Not content just to leave the European Union, Britain today voted to leave the Earth. “We not only don’t need Europe,” said former London mayor Boris Johnson, “we don’t need the rest of the world. We can get along just fine by ourselves. We’ve got everything we need, really.” Britain plans to take itself off the planet and into orbit around the sun later this year. “Once we eject some undesirable immigrants and European commuters, we’ll be off and away,” said Johnson. Just how that is going to be done is not clear, although Johnson said they are working on “some sort of hyper loop technology, or something. We’ll figure it out.”
British archeologists working with ground-penetrating radar have revealed amazing structures buried underneath Stonehenge. “We were astounded by what the ancient Britons had built,” said a spokesman for the National History Exploratory Society. “Not only were there rooms and walkways, but we found an entire shopping mall built 6,000 years ago. The mall apparently contained shops, theaters and even a food court where ancient Druids, shepherds and visitors could buy seasonal items. The fact that it’s directly beneath Stonehenge advances the theory that the massive stones were arranged to be used as a shopping reminder, telling the Druids how many shopping days were left until Solstice.” Plans have already been made to carefully excavate the ancient shopping center and return it to its original condition.
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