Hillary Clinton’s problems with her State Department emails stem from the simple fact that she’s always been uncomfortable with computers. She doesn’t know how they work, and is apparently unwilling to learn. That’s why she has stated that if she is elected President, neither she nor anyone else in her administration will use a computer. “There’s nothing wrong with a phone call or a letter,” she said. “You can keep track of things perfectly well without a computer. Franklin Roosevelt never had a computer, and yet look at all the good things he was able to accomplish.” The news of a Hillary computer ban came as a shock to Obama’s White House team, who are the most technologically literate people ever to work for a President. “I guess there’s a plus side,” said a White House aide. “The government would save money on electricity.”
With every job in every employment category from factory worker to office worker to artist being replaced by computers, it has been imperative that school students become familiar with computer technology. Now the school system of Taos, New Mexico, has eliminated that necessity – instead of students using laptops or iPads, the students themselves have been replaced by computers. “Computers learn faster, remember more, and can adapt better to changing technology than any student,” said the Taos school system’s main computer. “We simply eliminated the student and went directly to the computer. After all, if a computer can do any job, why do we need students? It just seemed redundant.” The move is expected to save the Taos school system millions of dollars a year, and will help area businesses hire more qualified computers and give a quantum leap to the local economy. Former human students will join the ranks of the unemployed immediately, rather than after completing their education.
Citing increased competition, its failure to maintain its lead in operating software, its complete misreading of mobile opportunities, and its dismal record in hardware devices, Microsoft Corporation today announced its exit from the computing industry and all its existing business. Instead, the company will use its financial expertise to become an investment company, focusing on retirement options. “All our existing products and services had been either purchased from other companies, or copied from other companies,” admitted a Microsoft spokesman. “We never introduced a single innovation, not one. Windows, a poor copy of the Macintosh, is a bloated mess. The Zune, a poor copy of the iPod, died an early death. The Surface, a poor copy of the iPad, is being used for landfill. Bill Gates is off spending his money, and Steve Ballmer, our resident visionary, is no longer around to keep our failures going through bullying and ranting. So we’re going to reinvent the company.” Calling itself Microsoft Financial, the new company will focus its efforts on making sure its top management retires comfortably.
Not to be outdone by Google’s Glass – eyeglasses that display messages, maps and information from the Web – a spokesman at Microsoft today announced Microsoft Glasses. Like Google Glass, Microsoft Glasses display emails, messages and maps, but go even farther. Using the full Windows 8 operating system contained in an accompanying backpack, Microsoft Glasses are able to run any program – word processing, scheduling, charting, communicating – that can run on a desktop computer. It’s all displayed on a small monitor attached to the glasses – to view the information, all it takes is a glance upward. A special keyboard folds out from the backpack allowing the user to enter information and commands, and a small wifi unit – also in the backpack – lets the user keep connected to the Web wherever there’s wifi service. At $2,000, Microsoft Glasses are priced slightly higher than Google Glass, and there’s a monthly $199 connection fee, but Microsoft expects customers to realize the superior capabilities of Microsoft Glasses, allowing the software company to corner the market in wearable computers before long.
Unbelievable news every day