In a stunning announcement, President Trump has doubled down on his claim that the Obama administration tapped his Trump Tower phones during the election. “I know they tapped my phones,” Trump said to reporters. “I saw Obama himself do it. I was heading to the kitchen for leftover bacon when I noticed an open door that led to the phone closet. I looked in and there was Obama wearing all black. He saw me and was so shocked. He switched off his flashlight, grabbed a box of tools and charged past me, pushing me so hard I almost fell down. Two Secret Service men held me back while Obama ran to the elevator. I was so upset I could hardly finish my bacon. If that’s not a Watergate type deal, I don’t know what is. You people should be covering this story, not all the other ruses. Forget your fake news, this is real news.”
Far from being the airhead clotheshorse that she appears to be, Melania Trump is actually a highly-skilled mathematician. While the public thinks she is residing in New York’s Trump Tower, doing nothing but shopping and taking care of her son Barron, Melania is actually working for the Central Intelligence Agency doing sophisticated analysis of computer codes using complex algorithms she herself pioneered. “She is an excellent analyst,” said a spokesman for the CIA. “She had been highly trained by experts after her mathematics ability was spotted in school in Slovenia. Now she’s doing valuable work for the United States – work that few people possess the ability to do. We cannot speak highly enough of Melania.”
The question of whether Russian hackers interfered with the Presidential election has been answered, according to President-Elect Trump. “Vladimir called me and said they didn’t do it,” he announced to a small group of reporters. “That’s good enough for me, okay? I believe him. He’s a straight-shooter. He called me a genius and a statesman, and that proves he knows what’s what. He said his people don’t even know how to work computers. I hope this puts an end to all the guessing and investigating, and we can get on with making America great again. By the way, Vlad also said that thanks to cuts in Russian real estate taxes, my investment properties in St. Petersburg have gone through the roof.”
After discovering that building a “big, beautiful” 12-foot-high fence along America’s 1,900-mile border with Mexico would cost $100 billion, President-elect Trump has changed his mind. He still wants a fence, but instead of a physical one, he has decided to install the world’s longest Invisible Fence™, a simple wire buried in the ground along the border. This device will cause anyone wearing a special dog collar to receive a severe shock if they come up to the invisible fence — and Trump is requiring all Mexicans to wear the collars. “Every Mexican will have to wear a collar,” said a Trump spokesman. “And the Mexican government will pay for them. We have to stop these illegal immigrants from coming in to our country — and this is the best way to do it. It’s a win-win-win situation — we get to preserve the beauty of our border, the Mexicans get a stylish fashion accessory, and we stop the flood of immigrants.”
Thanks to Donald Trump’s increasingly bizarre and alarming Presidential campaign, business at Trump hotels around the country has fallen dramatically. “The Trump name is no longer a benefit,” said one hotel manager who declined to be named. “In fact, it’s a liability. No one wants to stay in a place named Trump, now that people know what he’s really like.” In an attempt to reverse the decline, Trump hotels from coast to coast are replacing the Trump name with a name that is more favorable –– Hitler. The first to make the change, the Hitler Hotel Waikiki, began booking customers last month, and reports business is up over last year.
North Korea’s leader-for-life Kim Jong-un doesn’t mess around when it comes to ridding his country of poorly-performing officials. The latest to go was Kim’s uncle Kyong-hui, Minister of Waterways, who was accused of poor management policies leading to collapsed dams. Kim apparently spent weeks thinking of how to execute his uncle, having already dispatched other officials using such methods as hungry wolves, bazookas, mortar fire and speeding locomotives. He finally decided to use the uncle as a target for his country’s latest missile technology, and used a Soviet-built Sukhoi Su-25 Ground Attack aircraft to fire a powerful missile at Uncle Kyong-hui, who was conveniently tied to a gasoline truck for extra insurance.
Thanks to intercession by the Republican National Committee, Donald Trump’s campaign staff includes damage control officers – 153,000 at last count. These damage control officers work the phones and appear on TV interviews, trying to explain Trump’s crazy comments, gaffes, and strange statements. “We’ve had a heck of a time making sense of what he says,” said a Trump operative off the record. “Every morning at 6 a.m. we have a meeting of the head damage control officers in an auditorium to work out how to walk back Trump’s statements, and figure out some spin that will make them acceptable to the public.” But as many damage control people as they have, every one is working 20-hour days. Now with Trump’s statements like “The Second Amendment (meaning gun owners) people will take care of Hillary,” the work has just exploded. The RNC is advertising for 25,000 more damage control people, “and we need them immediately,” said the Trump operative. “Maybe we’ll eventually have to outsource the jobs to India or someplace.”
Not content with building artificial islands in the South China Sea to expand its influence in the area, China has claimed that the Texas-size floating mass of plastic, sludge and refuse known as the Great Pacific Garbage Patch is actually Chinese territory. “We have examined the items in the patch and have determined that most are Chinese products exported overseas,” said a spokesman for Beijing. “Therefore we claim the patch as our territory, which we will use as a base for building airstrips, harbors, and other facilities. We warn nearby countries that this new Chinese territory includes fishing, mining and mineral rights for two hundred miles in each direction.” Nations in the South Pacific, including Japan, Korea, and the Philippines are rushing to file lawsuits in International courts to dispute China’s claims. “We are afraid China will work to solidify the Pacific Garbage Patch and build missile bases, submarine bases and other military installations to threaten the area,” said a spokesman for the Japanese government.
Former House Speaker Newt Gingrich says that in order to find out who in this country are Muslims, and liable to be terrorists, it’s not necessary to ask them if they believe in Islamic Shariah law. After all, that would be against the Constitution, and it would be too easy for a Muslim to say “No.” Instead, he proposes that we ask each person to draw their idea of what Mohammad looks like. “It’s a simple test,” says Gingrich. “Non-Muslims could draw their own image of Mohammad, even if it’s just a stick figure.But since it’s forbidden for Muslims to create any image of Mohammad, they would refuse. Presto – you’ve got a Muslim. Just trot him out to a bus and deport him on the spot. It’s a foolproof idea.”
Presidential candidate Donald Trump surprised the country by today announcing his choice for Vice President, and it was completely unexpected. Despite his previous “short list” of Mike Spence, Chris Christie and Newt Gingrich, Trump said he has chosen actresses Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen to be his co-Vice Presidents. “”Mary-Kate and Ashley are amazing,” said Trump in making the announcement. “They’re fighters, they’ve been all over the world, they’re smart, and they can be in two places at the same time, which is important to me.” The choice sets several precedents – the first twins, the first non-politicians, the first actresses, and the youngest candidates for Vice President ever to run. “They’re only 30,” said Trump, “and they make Hillary look like she’s 90. They’re very versatile, both of them, and they’ll look incredible on our campaign posters.” The choice still has to be approved by the delegates to the Republican convention, but Trump is confident they’ll be approved. “Once they see these girls in person, there will be no problem, I guarantee you.”
Zeroing in on the only people who can’t remember all his policy flip-flops and backtracks, Presidential candidate Donald Trump’s campaign staff is focusing on support from people with Alzheimer’s disease. “These people are our best hope,” said a campaign staffer. “They only focus on what Trump says today, and forget that he said the opposite thing last week.” In a first for politics, the Trump campaign purchased names and addresses of Alzheimer’s sufferers, and will send out mailers days before the election saying things like “Remember, you promised to vote for Trump.”
Not content just to leave the European Union, Britain today voted to leave the Earth. “We not only don’t need Europe,” said former London mayor Boris Johnson, “we don’t need the rest of the world. We can get along just fine by ourselves. We’ve got everything we need, really.” Britain plans to take itself off the planet and into orbit around the sun later this year. “Once we eject some undesirable immigrants and European commuters, we’ll be off and away,” said Johnson. Just how that is going to be done is not clear, although Johnson said they are working on “some sort of hyper loop technology, or something. We’ll figure it out.”
Reacting to ongoing developments at the 2016 Olympic venues in Rio De Janeiro, the U.S. Olympic Committee has issued new uniforms to all American athletes competing in the Games. “We were already worried about the Zika virus,” said an Olympic Committee spokesman. “But with the news that the city of Rio – especially its waterways, beaches and bays – is contaminated with antibiotic-resistant superbugs leads us to provide advanced levels of protection for our athletes. Therefore we are issuing new uniforms to all our participants, whether they compete in water sports or not. These new uniforms are designed to protect athletes from any pathogen they may encounter.”
In a shocking development, it was revealed today that Presidential candidate Donald Trump had been genetically modified before birth – the first time a human had DNA from other organisms combined with his or her own. This fact was discovered after a reporter covering Trump sent a sample of Trump’s saliva – wiped from the reporter’s own face after a press conference – to a genetic tracing laboratory. The resulting DNA report detailed Trump’s Scottish and German heritage – but also the surprising fact that the billionaire shared DNA with a Japanese blowfish and a carrot. “There’s no telling how his DNA became so bizarre,” said the reporter. “Maybe Trump’s father Fred had it done in 1946 before Donald was born. It’s also possible that Trump’s mother had been abducted by aliens and her baby’s DNA modified for some reason. In either case, it’s the first case of human genetic engineering on record.” Trump’s blowfish and carrot relatives account for much of his behavior and appearance.
Hillary Clinton’s problems with her State Department emails stem from the simple fact that she’s always been uncomfortable with computers. She doesn’t know how they work, and is apparently unwilling to learn. That’s why she has stated that if she is elected President, neither she nor anyone else in her administration will use a computer. “There’s nothing wrong with a phone call or a letter,” she said. “You can keep track of things perfectly well without a computer. Franklin Roosevelt never had a computer, and yet look at all the good things he was able to accomplish.” The news of a Hillary computer ban came as a shock to Obama’s White House team, who are the most technologically literate people ever to work for a President. “I guess there’s a plus side,” said a White House aide. “The government would save money on electricity.”
Kentucky Governor Matt Bevin announced today that he has made Presidential Candidate Bernie Sanders an honorary Kentucky Colonel. “During this Presidential campaign, Bernie Sanders has made many noteworthy accomplishments,” said Governor Bevin. “Not least is the fact that he has been able to finance his campaign with small donations from hundreds of thousands of people, and has attracted support from across the political spectrum.” The newly-minted “Colonel” Sanders then addressed a gathering of students at the University of Kentucky, where he served up nuggets of wisdom, and followed his original mix of ideas with an extra crispy legislative program that would satisfy anyone. According to all reports, the students ate it up.
Apparently so confident that he’ll be the next President, Donald Trump today said he is not satisfied with the government’s 15 existing executive departments, and has created two additional ones. The new Department of The Fence will be responsible for physically keeping out any and all immigrants, especially Hispanics, Muslims and troublemakers. Trump named Matt Koel, head of the National Socialist White People’s Party, as Secretary of The Fence. In addition, Trump created the Department of Negotiation, which will have responsibility for reducing the national debt, primarily by lowering Treasury bonds to junk status and stiffing creditor nations. Trump named his son, Donald Trump Jr., as Secretary of Negotiation. “We can’t make America great again by just doing the same-old, same-old,” said Trump in announcing the new departments. “We have to take some initiative, and these are just two of the changes I plan to make the minute I step into the Oval Office – which, by the way, isn’t going to be oval for long.”
Keeping with his tradition of killing people in unusual ways, North Korean leader Kim Jong-Un launched his uncle – North Korea’s Minister of Agriculture – from a missile silo aboard the country’s newest submarine. South Korea, Japan and other countries in the area were relieved that no actual missile had been launched, as had been originally feared. “Apparently the North Koreans have a shortage of missiles, or an abundance of poorly-performing Ministers,” joked a member of the Japanese government. “We are not afraid of falling uncles,” he continued. There was no indication of where Kim’s uncle came down.
Fed up with the hassle of being asked by the FBI to create a “backdoor” in iPhone software that would let them snoop on people’s private information, Apple took the unprecedented step of buying the law enforcement agency. “Normally, Federal agencies aren’t for sale,” said Tim Cook, Apple’s CEO. “But we’ve got so much money, we can do what we want. Now at last we can find out how the FBI cracked that one guy’s iPhone in San Bernardino, and Apple customers will rest assured that never again will the FBI or any other law enforcement agency be able to repeat it.” Cook wouldn’t say how much Apple paid for the FBI, but it’s rumored to be around $5 billion. All Cook would say about the price was, “It’s worth it.”
When the British public was asked to name the country’s newest high-tech arctic research ship, presumably with an historic or impressive name, someone suggested “Boaty McBoatface.” Thanks to British sense of humor, that name won over thousands of others. Unfazed, the country’s military is aiming to use public participation to name its newest weapons, and people are happily responding. The leading name for Britain’s latest attack fighter jet is “Shooty-Shooty-Bang-Bang.” The newest aircraft carrier is to be named “HMS Winky Dink.” And the leading name for the country’s new battle tank is the “Captain Crunch.”