Thanks to intercession by the Republican National Committee, Donald Trump’s campaign staff includes damage control officers – 153,000 at last count. These damage control officers work the phones and appear on TV interviews, trying to explain Trump’s crazy comments, gaffes, and strange statements. “We’ve had a heck of a time making sense of what he says,” said a Trump operative off the record. “Every morning at 6 a.m. we have a meeting of the head damage control officers in an auditorium to work out how to walk back Trump’s statements, and figure out some spin that will make them acceptable to the public.” But as many damage control people as they have, every one is working 20-hour days. Now with Trump’s statements like “The Second Amendment (meaning gun owners) people will take care of Hillary,” the work has just exploded. The RNC is advertising for 25,000 more damage control people, “and we need them immediately,” said the Trump operative. “Maybe we’ll eventually have to outsource the jobs to India or someplace.”
Not content with building artificial islands in the South China Sea to expand its influence in the area, China has claimed that the Texas-size floating mass of plastic, sludge and refuse known as the Great Pacific Garbage Patch is actually Chinese territory. “We have examined the items in the patch and have determined that most are Chinese products exported overseas,” said a spokesman for Beijing. “Therefore we claim the patch as our territory, which we will use as a base for building airstrips, harbors, and other facilities. We warn nearby countries that this new Chinese territory includes fishing, mining and mineral rights for two hundred miles in each direction.” Nations in the South Pacific, including Japan, Korea, and the Philippines are rushing to file lawsuits in International courts to dispute China’s claims. “We are afraid China will work to solidify the Pacific Garbage Patch and build missile bases, submarine bases and other military installations to threaten the area,” said a spokesman for the Japanese government.
Former House Speaker Newt Gingrich says that in order to find out who in this country are Muslims, and liable to be terrorists, it’s not necessary to ask them if they believe in Islamic Shariah law. After all, that would be against the Constitution, and it would be too easy for a Muslim to say “No.” Instead, he proposes that we ask each person to draw their idea of what Mohammad looks like. “It’s a simple test,” says Gingrich. “Non-Muslims could draw their own image of Mohammad, even if it’s just a stick figure.But since it’s forbidden for Muslims to create any image of Mohammad, they would refuse. Presto – you’ve got a Muslim. Just trot him out to a bus and deport him on the spot. It’s a foolproof idea.”
Presidential candidate Donald Trump surprised the country by today announcing his choice for Vice President, and it was completely unexpected. Despite his previous “short list” of Mike Spence, Chris Christie and Newt Gingrich, Trump said he has chosen actresses Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen to be his co-Vice Presidents. “”Mary-Kate and Ashley are amazing,” said Trump in making the announcement. “They’re fighters, they’ve been all over the world, they’re smart, and they can be in two places at the same time, which is important to me.” The choice sets several precedents – the first twins, the first non-politicians, the first actresses, and the youngest candidates for Vice President ever to run. “They’re only 30,” said Trump, “and they make Hillary look like she’s 90. They’re very versatile, both of them, and they’ll look incredible on our campaign posters.” The choice still has to be approved by the delegates to the Republican convention, but Trump is confident they’ll be approved. “Once they see these girls in person, there will be no problem, I guarantee you.”
Zeroing in on the only people who can’t remember all his policy flip-flops and backtracks, Presidential candidate Donald Trump’s campaign staff is focusing on support from people with Alzheimer’s disease. “These people are our best hope,” said a campaign staffer. “They only focus on what Trump says today, and forget that he said the opposite thing last week.” In a first for politics, the Trump campaign purchased names and addresses of Alzheimer’s sufferers, and will send out mailers days before the election saying things like “Remember, you promised to vote for Trump.”
Not content just to leave the European Union, Britain today voted to leave the Earth. “We not only don’t need Europe,” said former London mayor Boris Johnson, “we don’t need the rest of the world. We can get along just fine by ourselves. We’ve got everything we need, really.” Britain plans to take itself off the planet and into orbit around the sun later this year. “Once we eject some undesirable immigrants and European commuters, we’ll be off and away,” said Johnson. Just how that is going to be done is not clear, although Johnson said they are working on “some sort of hyper loop technology, or something. We’ll figure it out.”
Reacting to ongoing developments at the 2016 Olympic venues in Rio De Janeiro, the U.S. Olympic Committee has issued new uniforms to all American athletes competing in the Games. “We were already worried about the Zika virus,” said an Olympic Committee spokesman. “But with the news that the city of Rio – especially its waterways, beaches and bays – is contaminated with antibiotic-resistant superbugs leads us to provide advanced levels of protection for our athletes. Therefore we are issuing new uniforms to all our participants, whether they compete in water sports or not. These new uniforms are designed to protect athletes from any pathogen they may encounter.”
In a shocking development, it was revealed today that Presidential candidate Donald Trump had been genetically modified before birth – the first time a human had DNA from other organisms combined with his or her own. This fact was discovered after a reporter covering Trump sent a sample of Trump’s saliva – wiped from the reporter’s own face after a press conference – to a genetic tracing laboratory. The resulting DNA report detailed Trump’s Scottish and German heritage – but also the surprising fact that the billionaire shared DNA with a Japanese blowfish and a carrot. “There’s no telling how his DNA became so bizarre,” said the reporter. “Maybe Trump’s father Fred had it done in 1946 before Donald was born. It’s also possible that Trump’s mother had been abducted by aliens and her baby’s DNA modified for some reason. In either case, it’s the first case of human genetic engineering on record.” Trump’s blowfish and carrot relatives account for much of his behavior and appearance.
Hillary Clinton’s problems with her State Department emails stem from the simple fact that she’s always been uncomfortable with computers. She doesn’t know how they work, and is apparently unwilling to learn. That’s why she has stated that if she is elected President, neither she nor anyone else in her administration will use a computer. “There’s nothing wrong with a phone call or a letter,” she said. “You can keep track of things perfectly well without a computer. Franklin Roosevelt never had a computer, and yet look at all the good things he was able to accomplish.” The news of a Hillary computer ban came as a shock to Obama’s White House team, who are the most technologically literate people ever to work for a President. “I guess there’s a plus side,” said a White House aide. “The government would save money on electricity.”
Kentucky Governor Matt Bevin announced today that he has made Presidential Candidate Bernie Sanders an honorary Kentucky Colonel. “During this Presidential campaign, Bernie Sanders has made many noteworthy accomplishments,” said Governor Bevin. “Not least is the fact that he has been able to finance his campaign with small donations from hundreds of thousands of people, and has attracted support from across the political spectrum.” The newly-minted “Colonel” Sanders then addressed a gathering of students at the University of Kentucky, where he served up nuggets of wisdom, and followed his original mix of ideas with an extra crispy legislative program that would satisfy anyone. According to all reports, the students ate it up.
Apparently so confident that he’ll be the next President, Donald Trump today said he is not satisfied with the government’s 15 existing executive departments, and has created two additional ones. The new Department of The Fence will be responsible for physically keeping out any and all immigrants, especially Hispanics, Muslims and troublemakers. Trump named Matt Koel, head of the National Socialist White People’s Party, as Secretary of The Fence. In addition, Trump created the Department of Negotiation, which will have responsibility for reducing the national debt, primarily by lowering Treasury bonds to junk status and stiffing creditor nations. Trump named his son, Donald Trump Jr., as Secretary of Negotiation. “We can’t make America great again by just doing the same-old, same-old,” said Trump in announcing the new departments. “We have to take some initiative, and these are just two of the changes I plan to make the minute I step into the Oval Office – which, by the way, isn’t going to be oval for long.”
Keeping with his tradition of killing people in unusual ways, North Korean leader Kim Jong-Un launched his uncle – North Korea’s Minister of Agriculture – from a missile silo aboard the country’s newest submarine. South Korea, Japan and other countries in the area were relieved that no actual missile had been launched, as had been originally feared. “Apparently the North Koreans have a shortage of missiles, or an abundance of poorly-performing Ministers,” joked a member of the Japanese government. “We are not afraid of falling uncles,” he continued. There was no indication of where Kim’s uncle came down.
Fed up with the hassle of being asked by the FBI to create a “backdoor” in iPhone software that would let them snoop on people’s private information, Apple took the unprecedented step of buying the law enforcement agency. “Normally, Federal agencies aren’t for sale,” said Tim Cook, Apple’s CEO. “But we’ve got so much money, we can do what we want. Now at last we can find out how the FBI cracked that one guy’s iPhone in San Bernardino, and Apple customers will rest assured that never again will the FBI or any other law enforcement agency be able to repeat it.” Cook wouldn’t say how much Apple paid for the FBI, but it’s rumored to be around $5 billion. All Cook would say about the price was, “It’s worth it.”
When the British public was asked to name the country’s newest high-tech arctic research ship, presumably with an historic or impressive name, someone suggested “Boaty McBoatface.” Thanks to British sense of humor, that name won over thousands of others. Unfazed, the country’s military is aiming to use public participation to name its newest weapons, and people are happily responding. The leading name for Britain’s latest attack fighter jet is “Shooty-Shooty-Bang-Bang.” The newest aircraft carrier is to be named “HMS Winky Dink.” And the leading name for the country’s new battle tank is the “Captain Crunch.”
For years, manufacturers have been using high-pressure streams of water to cut metal – now the Navy has militarized the concept. Using supercooled magnets rotating at high speed, the Navy’s powerful new water cannons can deliver pulses of water over forty miles horizontally, and over ten miles vertically. Traveling at twice the speed of sound, the water pulses can cut through a ship, a plane – or even a building. “It’s the perfect weapon,” said a Navy spokesman. “It’s powerful, it’s quiet, it’s deadly, and it’s cheap – we’ve got plenty of water.”
Thousands of refugees from Syria and other repressive countries are making dangerous journeys across the Mediterranean to an uncertain future in Europe. On their overcrowded boats and in their refugee camps they face danger, disease, and fear. What they need is a little laughter to brighten their days – and that’s where you come in. As an entertainment director for the refugees, you’ll be doing your part to help the situation. All the refugees need is a few jokes, a little patter, some songs, maybe some sleight-of-hand… anything you can do to help put smiles on their faces again. Call the United Nations Emergency Entertainment Committee and volunteer. Then grab your banjo and head to a refugee camp in Greece. They’re waiting for you!
If you’ve been using the Transportation Security Agency’s Pre-Check service to shorten your time in airport security lines, you know it’s money well spent. But now it turns out there’s an additional benefit – your TSA Pre-Check approval can get you into Heaven faster when you die. It turns out that these days the lines of people trying to get into Heaven are getting longer and longer, and the processing is getting ever more complicated. But if you’ve already been approved by the TSA, and have your letter to prove it, you can join a much shorter line at Heaven’s gate and zip through in minutes. This unexpected information has been revealed by a Phoenix, Arizona, traveler who had a near-death experience recently. After having a heart attack in his office, he stopped breathing, and actually went to Heaven. There, he realized he had his TSA Pre-Check information with him, and was able to get in the shorter line – but was revived at the hospital and returned to Earth. So if you haven’t applied for your Pre-Check approval yet, now you know how handy it can be.
With the discovery that many celebrities and other people in power have a certain look called “Bitchy Resting Face,” people all over the country are scheduling plastic surgery so they can have the look, too. “Bitchy Resting Face is how some people naturally look,” said a researcher who examined the phenomenon. “It’s a look of condescension, of superiority, of irritation… even aloofness. It gives you an advantage in social situations – without the person even being aware they have it. Kanye West has it. Actress Anna Kendrick has it. Even Queen Elizabeth II has it.” Now people all over want the look, and they’re willing to pay any price to get it. Plastic surgeons from every state are reporting a huge demand for the procedure.
Donald Trump is so sure he can be elected President without moving a muscle, his campaign manager announced that The Donald is not only skipping the next Presidential Debate – he’s skipping he entire rest of the campaign season. “Mr. Trump feels he has enough votes now to win,” said the manager. “He doesn’t have to do anything more. He’s not going to debate, make speeches, travel to the primaries, or even lift a finger during the entire general election. He’s just going to coast the rest of the way, visiting his resorts, keeping up with his business – and starting to order new drapes for the White House.”
You can identify a Trump building from miles away by its huge “Trump” sign. Now Donald Trump is planning to put a big one on the White House – when he’s the inhabitant. Trump is so confident he’ll be elected that he’s already placed an order for a 250-foot-long “Trump” sign to be installed on the White House roof. “Now, that’s chutzpah,” said one political analyst.