astronomy

Alien megastructure found circling star!

Is this an alien structure or a giant list cloud? You be the judge.

Is this an alien structure or a giant dust cloud? You be the judge.

Scientists examining data from NASA’s Kepler telescope have discovered something that they say “looks like what you’d expect from an alien civilization.” Others are not so sure. “It appears to be a huge structure orbiting the star KIC8462852… but we can’t tell exactly what it is. It could be a  giant dust cloud, or a swarm of comets,” said an astronomer who looked at the data. All agree the structure behaves in an unnatural way, and appears to give off massive amounts of energy. “We’ll just have to do more number crunching,” said a scientist. “But some of us are really excited.”

Tags: , , ,

Friday, October 16th, 2015 Uncategorized No Comments

Earth’s “bigger, older cousin” asks for money!

Earth's distant cousin is the first planet to contact us – asking for money.

Earth’s distant cousin is the first planet to contact us – asking for money.

NASA said its Kepler spacecraft has discovered a planet that strongly resembles Earth. “It’s Earth’s bigger, older cousin,” said a NASA spokesman. “It’s literally a distant relation.” The new planet, Kepler 452-B, is in a habitable zone of a star similar to our sun. Upon discovering the planet, NASA scientists were shocked to receive a message from it. “Apparently Kepler 452-B discovered us at the same time,” said the spokesman. “And we received proof that the planet is related to us. The message was from a human-like race that basically asked for money. They claim their planet is undergoing tough times. Their orbit was reduced, they lost two moons to another planet, and a bunch of other complaints.” NASA hasn’t said whether Earth will send money to Kepler 452-B. “We might send a check,” said the spokesman.

Tags: , , , , , ,

Friday, July 24th, 2015 Uncategorized No Comments

Astronomers discover the largest thing in the universe – Donald Trump’s ego!

Donald Trump's supermassive ego is the largest thing ever identified by humanity.

Donald Trump’s supermassive ego is the largest thing ever identified by humanity.

Astronomers at Eotvos Lorand University in Budapest have announced that they have discovered what they are calling the largest individual structure ever identified by humanity. It’s not a galaxy or cluster of galaxies. It’s not even a structure in the usual sense. It’s a supermassive ego cloud, and strings of it loop for trillions of lightyears around the universe and converge on one human being: Donald Trump. “It’s the first external ego ever found,” said an astronomer. “And it’s obviously the biggest. There’s no room in the universe for another one like that.” The effects of Donald Trump’s supermassive ego had been spotted years ago, but never traced to Trump himself. Reached by reporters, Donald Trump said “Now everyone in the universe must bow to my every whim, and know my destiny is to be President, Emperor and Lord and Master of all I survey.”

Tags: , , , , , , ,

Tuesday, April 28th, 2015 Uncategorized No Comments

Stars and planets have stunt doubles!

This massive galactic collision looks destructive – but thanks to stunt doubles, no star was hurt.

This massive galactic collision looks destructive – but thanks to stunt doubles, no star was hurt.

When astronomers witness cataclysmic collisions between huge galaxies in the far reaches of space, it’s dramatic – but not as damaging as originally thought. That’s because most stars in the universe are double stars – a fact known for decades. But recent discoveries show that during a collision of galaxies, only one of each star pair is involved. The other is a stunt double, able to appear to collide spectacularly, but without actually being harmed. “These stunt doubles are involved in collision after collision throughout the millennia,” said a spokesman for the American Astrophysical Association. “They survive, and eventually move back to their original positions. No one knows why galaxies put on these massive shows of light and energy, but it’s good to know no one gets hurt.”

Tags: , , , , ,

Saturday, April 12th, 2014 Uncategorized No Comments

7 dwarf planets found beyond Pluto and Mickey!

An image from the Gemini Observatory shows the seven dwarf planets that are the most distant objects in our solar system.

An image from the Gemini Observatory shows the seven dwarf planets that are the most distant objects in our solar system.

Astronomers at the Gemini Observatory have announced the most distant objects ever discovered in our solar system. Analysis of new photographs shows that there are seven dwarf planets strung out in a line beyond Pluto… and the astronomers suspect there is another so far invisible planet they are naming “Mickey.” “According to our calculations, we knew Mickey must be there affecting Pluto, but we were surprised by the presence of the seven dwarf planets,” said one astronomer. “We initially focused our telescope on the area because the combined mini-planets plus Mickey were causing Pluto to act goofy.”

Tags: , , , , , , , ,

Saturday, March 29th, 2014 Uncategorized No Comments

Scientists reveal universe is a giant raisin bun!

 

By analyzing gravity waves, scientists have discovered huge raisins throughout the "dough" of the universe.

By analyzing gravity waves, scientists have discovered huge raisins throughout the “dough” of the universe.

In an unprecedented discovery, scientists using a telescope at the South Pole found proof that the universe is lumpy – and the lumps are raisins. “We always suspected that gravity isn’t constant,” said a scientist who examined the results. “And we knew that the universe has been expanding since the Big Bang. But we never suspected that the actual material of the universe was edible.” The telescope, called BICEP2 – Background Imaging of Cosmic Extragalactic Polarization 2 – examined the polarization of light waves, and found the raisins hidden in waves of thicker gravity scientists are calling “dough.” “We are now engaged in looking for remnants of the original cinnamon swirl,” said another scientist at Sanford University. “If we find them, we think the results would be something Einstein would have found quite tasty.”

Tags: , , , , ,

Tuesday, March 18th, 2014 Uncategorized No Comments

NASA to help end drought – with Martian water!

Photographs like this convinced scientists that there is indeed water on Mars.

Photographs like this convinced scientists that there is indeed water on Mars.

Scientists studying photos from Mars have discovered proof that the Red Planet does indeed have water. “We don’t know what else could cause these flows down slopes,” said a scientist. The news of the existence of water on Mars has excited many people – especially in the Western states which are experiencing a major drought. Spurred by petitions from parched citizens of California, Nevada and other states, NASA is rushing to launch a special spacecraft that will travel to Mars, load up with Martian water, and bring it back to Earth. “It may not be much,” said one Californian, “but any amount of water will help. We’ll take it from anywhere we can find it – even Mars.” The water brought back by the spacecraft will be the most expensive ever obtained, but Californians will pay anything to finally be able to wash their cars.

 

Tags: , , , , , ,

Wednesday, February 12th, 2014 Uncategorized No Comments

Astronomers discover “item-specific” black holes that absorb things from Earth!

In this illustration, an item-specific black hole is depicted absorbing car keys from Earth.

In this illustration, an item-specific black hole is depicted absorbing car keys from Earth.

In an amazing and unexpected finding, astronomers in the Netherlands have discovered a certain type of black hole that is very picky about what it absorbs. “Normally, a black hole absorbs every type of matter that crosses its event horizon,” said a spokesman for the group. “But this new class of black hole not only chooses what to absorb, but it actually reaches across space – even as far as Earth – to pull it in.” Analyzing data from the European Space Telescope, the astronomers discovered that one black hole was filled with mismatched socks, and another with car keys and eyeglasses. “This explains a lot,” said the spokesman.

Tags: , , ,

Sunday, February 2nd, 2014 Uncategorized No Comments

Japan lands rover on moon – battles Chinese rover!

The Chinese moon rover, Jade Rabbit, has had its microwave antenna damaged in the first battle in space.

The Chinese moon rover, Jade Rabbit, has had its microwave antenna damaged in the first battle in space.

Suddenly the territorial dispute between Japan and China over several islands in the Pacific has escalated into a battle in space. Once Japan learned that China was about to launch a rocket to the moon, complete with a moon rover called Jade Rabbit, Japan began its own moon program. In an amazing technological accomplishment, engineers in Japan designed, built and launched a sophisticated moon rover in just five months. The Japanese rover, Winter Fox, landed safely on the moon near Jade Rabbit, drove over to the Chinese rover and opened fire on it with a special recoilless handgun. The Jade Rabbit was not damaged in the initial attack and scurried behind a crater wall. Fortunately, its Chinese designers had equipped Jade Rabbit with its own defense system, and soon the two rovers were firing at each other across the surface of the moon. At present, Winter Fox has been hit twice, suffering a damaged wheel, and Jade Rabbit has had its microwave antenna knocked awry. Officially, neither China nor Japan have had any official comment about the altercation.

Tags: , , , , , , ,

Wednesday, December 18th, 2013 Uncategorized No Comments

The universe is actually a gigantic snow globe!

Calculations prove the universe is actually a huge snow globe, periodically turned upside down.

Calculations prove the universe is actually a huge snow globe, periodically turned upside down.

Solving a decades-old puzzle about the actual form of the universe, two astrophysicists from the University of Turbirgen have demonstrated that the universe is not made of tiny vibrating strings, as previously conjectured. Nor is it a hologram. Instead, says astrophysicist Lut Fensteen, the universe actually resembles a huge snow globe. The particles in the globe are galaxies, moving together ever so slowly downward. Every 590 billion years, the globe is turned upside down by gravitational reversal, and the galaxies are shaken up and swirl around, only to begin drifting down again. “The big questions now,” said Fensteen, “are what is the outer shell of the universe made of – glass? What is the object at the center of the snow globe? Is it a gigantic snowman? And what’s outside of the universe – an unimaginably large living room?”

Tags: , , , , ,

Thursday, December 12th, 2013 Uncategorized No Comments

College moon rocket powered by Red Bull!

A test of the innovative rocket proved the power of its unique fuel.

A test of the innovative rocket proved the power of its unique fuel.

Students at the University of Pennsylvania intend to make their school the first college to reach the moon. To do it, they have created a 6-foot-long rocket controlled by an iPhone and powered by an innovative energy source: Red Bull Energy Drink. Students discovered that Red Bull can be concentrated, and, when ignited, releases twenty times the energy of gasoline. The moon rocket will be carried aloft by a high-altitude balloon almost to the limit of Earth’s gravity, then ignite by remote control and soar skyward. Four days later, just before the rocket crashes onto the moon’s surface, it will release a University of Pennsylvania college flag and several “surprise souvenirs,” according to a press release.

Tags: , , , , , ,

Sunday, December 1st, 2013 Uncategorized No Comments

Halliburton to build oil pipeline – to Mars!

An oil pipeline to Mars will solve our planetary exploration energy problem.

An oil pipeline to Mars will solve our planetary exploration energy problem.

In the most ambitious and far-reaching project ever attempted, NASA announced today that a manned exploration base will be built on Mars. Astronauts will live and work in a huge domed community, and travel the Red Planet in special vehicles. Since Mars has no source of natural energy to enable such a project, it has to be brought from Earth. NASA turned to Halliburton, the large construction company, to help out. Halliburton experts recommended using oil, and the cheapest way to transport oil is by pipeline. Using new construction techniques and building materials, Halliburton will build a 55-million-mile oil pipeline directly to Mars. Since the distance between to two planets changes, the pipeline will be built to expand and contract as needed. “A pipeline to Mars will solve our exploration energy problem,” said a NASA spokesman. “Astronauts will be able to live and work on Mars indefinitely.” Halliburton estimates that the Mars pipeline will cost 400 trillion dollars, and will take 15 years to build.

 

Tags: , , , , , , , ,

Wednesday, November 20th, 2013 Uncategorized No Comments

NASA Saturn pictures are computer generated!

NASA's beautiful images of the planet Saturn have been revealed to be created by computer.

NASA’s beautiful images of the planet Saturn have been revealed to be created by computer.

In an unexpected admission, NASA announced that photos from its latest mission to Saturn were generated by computer – because there never was a mission to Saturn. “Our planetary exploration budget was cut so much, we couldn’t afford to go anywhere,” said a NASA spokesman. “So we just faked the whole thing.” NASA astronomers already knew so much about Saturn that they could instruct computer artists on what the ringed planet looked like. “We gave the world pretty pictures,” the spokesman continued. “They’re as accurate as anything we would have gotten had we actually gone. And look at the money we saved.”

 

Tags: , , , , , , ,

Saturday, November 16th, 2013 Uncategorized No Comments

New asteroid could bring dinosaurs back!

A newly-discovered asteroid heading for Earth could contain dinosaur DNA – and bring dinosaurs back.

A newly-discovered asteroid heading for Earth could contain dinosaur DNA – and bring dinosaurs back.

Scientists have speculated for years that a huge asteroid could be the cause of the demise of the dinosaurs on Earth. Now, for the first time, astronomers say another asteroid collision could bring the dinosaurs back. That’s because new discoveries in space – like the number of habitable planets, the increasing likelihood of a space rock hitting Earth, and the knowledge that the chemicals of life came from space in the first place – mean that different forms of life could be everywhere in the universe. And, astronomers say, that could mean dinosaur DNA is lodged on an asteroid headed for our planet. In fact, several asteroids have been spotted headed for Earth’s orbit and could possibly strike us in the new few dozen years. “If one of those asteroids has dinosaur DNA, we could be in for a thrilling new age of dinosaurs,” said a spokesman for NASA. “Of course, we could also be dead.”

Tags: , , , , , , , , , ,

Thursday, November 7th, 2013 Uncategorized No Comments

India launches first self-financing spacecraft!

The first spacecraft designed to bego for money from aliens, the Indian craft Mangalyaan blasts off into deep space.

The first spacecraft designed to beg for money from aliens, the Indian craft Mangalyaan blasts off into deep space.

Demonstrating that it too is a self-sustaining world-class power, India has launched an innovative spacecraft into deep space. Originally intended to circle Mars, the spacecraft will actually pass the Red Planet, travel to recently-discovered planets that may harbor life – and beg for money. Astronomers have estimated there may be as many as 8.8 billion Earth-size habitable planets, and India wasted no time in trying to get to one or more of them. The spacecraft, Mangalyaan, is designed to land on a planet and hold out eight “arms,” begging for money. Any money or valuables it receives from alien lifeforms will be brought back to Earth to defray the costs of the spacecraft.

Tags: , , , , , , , ,

Tuesday, November 5th, 2013 Uncategorized No Comments

The back side of the moon is completely flat!

An image from the Apollo mission that circled the moon – and discovered that the back is flat.

A previously classified image from the Apollo mission that circled the moon – and discovered that the back is flat.

In an amazing admission, NASA officials announced today that astronauts on US moon missions in the 1960’s discovered that the moon isn’t a globe – the entire back of it is flat. Astronomers had always known that only one side of the moon always faces the earth, but never realized why. When astronauts began circling the moon in preparation for the first moon landing, they found that the back was completely flat. This fact was hidden from the public by blanking out the astronauts’ radio transmissions when they were on the other side of the moon, blaming the silence on “radio interference.” The moon’s odd shape was determined to be too bizarre for public knowledge, and would cause panic. NASA officials thought that it would give rise to alien civilization theories, UFO sightings, end-of-the-world scenarios – even a rejection of science. Since there was no way for anyone on Earth to actually see the back side of the moon without going there, NASA could keep the secret from the public. But now, photos from the mission Apollo moon-circling mission have become public, thanks to freedom of information requests from researchers.

Tags: , , , , , ,

Wednesday, October 30th, 2013 Uncategorized No Comments

Roadside trash discovered on Saturn’s moon Titan!

Saturn's largest moon Titan – the only place besides Earth with roadside trash.

Saturn’s largest moon Titan – the only place besides Earth known to have roadside trash.

NASA scientists have revealed that Earth is not the only place with plastic trash. NASA’s Cassini spacecraft, circling near the planet Saturn, has detected the key ingredient of plastic trash – polypropylene – on Titan, Saturn’s largest moon. “Where you find polypropylene, you find food containers, garbage bags, and even car bumpers,” said a NASA spokesman. “We know trash like that is found everywhere on Earth, even in the middle of the ocean. What we don’t know is how that trash got to Titan.” Scientists speculate that the trash was ejected by an earlier spacecraft from Earth, visiting extraterrestrials, or even life on Titan itself. “Trash means civilization,” said the spokesman. “The only other explanation is that roadside trash is spontaneously generated on its own. That would explain why the Earth is covered with it – and why we’ll probably find it everywhere in the universe.”

Tags: , , , , , , , , , ,

Tuesday, October 1st, 2013 Uncategorized No Comments

Asteroid to give Earth a close shave – literally!

Asteroid 2013RZ53 will actually touch the Earth as it passes by, possibly starting a fire.

Asteroid 2013RZ53 will actually touch the Earth as it passes by, possibly starting a fire.

Astronomers at the Minor Planet Center in Cambridge, Massachusetts, announced that a small asteroid is headed directly toward Earth. The asteroid 2013RZ53 will pass between the Earth and the moon on Wednesday, then will actually graze the surface of the Earth before moving on into space. The area at risk is a mostly uninhabited part of Alaska, and the possibility exists that the asteroid will start a forest fire as it scrapes the surface of the Earth. To prevent that possibility, scientists are using helicopters to spray a huge mound of  fire-retardant lather on the area. The lather will reduce burning and irritation caused by the asteroid, leaving a smooth, soft surface that looks and smells great.

Tags: , , , , , , , , ,

Tuesday, September 17th, 2013 Uncategorized No Comments

New Pepsi Dark – made with dark matter that annihilates calories!

Pepsi Dark is the first soft drink made with a new form of matter.

Pepsi Dark is the first soft drink made with a new form of matter.

Scientists have known about dark matter – the invisible substance that makes up 90% of the galaxy – for decades. Now comes the first commercial product made with actual dark matter. The Pepsico Corporation announced that their newest product, Pepsi Dark, features dark matter as one of the main ingredients. “Dark matter is amazing in a soft drink,” said a Pepsi spokesman. “When it comes into contact with calories, it annihilates them and releases a flash of energy. Pepsi Dark will revolutionize diet drinks – it not only contains no calories at all, it destroys any that it finds. With Pepsi Dark, the more you drink, the more weight you’ll lose. And every few minutes, you’ll feel extra refreshed and energized.”

Tags: , , , , , , , , ,

Saturday, August 17th, 2013 Uncategorized No Comments

Sun’s orientation to flip from male to female!

Huge solar outbursts reveal that the sun is about to flip its orientation.

Huge solar outbursts reveal that the sun is about to flip its orientation.

In a surprising development, astronomers announced that recent activity on the surface of the sun – huge outbursts of coronal matter and large areas of darkness – mean that the sun is about to completely flip its magnetic orientation. In astronomical terms, this means that the sun is about to go from male to female. “No one knew that astronomical bodies had a gender,” said one astronomer. “Let alone one so close as our sun.” Scientists knew the sun flips its magnetic orientation every 11 years, but never realized its behavior changes meant gender reversal. Astronomers say that after the flip – expected in the next few months – the female sun will become warmer and more outgoing, more nurturing and more calming than it has been in more than a decade. That is, except for a few days each month, when massive coronal outbursts will spew solar material outwards, causing colorful electrical displays in our northern hemisphere and interfering with satellite and communication activity. Then things will settle down until the next outburst.

Tags: , , , , , , , , , ,

Wednesday, August 7th, 2013 Uncategorized No Comments

Unbelievable news every day

December 2017
S M T W T F S
« May    
 12
3456789
10111213141516
17181920212223
24252627282930
31  

Archives