republican DNA then somehow became mixed with human DNA, eventually resulting in creatures like Dick Cheney, Karl Rove and Mitch McConnell. This theory explains why Republicans have no sense of humanity, no idea what makes our financial system work, and why their programs have no earthly connection to reality – they were designed for a completely different planet! Get the full details of the NASA report – before November!
The DNA you were born with contains all the instructions for the development and functioning of your body – so you might think it would be hard to make. But you’d be wrong. Since the 1869 discovery of DNA – the building blocks of life – so much has been learned about the composition and structure of it that scientists now can easily build their own. And so can you! If you don’t like the way your body has turned out – like the way you’re always catching colds, or your legs are too skinny – now you can change it by building a few strands of DNA and seeing what happens. You don’t need expensive equipment like microscopes or even test tubes. That’s because while your original DNA is extremely tiny, it doesn’t have to be! All you need is the Make Your Own DNA Kit. It contains everything required to build fully-functioning strings of DNA: 20 lengths of string, two glass test tubes, and 1-oz. vials of sugar, phosphate, adenine, cytosine, guanine and thymine. That’s it! Simply add water, mix the chemicals in the vials and dip the strings. Then coil them, lay them out to dry and presto! Real DNA, real fast. Now you don’t have to live with your body the way it is – you can change it almost overnight! Send for the Make Your Own DNA Kit today!
Make Your Own DNA Kit, $49.95
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