Fed up with the hassle of being asked by the FBI to create a “backdoor” in iPhone software that would let them snoop on people’s private information, Apple took the unprecedented step of buying the law enforcement agency. “Normally, Federal agencies aren’t for sale,” said Tim Cook, Apple’s CEO. “But we’ve got so much money, we can do what we want. Now at last we can find out how the FBI cracked that one guy’s iPhone in San Bernardino, and Apple customers will rest assured that never again will the FBI or any other law enforcement agency be able to repeat it.” Cook wouldn’t say how much Apple paid for the FBI, but it’s rumored to be around $5 billion. All Cook would say about the price was, “It’s worth it.”
Instead of simply producing the expected iWatch, which everyone had been speculating about, Apple again surprised the world with a revolutionary product. Apple’s new iPatch™ is a sophisticated web-enabled computer with a display that sits right in front of your eye and lets you communicate with the world effortlessly. You can target any object or person and find out all information about it online, take video, send it to someone, post on Facebook, find directions, get the weather and news reports, read an e-book, make a phone call, watch a movie, get email, watch TV, play games, and get the time. “The iPatch is the most incredible product we’ve ever made,” said Apple CEO Tim Cook in introducing the iWatch. “It features technology that other companies will take years to copy. Plus we think it makes a great fashion statement.”
Completing its plan to become everything to everybody, Google today announced that it is buying every tech company in the world – starting with Microsoft. “We felt it was taking too long to buy everything one at a time – a robotics company here, a data company there – so since we had the money, we thought we’d just buy them all at once and be done with it,” said a Google spokesman. Over the last three months, Google secretly acquired not only Microsoft, Apple, Samsung, and Intel, but HP, Foxconn, Hitachi, IBM, Panasonic, Sony, Dell, Amazon, Nokia, Fujitsu, every Silicon Valley tech company, and thousands of various engineering, manufacturing, design, research and energy companies around the world. “Now we can make whatever we want,” said the spokesman, “and nobody can stop us.”
Apple now makes powerful desktop computers, laptops, ultra-light laptops, tablets and new iPhones that are basically pocket computers. The only thing missing was a desktop machine that can make phone calls – until now. This morning Apple CEO Tim Cook announced in a special call to investors that the technology company will be introducing the iPhone Desk, the world’s first desktop smartphone. With its 27-inch screen and running the new Apple operating system called Mavericks, the iPhone Desk combines the versatility of an iPhone 5s with the raw power of a Mac Pro 12-core desktop computer, giving it unprecedented capabilities – such as the ability to make 1,200 FaceTime phone calls simultaneously. Cook wouldn’t say when the iPhone Desk would be on the market, but Apple watchers estimate that the device would be ready by Spring.
When Apple CEO Tim Cook appeared before a congressional committee to defend his company’s tax avoidance, he impressed members of Congress so much that the hearing turned out to be a discussion of Apple’s design aesthetic. Congressmen praised not only Apple products like the iPhone and iPad, but Apple’s retail stores and new futuristic California headquarters that will be shaped like a flying saucer. Cook came away from the hearing with the job of redesigning the U.S. Capitol building, including both houses of Congress. Preliminary sketches were released by Apple this morning, showing the new Capitol dome made of curved glass, surrounded by a symbolic lake, and featuring high-tech information management systems featuring built-in iPads in every chair.
In an unexpected announcement that confirms some rumors, an Apple spokesman said today that in 6 months, Apple will introduce its most innovative product ever – the iClock. The iClock will create an entirely new category of device by combining all of Apple’s top products into one: a full 12-core Macintosh Pro desktop computer with 4 terabytes of memory, a foldout Macbook Pro laptop, a 64 GB iPod Touch, a 128 GB iPad, and an iPhone 5S. “The iClock will allow you to be as productive as possible,” said Apple chief Tim Cook in a statement. “You’ll have everything you need in one place.” The iClock will enable you to simultaneously send emails, create documents, compose music, shoot HD video and edit it on the fly, read ebooks, surf the Web, play games, listen to your favorite tunes, take photos, check Facebook, tweet, watch a movie, look for another job, paint, make 3D models, make phone calls, send text messages, control a drone over Pakistan, and even tell time. And all that capability is encased in an ultra cool Jonny Ive-designed package that weighs only 258 pounds. Apple fanatics are already pre-ordering their iClocks, and sales are expected to be in the hundreds of millions when the device is available in September.
Microsoft today announced its latest tablet to compete with Apple’s iPad. Called Surface, the new tablet is innovative on several fronts. For one thing, it eliminates the awkwardness of typing on a virtual keyboard on the screen – the Surface comes with a physical keyboard. Secondly, to accommodate the heavy requirements of running Windows 8, the Surface comes with its own docking station, which contains the battery plus several connecting ports and an updated cassette tape drive. The Surface weighs 18 pounds, and its battery lets it run up to two full hours. The Surface is Microsoft’s first foray into the tablet space, and is expected to sell at least as well as the Zune music player.
Microsoft Surface tablet computer, $3,999.
After its success with the iPod Touch, with its easy-to-use touchscreen interface, Apple has outdone itself with an iPod that responds to your thoughts! The innovative iPod Think, released two days ago by Apple, needs no user input at all to do its magic. A patented thought-reading RFID chip embedded in its CPU allows the iPod Think to react when you think of something you’d like. For example, simply think of a song you’d like to hear, or a video you’d like to see, or a game you’d like to play, and the Think will open it for you. If it’s not on your iPod, the Think will connect to iTunes and download it for you, without your having to make a move. How handy is that? Not only that, if the Think knows when you’re thinking of a specific object you’d like to own. The Think then connects to Amazon.com and orders it for you! Think of a friend, and the Think will connect via wi-fi and send that friend an automatic iMessage, such as “Thinking of you!” You’ll be astounded at how accurate the Think is, and how it knows your thoughts – even when you’re not aware of what you’re thinking. The iPod Touch is available in 8GB, 16GB, 32GB and 64GB sizes. Check out more about the incredible iPod Think in our book, Just Think!
Just Think!, 311 pp., $29.95
Unbelievable news every day