Not content with building artificial islands in the South China Sea to expand its influence in the area, China has claimed that the Texas-size floating mass of plastic, sludge and refuse known as the Great Pacific Garbage Patch is actually Chinese territory. “We have examined the items in the patch and have determined that most are Chinese products exported overseas,” said a spokesman for Beijing. “Therefore we claim the patch as our territory, which we will use as a base for building airstrips, harbors, and other facilities. We warn nearby countries that this new Chinese territory includes fishing, mining and mineral rights for two hundred miles in each direction.” Nations in the South Pacific, including Japan, Korea, and the Philippines are rushing to file lawsuits in International courts to dispute China’s claims. “We are afraid China will work to solidify the Pacific Garbage Patch and build missile bases, submarine bases and other military installations to threaten the area,” said a spokesman for the Japanese government.
Proving that they are technologically decades ahead of the U.S., The Chinese military revealed that they not only have stealth fighters that are completely invisible – but the fighters take off from invisible aircraft carriers. “This is a real problem,” said a Pentagon spokesman. “Both the planes and the ships are invisible to the eye as well as radar. We have no idea where they are or what they’re doing. They could be stationed in the Great Lakes and be buzzing O’Hare for all we know.” An Air Force general has proposed that citizens who hear invisible aircraft overhead call the Pentagon. “That’s the only way we’ll know where these planes are,” he said.
Working throughout the night, Republican and Democratic leaders have hammered out a plan that will prevent the federal government from shutting down on Oct. 1 – even if no budget agreement is reached. Instead of having to close down federal departments and services when the present budget expires, the entire federal government will be operated by China. “The Chinese have generously offered to take over any federal offices, services and departments that would be impacted by our budget problem,” said a federal spokesman. “They have benefitted greatly from our economy, and they don’t want to see any slowdown in our activity,” the spokesman continued. “They have the manpower, intimate knowledge of our operations, and complete integration of our computer systems, which they’ve been developing on their own initiative over the past few years. They’ll have no problem operating our government remotely from overseas. We thank the Chinese government for their assistance in this time of need.” Republican leader John Boehner and President Obama both extended their thanks and appreciation to the Chinese, relieved that a government shutdown has been averted.
Proving that he actually believes that corporations are people, former Presidential candidate Mitt Romney and his wife Ann announced that they are adopting a young Chinese corporation that had lost its headquarters in an earthquake. All 1,563 employees of Xi Xang Industries will move into the Romneys’ home, each with their own bedroom. Each employee will change his or her last name to Romney, and Mitt and Ann will provide each one with a college education, a new car and a polo pony. “It’s our privilege to be able to provide a corporation like this – that has gone through such a devastating loss – with a warm, supportive home,” said Romney. “If everyone would do it, what a wonderful, profitable world this would be.”
Leave it to the Chinese to make money from adversity. Due to industrial pollution, vehicle exhaust, and unprecedented amounts of smoke from agriculture activity, the air quality in China’s capital Beijing is the poorest in the world. Citizens of that city must wear face masks to avoid becoming ill from the deadly combination of chemicals. But Chinese officials are capitalizing on the situation by actually exporting their lethal smog – as a pesticide. Now you can buy cans of Beijing Smog™ to spray wherever you have household or garden pests. Rats, mice, gophers, moles, bedbugs, even cockroaches – no pest can survive a single dose of Beijing Smog. You must wear appropriate protection when applying Beijing Smog indoors, remove any pets and leave the house for a few hours after an application. But when you return, no pest will be found alive.
Beijing Smog pesticide, $4.95/can
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