Venice sinking faster – under weight of tourists!

Every day, 30,000 visitors arrive in Venice from cruise ships alone.

Every day, 30,000 visitors arrive in Venice from cruise ships alone.

Thanks to its beautiful architecture and historical significance, the island city of Venice has attracted tourists for centuries. However, it has also been slowly sinking into the Mediterranean almost since it was built. Now scientists have discovered that Venice is sinking faster – and they blame tourists. “Look around you,” said one scientist from a boat on Venice’s Grand Canal. “The walkways of this town are so crowded with tourists, it’s hard to move, let alone walk. Every day, six or more cruise ships dock here, each carrying more than 5,000 people. At an average of 150 pounds per person, that adds up to 2,250 tons of tourists… and they all go to the same places. That doesn’t count the people coming in on airplanes, trains and tour buses. This city was never meant for so many people. It’s sinking measurably faster these days.” Many solutions have been proposed for the problem, including a suggestion to attract more midgets.

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Saturday, April 11th, 2015 Uncategorized No Comments

Ted Cruz stars in “Mission Impossible 5: Into the White House!”

Texas Senator Ted Cruz will have the starring role in a new Mission Impossible thriller!

Texas Senator Ted Cruz will have the starring role in a new Mission Impossible thriller!

After fifteen minutes of exploratory thinking and research, Texas senator Ted Cruz announced that he will be starring in a new Hollywood action thriller. “Mission Impossible 5: Into the White House” will be in the same vein as the other films in the franchise – unbelievable premise, tons of violence, and crazy plot twists. “I’ll be doing my own stunts, as usual,” said Cruz in announcing his new role. While his role in the film has been set, the script is far from finished. “We’re still looking for plausible plot lines,” said a GOP consultant. “Right now this might seem to be the most out-there fantasy project ever conceived, but with new dark-money legislation from Congress, we just might surprise people.”

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Monday, March 23rd, 2015 Uncategorized No Comments

Travel the world by giant rubber duck!

Looking like a giant rubber duck, the U.S.S. FriendShip will cruise the world demonstrating American friendliness.

Looking like a giant rubber duck, the U.S.S. FriendShip will cruise the world demonstrating American friendliness.

If you love to travel, crave attention, and want to show the world how friendly America is, here’s your chance to visit exotic ports on the world’s most unique cruise ship. The U.S. State Department is sponsoring a tour on the U.S.S. FriendShip, a fully-featured cruise ship built to look like a giant rubber duck. Carrying 2,300 passengers, and featuring all the amenities of a regular cruise ship, the FriendShip will visit major world ports and demonstrate America’s underlying warmheartedness. “No one who sees the FriendShip will doubt American intentions ever again,” said a State Department spokesman. “Any country that can produce a ship like this is a country that can be trusted.” The State Department is covering its bases, however. If the FriendShip is ever threatened, a hidden underwater door will open and nuclear torpedoes will be launched at the attacker.

Book your cruise now at

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Wednesday, December 4th, 2013 Uncategorized No Comments

Sign up for the Halloween Spooky Cruise – on the Costa Concordia!

Imagine staying in a stateroom on the Costa Concordia – before it's been cleaned!

Imagine staying in a stateroom on the Costa Concordia – before it’s been cleaned!

The Costa Concordia – the world’s spookiest cruise ship – is all set for the world’s spookiest cruise… just in time for Halloween. After spending 20 months underwater, the Costa Concordia has been raised and is floating again. But before the right side of the ship – the waterlogged side – is cleaned and repaired, cruise company officials are sending the ship on a cruise designed to appeal to thrill-seekers. When you book a stateroom on the Halloween Spooky Cruise, it’s guaranteed to be damp, dark, cold, messy, and totally scary – because you never know what you’ll find. After all, several former passengers haven’t been accounted for yet. In fact, if there’s one somewhere in your room, you’ll win a prize! The Halloween Spooky Cruise will sail to mystery ports, and guests will go on nighttime excursions to dark castles, ancient graveyards, and wild foreign nightspots. Onboard, you’ll be able to party all night and sleep during the day – if you can. Sign up for the 7-day Halloween Spooky Cruise today – Halloween is just around the corner.

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Wednesday, September 25th, 2013 Uncategorized No Comments

Vacation fast – on a cruise missile!

You're off on a Caribbean vacation you won't soon forget!

You’re off on a Caribbean vacation you won’t soon forget!

If you’re up for a scenic and relaxing Caribbean cruise – but can’t afford to take time off this summer – here’s the answer: the Caribbean Cruise Missile. Unlike the typical cruise ship, the Caribbean Cruise Missile travels fast – faster than the speed of sound. It can fly at treetop level, make turns, and return for a landing. In Florida, you’ll board your Caribbean Cruise Missile with two other couples, and be launched toward the Bahamas. You’ll circle Grand Key, Bahamas, and swoop down to beach level. Then you’ll be off to the Cayman Islands, where you’ll get a great view of the palm trees as you zoom overhead. Take a sip of wine from the pressurized delivery system, and relax to the piped-in Caribbean music. Make a sharp right turn and travel from one end of Jamaica to the other, taking in the fabulous waterfalls, jungles and beaches. Zip over to Cozumel, Mexico, and startle the bathers just twelve feet below, and view the Aztec ruins at Tulum. Then it’s back to Florida, where you’ll land safely and decompress. You’ll have enjoyed a complete two-week Caribbean cruise in just 45 minutes, and be back to work before anyone knows you were gone.

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Friday, July 12th, 2013 Uncategorized No Comments

Go on a cruise paid for by health insurance!

Take a luxurious cruise on a hospital ship, and let your health insurance pay for it.

Take a luxurious cruise on a hospital ship, and let your health insurance pay for it.

Based on their success with medical overcharging, the American Healthcare Industry is introducing a whole new concept – the Hospital Ship Cruise. Now you can see the world, relax on tropical islands, and tour historic places – all paid for by your health insurance on an individual-item basis. Book your stateroom aboard the Hospital Ship Mercy on a Caribbean cruise, for example. You’ll be charged $595 for a pillow, $6,900 for your window, $9,700 for a queen-size bed, $89 for a soap dish, and $98 for a tube of shampoo. In the restaurant, you’ll pay $49 for a fork, $30 for a spoon, $76 for a knife, $59 for butter, $386 for salmon, and $112 for a salad. While all those charges are outrageous – resulting in a two-week cruise that totals $1,765,909 – you won’t have to pay a dime if you have health insurance. That’s the American Healthcare system at work.

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Friday, May 24th, 2013 Uncategorized No Comments

Carnival Triumph breaks loose, escapes, robs two banks!

The Carnival Triumph has become the world's first rogue cruise ship, and was last seen in Mobile Bay heading for the Gulf of Mexico.

The Carnival Triumph has become the world’s first rogue cruise ship, and was last seen in Mobile Bay heading for the Gulf of Mexico.

The cruise ship Carnival Triumph has apparently turned to a life of crime. The ship, notorious for its crippling engine fire that resulted in the loss of power, air conditioning, toilets and food for thousands of passengers during a cruise in the Gulf of Mexico earlier this year, is controlled by a sophisticated computer system that has taken over the ship. While being docked at the Alabama Cruise Terminal in Mobile for repairs two nights ago, the Triumph’s computers caused a security guard to be tossed overboard, commandeered the ship and forced it to break free from its moorings. The ship then escaped down the Mobile River with no one on board. Hours later, after a failed attempt at breaking into an ATM machine south of Mobile, the cruise ship robbed a bank in Daphne, Alabama, got away with over $10,000, then robbed a second bank in Fairhope. A customer at the bank in Fairhope recognized the cruise ship, and alerted the Coast Guard. The Triumph is now somewhere in Mobile Bay, thought to be heading for the Gulf of Mexico.

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Friday, April 5th, 2013 Uncategorized No Comments

Go on an extreme adventure cruise!

On an extreme adventure cruise, you'll pass near volcanoes, through hurricanes and close to warring countries!

On an extreme adventure cruise, you’ll pass near volcanoes, through hurricanes and close to warring countries!

If you’re intrigued by the new trend of extreme adventure vacations – mountain climbing, parachuting, jungle trekking – but want the convenience of never having to unpack your luggage more than once, never having to worry about food, and always having a clean bed to return to, here’s good news. Norwegian Cruise Line is introducing the first Extreme Adventure Cruise on a new ship called the Norwegian Thunder. For two weeks, you’ll have your own cabin, all meals and plenty of onboard activities, but instead of visiting tropical islands or idyllic destinations, you’ll be taken through some of the most dangerous areas in the world. First, if there’s any hurricane activity in the area, the Captain will head directly for it. Following that, the ship will travel as close as possible to any island with volcanic activity, such as Santorini near Greece or Arenal in Costa Rica. The itinerary of the Norwegian Thunder will include passing through known danger zones for pirate activity, terrorist threats, and as close as possible to countries at war. You’ll experience the thrills of putting your life in danger, and still be able to go below decks for a nap, grab a snack in the café, or catch a Broadway show in the theater. The Norwegian Thunder is filling up fast, so if you’ve got a real thirst for adventure while not risking anything, book a cabin now!

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Sunday, January 20th, 2013 Uncategorized No Comments

Great new vacation idea – cruise the Antarctic!

The world’s first ice-breaking cruise ship makes the Antarctic Passage cruise one of the more exciting trips you’ll ever take!

If you’re looking for someplace to go on vacation that’s off the beaten path – way off – consider Norwegian Cruise Line’s 14-day Antarctic Passage cruise. There’s no place more beautiful at this time of year than the Antarctic – crystal blue skies, pure white snow, and mountains so far away you can hardly see them. Travel on the world’s first ice-breaking cruise ship, the Norwegian Snow Queen, to regions most people never experience. You’ll leave the Falkland Islands and plow through the Ross Ice Shelf to McMurdo Sound, where you’ll have your choice of unique excursions. Watch penguins play, laugh at gooney birds, and even witness the birth of an iceberg, all at a frosty 50 degrees below zero. Adding to the excitement, you can never be sure if the Norwegian Snow Queen will beat the advancing polar winter with its rapidly growing ice pack – and you could have many more days of fun than you expected, until you’re airlifted out by helicopter from the U. S. base at McMurdo. Book your cruise of a lifetime today – the Antarctic Passage!

14-day Antarctic Passage, from $2,500.

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Sunday, September 16th, 2012 Uncategorized No Comments

Take a secret vacation on a stealth cruise ship!

The NSA's secret stealth cruise ship is completely invisible to onlookers!

Unknown to the general public, the National Security Agency rewards its spies and secret operatives with vacation cruises – aboard the world’s only stealth cruise ship. The unnamed ship is not only invisible to radar, its technically-advanced light-bending optics make it invisible to any observer. That way the ship can visit any port – even small islands – completely unobtrusively, and the vacationing spies can melt into the landscape to relax on the beach and do a little shopping without anyone knowing. If you’d like to join them and take a luxurious cruise and inter-island vacation without looking like a tourist, now’s your chance. The NSA is allowing ten lucky people to join the next sailing of the stealth cruise ship. The only stipulation is that you don’t tell anyone you’re going, take no pictures, and never mention your vacation when you get back. The U.S. Government will disavow any knowledge of your trip, so your relaxing vacation will be a complete secret. Enter the drawing to win your stealth cruise today!

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Saturday, June 16th, 2012 Uncategorized No Comments

Sail the first cruise ship made entirely of ice!

The Icelandia is the first cruise ship constructed entirely of ice!

Following the success of hotels in Sweden and Quebec that are constructed entirely of ice, the Norwegian Cruise Line is announcing the first cruises on the only ship in the world made entirely of ice. The Icelandia is a full-size cruise ship, capable of carrying 2,000 passengers and 1,000 crew members. It features 25 restaurants, a full gym, 3 theaters that seat 300 people each, a gallery of shops, and more – all built entirely of ice. Every suite features furniture made of ice, including an ice bed and even a sink, toilet and shower made of ice. Naturally, the first cruises will be to Alaska and other cold destinations – because the ship will last longer in freezing temperatures. The Icelandia will eventually begin melting, and when it no longer can last for a two-week cruise, it will be allowed to disappear… and another ship will be constructed of ice to replace it, just as ice hotels are rebuilt every season. For travelers who want the ultimate in prestige cruises – and a unique conversation starter – a cruise on the Icelandia is the perfect vacation. Norwegian Cruise Line is accepting bookings starting February 1.

Book a cruise on the Icelandia

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Friday, January 13th, 2012 Uncategorized No Comments

No time for a long vacation? Try cruise racing!

A Caribbean cruise race is the ultimate in vacation efficiency!

Need to get away on a 10-day luxury cruise, but don’t have 10 days to spare? Caribbean cruise racing is the answer! In Caribbean cruise racing, two luxury cruise boats compete to visit all the stops and participate in all the tours and activities of a 10-day cruise… as fast as possible. It’s a unique vacation concept, and it lets you do everything you’ve need to do to unwind from everyday stress – but wastes no time. Board your luxury cruise ship and rush to your cabin as your captain hurriedly pulls out of the harbor ahead of the competing ship. Steaming at top speed through the warm Caribbean waters, you’ll be guided by special instructors through all shipboard activities in record time – fast ballroom dancing, speed swimming, rock wall repelling, and extreme racketball. Racing into each port, you’ll be whisked around town, stopping at all the attractions, and quickly back to the ship with a pre-loaded bag of souvenirs. Back on board, you’ll attend an abbreviated musical, magic show, comedy sketch troupe and short play. You’ll enjoy every activity and attraction of a 10-day cruise in four days– including 30 meals! And if your ship beats the other ship back to home port, you’ll receive a special prize. Cruise racing is the ultimate in vacation efficiency – but you’d better book soon… the other ship is filling up fast!

Caribbean Cruise Race, 4 days and 3 nights, $899 per person.


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Tuesday, April 5th, 2011 Uncategorized No Comments

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