computer

Ancient Egyptian website discovered!

This ancient website is the oldest one ever found.

This ancient website is the oldest one ever found.

In a completely unexpected development, a Japanese team of archeologists working in the necropolis city of Thebes in Egypt have uncovered a 5,500-year-old website – the oldest one ever discovered. The website featured dozens of links, but when the archeologists tried them, they all failed, producing a message in hieroglyphics. When translated, the message was “404 Not Found.” The archeologists have called in computer experts in hopes of getting the site to work. 

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Thursday, November 13th, 2014 Uncategorized No Comments

Forget Google Glass – meet the Apple iPatch!

Apple's new iPatch features a web-enabled computer – and makes a definite fashion statement.

Apple’s new iPatch features a web-enabled computer – and makes a definite fashion statement.

Instead of simply producing the expected iWatch, which everyone had been speculating about, Apple again surprised the world with a revolutionary product. Apple’s new iPatch™ is a sophisticated web-enabled computer with a display that sits right in front of your eye and lets you communicate with the world effortlessly. You can target any object or person and find out all information about it online, take video, send it to someone, post on Facebook, find directions, get the weather and news reports, read an e-book, make a phone call, watch a movie, get email, watch TV, play games, and get the time. “The iPatch is the most incredible product we’ve ever made,” said Apple CEO Tim Cook in introducing the iWatch. “It features technology that other companies will take years to copy. Plus we think it makes a great fashion statement.”

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Sunday, June 1st, 2014 Uncategorized No Comments

Obama fixes HealthCare.gov website himself!

Standing in front of a sign he made himself, President Obama announces that he has personally fixed the government's healthcare website.

Standing in front of a sign he made himself, President Obama announces that he has personally fixed the government’s healthcare website.

Fed up with the incompetent website programmers who made a mess of the new healthcare website, HealthCare.gov, President Obama took on the project himself and personally fixed the site to meet his self-imposed deadline. “I didn’t know anything about programming, so I glanced through a couple programming books and made a typical ‘Hello World’ type program,” said the President. “Then I took the HealthCare.gov code, relinked the external site connections, rewrote the data entry format, reordered the information load sequences, eliminated all the memory leaks, established proper entry requirements, and rebuilt the entire database. Now I’m going to get back to playing Candy Crush.”

 

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Saturday, November 30th, 2013 Uncategorized No Comments

Desktop iPhone to complete Apple product lineup!

Its 27-inch screen lets the iPhone Desk display dozens of apps.

Its 27-inch screen lets the iPhone Desk display dozens of apps.

Apple now makes powerful desktop computers, laptops, ultra-light laptops, tablets and new iPhones that are basically pocket computers. The only thing missing was a desktop machine that can make phone calls – until now. This morning Apple CEO Tim Cook announced in a special call to investors that the technology company will be introducing the iPhone Desk, the world’s first desktop smartphone. With its 27-inch screen and running the new Apple operating system called Mavericks, the iPhone Desk combines the versatility of an iPhone 5s with the raw power of a Mac Pro 12-core desktop computer, giving it unprecedented capabilities – such as the ability to make 1,200 FaceTime phone calls simultaneously. Cook wouldn’t say when the iPhone Desk would be on the market, but Apple watchers estimate that the device would be ready by Spring.

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Friday, October 4th, 2013 Uncategorized No Comments

Chile earthquake caused by hackers!

A modern seismograph can be hacked into to cause earthquakes, rather than measure them.

A modern seismograph can be hacked into to cause earthquakes, rather than measure them.

A powerful earthquake measuring 6.8 on the Richter scale struck off the coast of Chile overnight. While it did no damage, the earthquake was apparently not caused by natural forces. Instead, a group of computer hackers based in Denmark has claimed responsibility for the quake. Using sophisticated techniques, the group Disrupt hacked into a bank of seismographs in Chile, planting a unique virus that caused the seismographs – which measure earthquake activity – to actually force an earthquake to happen. This disturbing occurrence worries international authorities. If earthquakes can be initiated by computer hacking, terrorists could theoretically destroy many areas of the world that sit over faults – areas like California, Japan, Turkey, Iran and others.

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Monday, May 20th, 2013 Uncategorized No Comments

Now! The first cologne designed by computer!

Now! was designed by a supercomputer to be a perfect match for everyone.

Now! was designed by a supercomputer to be a perfect match for everyone.

It used to take teams of talented scent designers to come up with a new cologne – people who used their extensive knowledge of fragrances and how they enhance each other. With the advent of supercomputers, that talent and experience is no longer necessary. A group of scientists programmed a supercomputer with all known fragrances, all the elements in human skin and perspiration, and every possible combination of DNA to come up with the optimum cologne scent. The result – obtained in only fifteen minutes – is a cologne that is perfect for everyone. Called Now!, the new cologne is a proprietary blend of natural fragrances like heather and coffee, combined with unexpected tones of cadmium, Vitamin B12, parakeet breath, roofing shingles, glass, bananas, wool, paper towels, transistors, and old National Geographics. That unique combination, which was never suspected by any fragrance expert, blends with every skin type and DNA combination that exists – which means it’s the ideal cologne for everyone.

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Friday, May 17th, 2013 Uncategorized No Comments

Microsoft announces Qbox – the world’s first quantum gaming console!

The Qbox can outperform the fastest supercomputers today – and it's only $299.95!

The Qbox can outperform the fastest supercomputers today – and it’s only $299.95!

The next step in computing has arrived, from an unexpected source. Leapfrogging the world’s top computer companies, Microsoft has created the world’s first quantum computer in a gaming console. Up until now existing only in theory, quantum computers are hundreds or thousands of times faster than traditional computers. That’s because instead of operating with ones and zeroes that are stored in memory, a quantum computer works with photons, or Qbits, that can represent either ones, zeroes or both at the same time. That means the quantum computer can perform trillions of calculations per second, and solve problems in minutes that the fastest supercomputers take weeks to do. But Microsoft’s accomplishment is more than that – at only $299.95, their Qbox is only slightly more than an Xbox. The Qbox provides seamless photographic video and real-time simulation of the most complex scenes ever produced in a completely immersive 3D experience. The first games for the Qbox are Mario Space Trip, featuring totally authentic rocket launches, space station docking, and planetary travel, and Rogue State, a first-person shooter featuring authentic weapons, military hardware and troop movements in missions to Iran, North Korea, and Syria. The Pentagon has already ordered 1,000 Qboxes to use in military planning.

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Friday, March 29th, 2013 Uncategorized No Comments

Capital “h” shortage catches experts by surprise!

The proliferation of emails is blamed for the shortage of capital "h's."

The proliferation of emails is blamed for the shortage of capital “h’s.”

In an entirely unexpected development, the world is apparently running out of capital “h’s.” Once thought to be available in unlimited quantities, letters and numbers have been used indiscriminately. The shortage of capital “h” is thought to be due to the rise of emails, of which hundreds of billions are sent each day. Many of the most popular words beginning a sentence in an email start with “h,” such as “hopefully,” “however,” “ha-ha-ha,” “how are you?” and, of course, “hi.” This unfettered use of capital “h” has led to its scarcity, and it has completely disappeared in major metropolitan areas. If you want to preserve what’s left of the supply of capital “h’s,” experts warn, you should use only lower-case h’s, even for sentences that start with an “h,” or proper nouns like “hamburg” and “harry.” Having become aware of the problem, experts also say that capital “t’s” are also in danger of disappearing, although there seem to be more of them available in China and Japan, where they’re seldom used.

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Monday, February 4th, 2013 Uncategorized No Comments

Send email – just by thinking!

With ThinkMail, you simply think your message, and it’s automatically sent by email!

Cognitive and machine-learning scientists at MIT have developed a way to control a computer with your thoughts – and their first product on the market lets you send an email just by thinking it! Called ThinkMail™, the device looks like an ordinary Bluetooth headset. When your laptop or smartphone is within 150 feet, the ThinkMail device will establish a connection and begin reading and analyzing your brainwaves. When it detects that you’re thinking of communicating with someone by email, ThinkMail opens your email app and contact information. To begin the message, simply think of the recipient, actually visualizing the person’s name. ThinkMail reads your thought and opens a new message to that person from your contacts. Using sophisticated algorithms, ThinkMail then turns your following thoughts into English and transcribes the sentences into the email program. You can view the message on your laptop or phone for accuracy, if you wish. Finally, simply think “send,” and ThinkMail sends the email. If you send many emails throughout the day, ThinkMail will save you hours of tedious typing.

ThinkMail Thought-controlled Email Module, $199.95

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Monday, December 17th, 2012 Uncategorized No Comments

Get used to Windows 8 – fast!

Windows 8 will have you scratching your head – until you get used to it.

Microsoft’s newest operating system, Windows 8, is a break from the past. Until now, all Windows versions built upon the previous one, so you could transition to the new version seamlessly. Now, that’s all changed. Windows 8 is Microsoft’s way of coping with the changing landscape of computing – unlike previous versions of Windows, it will run on desktops, laptops, smartphones and tablets. So now, instead of the typical Windows desktop screen with its familiar Start button, you’re faced with an array of colorful “tiles.” To open an application, you “peel off” the tiles, arrange them into a picture of what you want to do, then “paste” the tiles into position. These pictures are known as “mosaics,” which you can save in “frames” on your “wall.” Scroll through your walls and view your mosaics, and you can modify them to perform different functions, clicking on different areas. With a bit of programming, you can actually create a way to open your email or Office application with only a few clicks and swipes! With Windows 8, you’ll be able to use your desktop machine as a tablet, a smartphone as a mouse, and a tablet as a high-tech paperweight. If you’re used to previous versions of Windows, you’ll need to get familiar with Windows 8, and the fastest way is with our book, This is Windows 8 – Get Used To It!, which will have you coping with the new operating system in just eight weeks.

This is Windows 8 – Get Used To It!, 842 pp., $49.95

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Sunday, October 21st, 2012 Uncategorized No Comments

Beam yourself wherever you want to go!

With a StarBeamer, you can travel instantaneously anywhere in the world!

Molecular biologists and computer scientists have joined forces to create a way to beam a human body from one place to another. Previously in the realm of science fiction, beaming has become a reality through newly developed technologies. Now available to the public, the innovative StarBeamer™ device resembles a futuristic tanning bed. Inside are a powerful computer and a laser-powered device that resembles a medical CAT scanner. Step into the StarBeamer, close the lid and turn on the device, and the scanner makes a high-definition 3D scan of your body, and turns the information into digital data. The StarBeamer then uses ultrasonic vibrations to disassemble the molecules of your body, and using sophisticated algorithms, the computer wirelessly beams the molecules and data to the receiving StarBeamer that can be located anywhere in the world. The receiving unit uses the digital data to reassemble your body, and 30 minutes later, you step out of the unit somewhere else in the world. For now, the only drawback is that you must physically take the receiving StarBeamer to wherever you want to go, then come back and beam yourself there. For now, that’s a minor inconvenience for the opportunity to travel like a futuristic space explorer.

StarBeamer Teleportation System, sending and receiving units, $245,000.

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Monday, August 20th, 2012 Uncategorized No Comments

Update your brain’s software for better performance!

Brain Operating System 2.0 will completely update your brain and its neural pathways, making you more intelligent.

New research has shown that the faster your brain’s neural pathways are, the better your prefrontal cortex can communicate with the rest of your brain and improve memory, concentration and overall intelligence. But chances are, you’ve never updated your brain’s original Brain Operating System, so your brain isn’t operating at its optimal performance level. Over time, your neural pathways become slower, making your memory fragmented and limiting your intelligence. But now you can quickly and easily revitalize those pathways by updating your Brain Operating System at home! Brain Operating System 2.0 is now available from Intelligence Systems, letting you use your home computer to improve your brain’s function overnight. BOS 2.0 comes with everything you need – four brain sensors that attach to a USB port, a map of the brain, and complete instructions. Simply download the BOS 2.0 software, connect the four brain sensors to your forehead according to the brain map, start the program, and presto! In 30 minutes, your brain will be completely updated – your memory will be defragmented, your neural pathways will be optimized, and you’ll be thinking faster and better than ever. It’s the best investment you’ll ever make.

Brain Operating System 2.0 Kit (specify male or female),$69.95

 

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Wednesday, August 1st, 2012 Uncategorized No Comments

Now – store all your sensitive information in your jewelry!

The sapphire in this beautiful ring is capable of storing 900 megabytes of data – for one million years!

Scientists have figured out how to create the world’s longest-lasting computer data storage device – the information is inscribed in a sapphire! One sapphire can hold many megabytes of data, and will last for millions of years. Now you can be sure all your sensitive information will be safe forever – and you can wear it at the same time! Now this incredible jewelry is being made available to the public. The new Safe-Fire™ jewelry line features rings, pendants, necklaces, brooches, bracelets, money clips and watches, each with up to ten data sapphires holding up to 7 terabytes of your most sensitive information. You can store documents, data, photos, videos, PowerPoint presentations, anything digital – and you can be sure it will last at least a million years, or your money back. The information stored on Safe-Fire sapphires can never be corrupted or erased. With Safe-Fire jewelry, you can take all your information with you wherever you go – and look good doing it.

www.safefiredatajewelry.com

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Saturday, July 14th, 2012 Uncategorized No Comments

Have a computer write your resume!

Now you can have a perfectly composed, targeted resume in seconds!

Using recent advances in machine learning, data analysis and language algorithms, news organizations are now using computers to automatically generate news and sports articles. These new advances in automation are now available for anyone to use – and what better way than to write your resume! A new and innovative computer program called MyResume takes your education history, employment history, job performance, awards, accomplishments, career goals and other data, and generates a resume that is not only compelling, but avoids all typical resume clichés, is tailored to the company you’re targeting, and is updated on a daily basis! All you do is fill in a form, adding dates and all relevant information, then a list of companies you’d like to work for, and hit the “enter” button. Instantly, MyResume will create dozens – even hundreds – of perfectly composed, completely updated resumes, each slightly different. Each resume will be targeted to a particular company, with all your accomplishments and goals showing how you’d be a perfect fit at that company. MyResume even searches online to discover any relevant employment opportunities at each company, and inserts that information into your career goals. You can even have MyResume automatically email your resume to any company with a similar employment opportunity it finds! There’s no easier way to be sure you always have perfectly composed, completely relevant and updated resumes ready to send out on a moment’s notice!

MyResume automatic resume generator, $59.95

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Thursday, July 12th, 2012 Uncategorized No Comments

New superconducting laptop will never overheat!

The Dell Superion doubles as a block of ice to cool your foods!

Taking advantage of new discoveries in superconductivity – speeding electrical signals through supercold circuits – Dell is introducing the world’s fastest laptop. Called the Dell Superion™, this new laptop runs at “petaflop” speeds approaching the theoretical maximum – speeds that until now were available only on the fastest supercomputers. These speeds are possible thanks to the Superion’s cooling system, which uses liquid nitrogen to bring the circuits and CPU down to near absolute zero. As a result, the Superion will never get uncomfortably warm on your lap – in fact, it comes with specially insulated pants that should be worn when operating the machine to protect your legs from becoming frozen. Also available is a special picnic cooler that lets you use the Superion as a block of ice to keep foods cold. If you need to get your work done superfast, and hate laptops that overheat, check out the Dell Superion today.

Dell Superion Super Laptop, $4,999.

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Thursday, May 31st, 2012 Uncategorized No Comments

Amazing Luddite™ tablet computer uses no power!

The new tablet computer from Luddite Industries is ultra-reliable!

Here’s the ultimate in computer convenience! This new tablet computer from Luddite Industries has a screen size of 9.7 inches and weighs just 3 ounces – yet can handle all your word processing, calculating, gaming, drawing and communication needs! And unlike every other tablet computer on the market, it uses absolutely no power! So there are no batteries to recharge, nothing to plug in. The Luddite tablet computer even features instant print-outs, so you’ll never lose your work. And you can work anywhere, anytime, without needing a printer! The glare-free screen is perfect for working in any light – even full sunlight! Plus, the Luddite tablet computer is simple to operate, with no training or lessons needed. The Luddite tablet computer comes with a special graphite stylus, and three steel clips for attachments like spreadsheets, photos or documents. There’s never been a tablet computer this lightweight, this easy to operate, or this inexpensive! Don’t let another day go by without it!

Luddite™ tablet computer, $49.95

 

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Wednesday, March 16th, 2011 Uncategorized 1 Comment

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