For years, manufacturers have been using high-pressure streams of water to cut metal – now the Navy has militarized the concept. Using supercooled magnets rotating at high speed, the Navy’s powerful new water cannons can deliver pulses of water over forty miles horizontally, and over ten miles vertically. Traveling at twice the speed of sound, the water pulses can cut through a ship, a plane – or even a building. “It’s the perfect weapon,” said a Navy spokesman. “It’s powerful, it’s quiet, it’s deadly, and it’s cheap – we’ve got plenty of water.”
Thousands of refugees from Syria and other repressive countries are making dangerous journeys across the Mediterranean to an uncertain future in Europe. On their overcrowded boats and in their refugee camps they face danger, disease, and fear. What they need is a little laughter to brighten their days – and that’s where you come in. As an entertainment director for the refugees, you’ll be doing your part to help the situation. All the refugees need is a few jokes, a little patter, some songs, maybe some sleight-of-hand… anything you can do to help put smiles on their faces again. Call the United Nations Emergency Entertainment Committee and volunteer. Then grab your banjo and head to a refugee camp in Greece. They’re waiting for you!
If you’ve been using the Transportation Security Agency’s Pre-Check service to shorten your time in airport security lines, you know it’s money well spent. But now it turns out there’s an additional benefit – your TSA Pre-Check approval can get you into Heaven faster when you die. It turns out that these days the lines of people trying to get into Heaven are getting longer and longer, and the processing is getting ever more complicated. But if you’ve already been approved by the TSA, and have your letter to prove it, you can join a much shorter line at Heaven’s gate and zip through in minutes. This unexpected information has been revealed by a Phoenix, Arizona, traveler who had a near-death experience recently. After having a heart attack in his office, he stopped breathing, and actually went to Heaven. There, he realized he had his TSA Pre-Check information with him, and was able to get in the shorter line – but was revived at the hospital and returned to Earth. So if you haven’t applied for your Pre-Check approval yet, now you know how handy it can be.
With the discovery that many celebrities and other people in power have a certain look called “Bitchy Resting Face,” people all over the country are scheduling plastic surgery so they can have the look, too. “Bitchy Resting Face is how some people naturally look,” said a researcher who examined the phenomenon. “It’s a look of condescension, of superiority, of irritation… even aloofness. It gives you an advantage in social situations – without the person even being aware they have it. Kanye West has it. Actress Anna Kendrick has it. Even Queen Elizabeth II has it.” Now people all over want the look, and they’re willing to pay any price to get it. Plastic surgeons from every state are reporting a huge demand for the procedure.
Donald Trump is so sure he can be elected President without moving a muscle, his campaign manager announced that The Donald is not only skipping the next Presidential Debate – he’s skipping he entire rest of the campaign season. “Mr. Trump feels he has enough votes now to win,” said the manager. “He doesn’t have to do anything more. He’s not going to debate, make speeches, travel to the primaries, or even lift a finger during the entire general election. He’s just going to coast the rest of the way, visiting his resorts, keeping up with his business – and starting to order new drapes for the White House.”
You can identify a Trump building from miles away by its huge “Trump” sign. Now Donald Trump is planning to put a big one on the White House – when he’s the inhabitant. Trump is so confident he’ll be elected that he’s already placed an order for a 250-foot-long “Trump” sign to be installed on the White House roof. “Now, that’s chutzpah,” said one political analyst.
The drug lord who flooded the United States with counterfeit copies of over-the-counter drugs like Bayer Aspirin and Tylenol PM has been arrested and will be extradited to the U.S. “El Cheapo,” as he was known, had made an amazing escape from his Mexican prison after bribing his guards with counterfeit dollars. On the loose for four months, he was finally located when American magician Penn Jillette interviewed him to see if it was possible to use his escape techniques in a Las Vegas act. “It sounded like an original escape technique,” said Jillette. “But turned out to be completely useless for stage business. I made one phone call and the cops came and picked the guy up.”
North Korea, the most reclusive country in the world, finally caught up with the Western superpowers in one respect – uninhibited communication. North Korea’s leader, Kim Jong Un, made the official announcement. “We’re the most glorious f***ing country in the world!” he proclaimed to an shocked but approving crowd assembled in Pyongyang. “We’re proud of our f***ing great accomplishments! We’re proud to be a f***ing pain in the ass to the rest of the world! And now the West better f***ing watch out – because we’re going to start using the same f***ing terms they do!” This new development came about after Kim met with former basketball star Dennis Rodman last week, and spent three days watching the latest Hollywood films.
“Hawaii is great, but it’s just too dang far away,” said a spokesman for the Department of Homeland Security. “The islands are just hanging out there in the Pacific, halfway to China, looking like ripe targets for takeovers by other countries. Our Naval base at Pearl Harbor is too expensive to supply at those distances, with all the cutbacks going on, yet we can’t afford to reduce protection. Plus it’s too far for people from the mainland to visit comfortably, and vice versa. So since the islands are not that big, we’ve decided it’s feasible to just bring them closer.” The spokesman explained that the U.S. Government plans to use powerful lasers developed by the Navy Department to basically saw the islands off their volcanic foundations, and use the fleet of aircraft carriers and other powerful ships to tow them closer to California. “The Hawaiian Islands will be towed across the ocean in a complex operation that is expected to take 14 months,” said the spokesman. “They’ll be anchored a hundred miles off San Diego, making them easier to supply, protect and visit. While it’s an expensive proposition, the Government will save billions of dollars, and the country will be safer.”
In an proactive effort to stop worldwide terrorism, President Obama intends to speak to the terrorists directly. “The President will travel to Syria in two weeks to bring his Stop Terror Now presentation to the only people who can bring an end to the madness – the leaders of the biggest terror groups,” said a White House spokesman. “These leaders are being invited to an auditorium in Damascus to hear the President’s specially-prepared Powerpoint presentation detailing the benefits of stopping terrorism around the world. These are powerful talking points, and the President feels confident that once the terrorists see the truth, and see how they can’t possibly win, they will all agree to go back to living peaceful lives once again.” In an aside, the spokesman said, “Frankly, this is kind of a last ditch effort on the President’s part. If this lecture thing doesn’t work, he doesn’t know what else to do.”
Researchers at the Institute for Molecular Engineering have demonstrated genuine macroscopic entanglement at room temperature and in a small (33 millitesla) magnetic field. Previously, scientists have overcome the thermodynamic barrier and achieved macroscopic entanglement in solids and liquids only by going to ultra-low temperatures (-270 degrees Celsius) and applying huge magnetic fields or using chemical reactions.
The researchers explain that they used strands of Christmas lights to order (preferentially align) the magnetic states of thousands of electrons and nuclei and then used electromagnetic pulses to entangle them. This procedure caused pairs of electrons and nuclei in a macroscopic 40 micrometer-cubed volume in a silicon carbide semiconductor wafer to become entangled. “The ability to produce robust entangled states in an electronic-grade semiconductor at ambient conditions has important implications on future quantum devices,” said a scientist. “The idea came to me as I put up my Christmas decorations – I don’t know why it didn’t occur to me before.” In the short term, the research could enable quantum sensors that use entanglement as a resource for beating the sensitivity limit of traditional (non-quantum) sensors and for biological sensing inside a living organism, using entanglement-enhanced magnetic resonance imaging probes, according to the researchers.
If you find yourself reading the same sentence over and over, or you can’t follow a simple recipe, or you find yourself reading the same sentence over and over, or you can’t follow a simple recipe, now there’s Fatalis™. Fatalis (paroxycumulothingamabob) is a revolutionary new medication that may increase your ability to concentrate, helping you increase your ability to concentrate, enabling you to remember more of what you just read, saw or heard. Once-a-day Fatalis may help you get more out of life. Do not take Fatalis if you have ever taken any other medication, as it may lead to a heart attack, stroke, diabetes, ringworm, headache, seizure, paralysis or death. Fatalis is not meant for people who are aware of what they are doing. After taking Fatalis, if you find yourself sweating, shaking, twitching, sleepwalking, unable to sleep, palpitating, feverish, or dying, stop taking Fatalis and call your doctor right away. New Fatalis – the revolutionary medication that may help you remember more and get more out of life.
The worldwide crackdown on the terrorist group ISIS just became more intensified. Joining the governments of France, the United States, Germany and Turkey, the Boy Scouts of America declared they too are actively stepping up their efforts to battle terrorism. “We’ve got a lot of great kids who want to use their Scouting skills to bring an end to the scourge of ISIS,” said a spokesman for the Boy Scouts. “They’re trained to use knives, bows and arrows, hatchets, and other weapons, plus they know how to use camouflage, track an enemy, survive in the woods, communicate in code, and bring down a computer network. Up to now, they’ve been content to collect merit badges, but now they want to use that knowledge help mankind. We’ll be sending Boy Scout troops from all over the country to the Mideast, where they’ll take ISIS by surprise and help free the world of ideological terrorism.”
Not content with a typical campaign video, Presidential candidate Donald Trump announced he has financed a complete theatrical motion picture. “It’s costing a billion dollars,” Trump said in announcing the film. “I’m producing it myself. It’s the most amazing movie ever made. It’s all about me and America. We go to all the best places – Mount Rushmore, the Statue of Liberty, Mount Vernon, my casino – and we’re bringing in all the best people – me, George Washington, Abraham Lincoln – big, big people. You know, it’s amazing what you can do with computers these days. I’ll be renting the best theaters to run my movie 24 hours a day, 7 days a week – and more, if available. Everybody will want to see it, and I mean everybody. We’re going to invite Congress, the Supreme Court, the Queen of England, the Pope, the top, top Hollywood celebrities, everybody. Listen, if this movie doesn’t win all the Oscars, all the awards, I’ll be very, very surprised. When I’m President, I’ll buy all the networks and run this movie forever.”
European and Russian space agencies have announced a joint project to build the first human settlement on the moon. The venture, named Luna 27, is set to begin launching missions by the year 2020. Scientists suspect there is a substrate of ice at the moon’s south pole, and the first mission will check for water and minerals. Professor Igor Mitrofanov of the Space Research Institute in Moscow said “We have to go to the moon. We have the technology, the knowledge and the ambition. Plus, the moon is the only place we know of that has room for the hundreds of thousands of refugees fleeing repressive regimes in the Mideast and elsewhere. Neither Europe or Russia wants them. Why not send them all somewhere where they won’t get in the way? We’ll gain important scientific knowledge, and we’ll be done with the refugee problem at the same time.”
Scientists examining data from NASA’s Kepler telescope have discovered something that they say “looks like what you’d expect from an alien civilization.” Others are not so sure. “It appears to be a huge structure orbiting the star KIC8462852… but we can’t tell exactly what it is. It could be a giant dust cloud, or a swarm of comets,” said an astronomer who looked at the data. All agree the structure behaves in an unnatural way, and appears to give off massive amounts of energy. “We’ll just have to do more number crunching,” said a scientist. “But some of us are really excited.”
Walter Palmer, the big-game-hunting dentist from Minnesota, has been exonerated by Zimbabwe for killing their famous lion Cecil. Now Palmer is aiming for even bigger game. “They thought Cecil was big,” said Palmer. “Wait’ll I bag my next trophy – Tony the Tiger. There’s no bigger tiger than Tony.” Palmer has a safari all lined up for next April. “I don’t have to go to Africa this time,” said Palmer. “I’ll be taking all my guns, gear and porters by train to Battle Creek, Michigan. That’s where Tony hangs out. He should be easy to track.” There’s no word yet on Tony’s reaction to being hunted.
As if it wasn’t bad enough to falsify its own emissions tests, a Volkswagen Jetta diesel has been discovered faking the results of cars around it. Sophisticated software built into the diesel’s control system has the ability to hack into the engines of cars around it – no matter what brand – and skew their emissions control tests. Still unknown is how widespread this ability is – does it affect every diesel built by Volkswagen? New Volkswagen Vice President of Damage Control Hans Jeden couldn’t say, but apologized one more time for Volkswagen’s misbehavior and promised that would be the end of it.
In a completely unexpected development, a spokesman for the Vatican announced that Pope Francis had decided that the headquarters of the Roman Catholic Church had become “too encumbered with baggage,” and that he would supervise the moving of the entire headquarters to Toledo, Ohio. “We are just moving the people, not the buildings,” said the spokesman. “His Holiness wants to simplify things, and basically start over. The Vatican buildings such as St. Paul’s Basilica and the Sistine Chapel have become too commercialized, too much of a tourist destination. The Church will continue to run the Vatican as an attraction, but the main operations and charity work will be done at the new headquarters in Toledo, Ohio, USA. His Holiness has already picked out the location for the new headquarters on East Manhattan Boulevard near Detwiler Park, with a spectacular view of Lake Erie.” The city council of Toledo was ecstatic at the news, and plan to rename the city Holy Toledo.
Claiming that stupid, boring and repetitive posts are taking up too much space on its servers, Facebook says it will start billing members for the posts. “We can’t be hosting thousands of pictures of your dog, your dinner and your feet,” said a Facebook spokesman. “We are constantly buying additional servers, but we don’t have unlimited space. Evidently people post stupid pictures because there’s no charge. Well, that’s going to change. For every picture of something like a dog sleeping, a plate of food, a tree, an out-of-focus person, ten identical images, or something similar, we’ll charge you 50 cents. We’ll look at everything and decide what’s stupid. Most people won’t be charged for Facebook posts. But others will have to pony up hundreds of dollars a month. You know who you are.”
Unbelievable news every day