Not content with building artificial islands in the South China Sea to expand its influence in the area, China has claimed that the Texas-size floating mass of plastic, sludge and refuse known as the Great Pacific Garbage Patch is actually Chinese territory. “We have examined the items in the patch and have determined that most are Chinese products exported overseas,” said a spokesman for Beijing. “Therefore we claim the patch as our territory, which we will use as a base for building airstrips, harbors, and other facilities. We warn nearby countries that this new Chinese territory includes fishing, mining and mineral rights for two hundred miles in each direction.” Nations in the South Pacific, including Japan, Korea, and the Philippines are rushing to file lawsuits in International courts to dispute China’s claims. “We are afraid China will work to solidify the Pacific Garbage Patch and build missile bases, submarine bases and other military installations to threaten the area,” said a spokesman for the Japanese government.
In 1974, farmers near the Chinese town of X’ian uncovered one of the world’s greatest treasures – 8,000 ancient warriors made of terra cotta. 2,200 years ago, China’s first emperor Qin had the figures made to guard his body in the afterlife. The Terra Cotta Warriors have been a tourist attraction for decades, but only recently have Chinese archeologists made a new discovery nearby – Qin had wanted financial protection, too, so he had his sculptors make 2,000 terra cotta accountants. “These accountants had all the papers and records from the emperor, and were ready to prove his expenses and income to any gods who might have questioned him,” said an archeologist. “It simply shows that Qin’s organizational ability and foresight were greater than we thought.”
Proving that they are technologically decades ahead of the U.S., The Chinese military revealed that they not only have stealth fighters that are completely invisible – but the fighters take off from invisible aircraft carriers. “This is a real problem,” said a Pentagon spokesman. “Both the planes and the ships are invisible to the eye as well as radar. We have no idea where they are or what they’re doing. They could be stationed in the Great Lakes and be buzzing O’Hare for all we know.” An Air Force general has proposed that citizens who hear invisible aircraft overhead call the Pentagon. “That’s the only way we’ll know where these planes are,” he said.
Not content to have the biggest, the most, the highest, the fastest, and the most modern of everything, China has now decided it has outgrown Planet Earth and is beginning to construct an entire new planet of its own. To be called Chrysanthemum, the new planet will be bigger than Earth, according to Chinese sources. Using the newest construction techniques and materials, Chinese companies are assembling the planet’s support structure in a remote province of China. Two thousand mountains have been bulldozed for basic building materials, and twenty factories are busy turning out high-strength steel for the planet’s skeleton. Planet Chrysanthemum is expected to take twenty years to build, but its basic structure will be launched from Earth using special gravity spin-off techniques. The planet will then be completed using thousands of supply rockets which will travel up to it on a regular schedule. A knowledgeable source said of the project, “Why are the Chinese building a whole planet? Because they can.”
Stealth technology that makes aircraft invisible to radar has been around for decades. Now those same principles have been applied to army tanks, but with a twist – they’re also invisible to the eye! The U.S. Army’s S-100 Battle Tank cannot be seen even at 50 yards, making it the Army’s most deadly weapon. The S-100 is computer-controlled, enabling it to detect up to 1,000 targets at a time at distances of up to ten miles, and fire its million-watt laser cannon 10 times a second, turning to focus on each target. The Army won’t say where the S-100 battalions are deployed, but observers speculate they have been operating in Russia and China for a year, completely undetected.
Created thousands of years ago, the Chinese written language is one of the most complicated in the world. Instead of individual letters, written Chinese uses pictograms to represent words and phrases. The number of different pictograms has swelled to over 1.5 million, making learning to read and write a daunting task for Chinese children. As new words and terms come into usage, new combinations of these ancient pictograms must be assembled to represent them. Written Chinese, Japanese and related languages are thus at a distinct – and even crippling – disadvantage as modern technology advances. For example, the terms “cell phone” are written in pictograms that can be translated as “person talk mechanical small,” but also could be read as “ventriloquist dummy,” “voice-activated ATM machine,” or “television.” In addition, the complicated pictograms become unreadable at smaller sizes – so it’s no wonder the Chinese invented reading glasses. Yet the Chinese language can be written using the sounds of the letters of the Western alphabet. For this reason, the government of China has decreed that beginning next year, the Chinese language will no longer be written using pictograms, but instead use the more adaptable 26 letters of the Western alphabet. As a spokesman for the government put it, “The field is now level. Now we’ll get somewhere.”
In its attempt to control the growth of its population, China has long forbidden large families. Now the Chinese government has taken the first step to loosen tight restrictions – as of January 1, little Chinese girls will allowed to own more than one doll. “Up until now, girls have been forbidden to even think about taking care of more than one child,” said a Chinese government official. “That’s why they couldn’t have more than one doll. But now they can have two dolls, if they receive the proper permit. This is a huge advance for China, demonstrating our openness and forward thinking as we lead the world into the future.”
If you’re into adventure vacations, here’s a great one. The government of China has decided to rebuild its most famous tourist attraction, the Great Wall of China. The Wall, thousands of years old and stretching 5,500 miles across China, is crumbling, and will become a pile of rubble if nothing is done. Since the project is so big, the Chinese government is asking for volunteers to help reconstruct the parts of the wall that have fallen completely down. Rather than use modern construction machinery, the wall will be rebuilt using traditional methods. As a volunteer, you’ll carry loads of bricks and stones in a sack on your back from the brick kiln at the bottom of the mountain on a winding path to the top, where you’ll dump your load and start back down. After six weeks, you and hundreds of other volunteers will have helped rebuild four feet of the Great Wall, and can point to your accomplishment with pride. This exciting work will give you a greater appreciation for ancient building methods, plus the Chinese words for “Hurry up,” “More,” and variety of colorful swear words.
Escalating the legal war between itself and China over a group of islands in the East China Sea, Japan has seized one island and turned it into a warship. The 40-acre island of Kitakojima was armed with huge gun turrets, missile launchers and an airstrip – then, in a massive and unprecedented project, was actually cut off from its base and floated out into the ocean. Kitakojima was then fitted with powerful engines, becoming the world’s largest warship, and was driven towards Japan. China was understandably angered by the move, and vows to get the former island back somehow. The Kitakojima is now in drydock in Japan, becoming armor-plated and acquiring a crew. When completed, the Kitakojima will cruise through the East China Sea and other areas around Japan as a show of strength.
Your favorite snack food has returned. Twinkies are again available in a store near you – but they’re not the same. After the Twinkies brand was bought from Hostess by Apollo Global, production of the tasty treat was moved to China, where it has undergone extensive renovation. For one thing, instead of being churned out by machine at a rate of thousands per minute, the new Twinkies are made by hand. In a baking room the size of four football fields, thousands of Chinese women simultaneously mix ingredients, bake the Twinkie, and insert the cream filling with a hand baster. While seeming to be a more expensive way to create Twinkies, labor rates in China make it ten times more cost-effective. In addition, the time-honored Twinkie recipe has been changed to increase shelf life. The new Twinkies will now remain shelf-stable and edible for up to 2,000 years, an increase of 500 years over the old recipe.
The new holder of the title World’s Largest Building, the New Century Global Center in Chengdu, China, is immense. The building is so huge, it has its own climate, including an artificial sun. Besides four shopping malls, two hotels, and an indoor lake with islands, beaches and boats, the New Century Global Center features a full-size replicas of the Pentagon, the Sydney Opera House, the Great Pyramid of Giza, and the Kremlin, plus a picturesque English village – with its own citizens – a working auto factory, a forest, a section of the Amazon with tribes of Indians, and beyond that, several square miles of unexplored territory.
Continuing its bid to control more of the seas, and retake some islands that the Chinese consider to be rightfully theirs – like the Japanese island of Kyushu – the Chinese Navy recently launched the world’s most modern missile frigate. Besides being equipped with stealth technology that makes it invisible to radar, plus electromagnetic defenses that protect against missiles and torpedoes, the Jiangdao-class frigate called the Jinping features innovative technology that uses 3D optical computer projection to alter its appearance to any nearby observers on ships, submarines or planes. Instead of appearing as a modern missile frigate, the Jinping appears to be a harmless old, picturesque Chinese fishing junk. This appearance will allow the Jinping to approach its enemies much closer before attacking with its phalanx of deadly anti-ship and anti-aircraft missiles. Chinese Navy commander Wu Shengli emphasized the importance of mastering its equipment and capabilities amid ongoing maritime disputes, according to a front-page article Tuesday in the PLA Daily newspaper, published by the People’s Liberation Army.
Leave it to the Chinese to make money from adversity. Due to industrial pollution, vehicle exhaust, and unprecedented amounts of smoke from agriculture activity, the air quality in China’s capital Beijing is the poorest in the world. Citizens of that city must wear face masks to avoid becoming ill from the deadly combination of chemicals. But Chinese officials are capitalizing on the situation by actually exporting their lethal smog – as a pesticide. Now you can buy cans of Beijing Smog™ to spray wherever you have household or garden pests. Rats, mice, gophers, moles, bedbugs, even cockroaches – no pest can survive a single dose of Beijing Smog. You must wear appropriate protection when applying Beijing Smog indoors, remove any pets and leave the house for a few hours after an application. But when you return, no pest will be found alive.
Beijing Smog pesticide, $4.95/can
China is rushing to prove it can be just as technologically advanced as the rest of the world. Recently, it simultaneously produced an extreme-deep-diving submarine, a world-class supercomputer, and a spacecraft that carries three astronauts. However, in the rush to demonstrate all three, a committee of Chinese scientists somehow mixed them up. This resulted in launching the submarine into space, the spacecraft being installed in a computer center, and the supercomputer being sent to the bottom of the ocean. The people responsible for this embarrassing series of events have been sent to work on various farms, and the Chinese government is now actively looking for someone to keep track of the technological advancements of the country and make sure nothing like this happens again. If you’re a detail person, can make and keep schedules, have administrative experience and are familiar with Excel, you could be the one who keeps China’s incredible accomplishments on track and demonstrated successfully. Apply to the China Central Technology Authority today.